A Day in the Mind of the Depressed

I knew it would catch up to me. The newness of writing a blog has worn off, so now I have to work three times as hard to think of a subject, write it down in a coherent way, and publish it.

It doesn’t help, either, that I’ve started a depressive episode. This may be because I’ve changed medication, which always screws with your cycle. Or, maybe it’s just my cycle. I’ve been told that depressive episodes are more common in the Springtime- weird- you’d think it would be the other way around, but last Spring was when I was hospitalized, and this Spring just seems to be following the pattern.

I thought I’d talk a little about the thought patterns of a depressed person. I can tell I’m not THAT depressed yet because I’m still able to do simple things like get up in the morning and have a shower and brush my teeth. These things become incredibly difficult for the very depressed. I’m hoping I won’t get that depressed because I am still on Lithium, and working with other medications, too.

Unfortunately, there are things happening, and thoughts passing that still verify my depressed state. Let me tell you a little about what my brain thinks about during these times.

First of all, everything requires so much more energy than it normally would. Getting lunch for my 6 year old is hard- changing diapers is almost impossible. I still get irritated at little things. Hearing the constant crying from my 15 month olds makes me scream. And boy, I really wish it didn’t.

The biggest thing about depression is our distorted thinking. We have constant negative thoughts that seem to spiral out of control. What I’ve been thinking about lately is the length of time I have to deal with bipolar. This is a lifelong disorder. There is no cure- even with the best medications. And I can’t help but get jealous and full of hate when I think of all you people who get to just enjoy your lives and do whatever they want- with an occasional trial. While here I am, cursed with a constant annoyance that screws with my life choices and messes with everyone close to me. It’s not fair! Yes, I know that sounds juvenile- but it’s how I feel. Why did I get to be so cursed? What did I do wrong to deserve this? All the time? No breaks?

And then I start thinking about everyone around me. No wonder I don’t have any friends that want to hang out with me. And my poor, poor family. What a burden I am on their lives- they’ve done nothing to deserve my problems, either. They didn’t choose this. (I had already been married to my husband for 5 or 6 years when I was diagnosed- bless his heart for sticking around- but I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to leave.) I have frequent conversations with my 6 year old, trying to explain to him that when I yell at him, it’s not his fault, it’s just mommy’s brain being stupid again. I start to feel that I’m totally screwing up his life.

Then, I feel so bad about the things that I do and say that hurt everyone, including myself, that I start down the path of suicide. It doesn’t start with “I’m going to kill myself”. It starts smaller “My family would be better off without me”, “I wish I could just disappear”, “Maybe my family should just leave”, “Maybe I should run away”. The scary part is when these thoughts are the ones that make the most sense in my life. I still try, and for the most part, do okay, at reasoning with myself. “don’t take a mother away from your children- they need a mother, however flawed”, “Your husband has told you many times that he loves you no matter what struggles you have to suffer”, “leaving your family won’t solve the problem, it’ll only create more pain”.

I know all my thought patterns are distorted, so just telling me that it’s wrong thinking won’t help. In fact, telling me I’m wrong just adds to the feelings of hopelessness. I start feeling disconnected from everyone and everything. I find no pleasure in doing my crafting or listening to music or taking a bath, so there’s not even a temporary escape from the feelings of depression, other than sleep, so I end up sleeping a lot when depressed. I can bring myself down a little from the mania, but I don’t know how I can bring myself up from the depression.

I know deep down in my head and in my heart that depression will pass, but I never know how long it will take. (However long will seem like forever, anyway.) It’s just a matter of endurance, and grasping onto whatever help I can find. If you come across someone who is depressed, don’t try to fix it. Just love us. Talk to us. Just be there. Maybe when the depression passes, we’ll be able to thank you properly for being there.