Body Image and Motivation

That’s it! I’ve had it!

No more pretending that I’m okay. I’m NOT okay. I’m sick of it. This week, it all came crumbling down around me.

You see, I have these friends who have been trying to get me to go to a Zumba class with them for a while. I finally decided to go last week. It should be fun to dance again, I thought. I've done Zumba before and loved it. And just to be out with friends is a good idea for me.

Now, you all know that I have body image issues- I have written about it before- trying to turn my attitude around by focusing on the things that I like about myself. This is not about that. It’s about the sheer need to get in shape.

Once I got to the studio, I felt a little out of place. It’s been so long since I’ve danced, and even longer since I’ve had a social life, I just felt awkward. But, I was determined to get back in the groove- literally and figuratively, so I stayed. The class was held at  a dance studio, so it wasn’t uncommon for an entire wall to be nothing but mirrors. I was a little surprised at my reaction. Once everyone showed up, I couldn’t help but notice how I towered over everyone there (not totally unexpected since I’m a tall person… I’m kind of used to being the tall girl in the class). Unfortunately, I also noticed how much fatter I was than everyone else there. I also noticed how awkwardly I moved since I was so out of shape. I was a giant- a clumsy giant.

I felt so disgusted and embarrassed at what I saw before me, that I asked one of my friends to please stand in front of me so I couldn’t see myself. I could still see my head towering over hers, but I worked really hard to just use this as motivation to work harder instead of giving up- as I’m sure giving up would just make me more depressed.

I obsessed about this for a few days. I hadn’t seen my full body at one time in years. I hid from pictures. And we have no full-length mirror at our house. I was already embarrassed by my body just because of what the scale told me.

I grew up an extremely skinny girl. I didn’t even hit 100 lbs till I was a junior in high school. Some kids got teased for being fat- I got teased for being skinny. Others thought I was anorexic (No- I never was anorexic, or bulimic)- THAT’S how skinny I was. I was also- more often than not- a dancer. I started when I was three years old, and continued off and on through college, where I received my bachelor’s in Dance from BYU. This constant body activity, and my naturally high metabolism taught me that I could eat anything I wanted, and there would be no consequences.

Then I had kids.

Now, my body can’t lose any baby weight. I’m almost at 200 lbs, and I’m confused, embarrassed, angry, and disgusted. I’ve lost the dancer in me- and so I feel that I’m also in mourning for her. I used to (not out loud, but in my head) give others a really hard time for not losing the weight they were always complaining about. So, now I’m punishing myself for that, too.

Here are a couple pictures of me now. One: a headshot taken as I’m writing this blog. You may not see anything wrong with it, but I see the beginnings of a double chin, rounder than I used to be. Two: a full body side view shot in my swimsuit. I have a better, more obvious shot of me in a sports bra and shorts, but I was a little too embarrassed to post that one. You can sort of see my belly sticking out and my horrible posture. I’m just not even. My belly is my worst trouble spot.

After obsessing for a few days, I talked it over with my husband. I’m done. No more excuses.

We got me a gym membership.

 

And a calorie counter app for my phone.

I’m a little nervous about the eating part. As I understand it, I should have about 1,200 calories per day, and an hour of exercise in order to lose weight. I’ve never had to mess with my eating before, but I think I’m going to have to in order to have any affect.

I’ve already figured out when to fit the gym into my schedule. If I don’t do it every day, I think I’ll slack off…. But I can’t. So, I’m going every day after I drop my son off at school. Besides, I can’t slack off anymore: I have a goal now.

Next year, Jake and I are celebrating our ten-year anniversary. I told him we need to go somewhere, just the two of us. Even though we haven’t decided where that trip will be yet, my goal is to lose 50 lbs before February. That means I need to lose about 8 pounds a month- which I know is totally doable.

I know that my primary goal right now is to lose the weight, but I have two underlying motivators as well. First of all, I’d like to know that if anyone needed a dance teacher, I could be a viable candidate. Secondly, all of the bipolar websites I’ve been to recommend a regular exercise routine for maintenance management.

So, there you have it. Sorry, it’s another rant about my horrible body image, but this time, I’m doing something about it. I’ll report back every now and then about my progress. And you know what? Maybe you can come on this weight loss journey with me. It’s more fun- and more motivating- with friends.