Finding Hope in the Journey: Understanding Mental Illness

On my last entry about Women’s Conference, I will write about the session entitled “Finding Hope in the Journey: Understanding Mental Illness”. This class seemed to be patterned after my own experience. I cried several times as I nodded in agreement to what the teachers were saying. In some instances, they gave much-needed words to my clouded feelings about the process of dealing with a mental illness. I left feeling empowered and overwhelmed with gratitude. (The words and points of the teachers will be bolded. My thoughts will be in normal type.)

Monica Blume

Most of what Sister Blume expressed are exactly how I feel and what I have learned through my personal journey with a mental illness, so I doubt I will have many of my own thoughts attached. But, they will be my words from now on- so, recognize that, for the purpose of this blog, these thoughts belonged to Monica Blume… but in the future, they will be mine as well.

First, Blume wanted us to realize first and foremost that mental illness is NOT the end of a happy life. It does take hard work, and discipline in the little decisions every day, but happiness can be attained even with a mental illness.

She stressed the importance of CHOOSING TO CHANGE. It is easy for someone with mental illness to fall into the pattern of letting the illness and distorted thinking to control our lives… but it doesn’t have to be that way. If we make that choice to take control of the illness rather than the other way around, we can better manage our lives. I had to go through this process. It is not an easy choice to make (again and again and again), nor is it an easy process to get to that happiness that we all want. BUT, it is doable. I am living proof that living with a mental illness doesn’t mean death and despair all the time (and not just because I have bipolar and struggle with mania, too). I still have episodes, but because I have found a bunch of management strategies that I faithfully adhere to, my episodes are shorter and much more manageable. Believe that change is possible.

Blume gave a list of important things to understand as we learn to deal with mental illness in ourselves or in a loved one. These include:

1.    Be willing to be uncomfortable to get things better. (SO true… the process can really suck sometimes…) But understand, too, that the idea of change is/can be much less uncomfortable than the idea of staying the same and in a rut your whole life.

2.    Have someone around who is willing to fight/intervene

3.    Recognize that you can’t do it alone. There is no point in suffering alone.

4.    Don’t let your or their unsubstantial beliefs keep you from getting help. I’ve said it before, I will say it again- there is NO shame in getting help. I have created a “toolbox” of things that help me stay relatively stable: meditations, good sleep (I’m working on this- apparently my bad sleep has been due to sleep apnea- who knew? I’m currently trying to get used to a CPAP machine so my sleep will be more reparative), good hydration and good diet (also a work in progress), exercise (I dance), a good therapist (therapy is a tool to get you to where you want to be), a good psychiatrist to monitor my medications (many people believe that taking medicine is not dealing with the problem. This kind of thinking is WRONG. Medicine helps correct an imbalance so we are better able to deal). These are my main tools in my toolbox. Using tools is ALWAYS better than getting there alone.

5.    If you have no desire to get better- have the desire to have the desire to develop hope. Does that make sense? You have to want it first- if you don’t, pray for the desire. God wants you to get well, too. Attitude is critical.

6.    Endure.  

·       “Embrace the suck”

·      Change what we can

·      Push through what we can’t

Blume suggested that the best way to start dealing with a mental illness is to take the following steps:

·      Start with the basics: food, sleep, safety

·      Don’t wait: Get help immediately. If you’re unsure, reach out. Find a professional that can answer your questions- they will help you know what to do.

·      Keep working on finding a solution till one can be found. Try solutions, adjust, try again. I’ve talked about this one in the past, also. Sometimes, your first solution won’t work. If it doesn’t work (after giving it a little time and a fair shot to work), move on to the next solution. We do this with medication till we find some that work with minimal side effects. We do this with therapists till we find one that we click with. My therapist and I did it with several other management strategies till we found a few that work. Give them all a fair shot- but if it’s not working, look elsewhere.

After all this advice and insight, it boils down to three things:

·      People are good. People are strong beyond anything when they are put to the test. Have faith.

·      There is ALWAYS hope.

·      Change CAN happen

Micheal Adams

Brother Adams started by giving us a list of UTAH statistics. As far as physical health is concerned, Utah ranks #5 in the nation for best health. However, Utah also ranks #1 in the nation for mental health issues- especially that of depression- and especially for women. This does not mean that women have depression more than men- only that women tend to get help more than men do. Suicide is completed much more frequently by men- probably because they believe men “shouldn’t” have mental health issues. So, they don’t get help, and it eats away at them till they can’t take it anymore. This kills me- no pun intended.

Mental Health issues- especially depression is way more common than we think or give it credit for.

Taking care of both our physical health AND our mental health is VITAL.

But there’s one major roadblock standing in the way of taking care of our mental health issues: STIGMA. Stigma is defined as “a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.” Synonyms include; shame, dishonor, humiliation, or bad reputation. Honestly- why does this still exist?

During my experience at Women’s Conference, and going to three separate sessions about mental health issues, I was constantly reminded of just how many people struggle with it- either their own, or someone they care about. SERIOUSLY, people! If there are SO many that suffer from the effects of mental illness, why is stigma still an issue?

Stigma is perpetuated by several false beliefs. Among these include,

·      If you have a mental illness, you can’t be trusted.

·      All with a mental illness are violent

·      If you’re dealing with mental illness, you’re stupid

And even worse are those false beliefs brought on by religion:

·      If we’re righteous, God will protect us from mental illness

·      If you have a mental illness, it’s a sign of God’s disfavor with you, or because you sinned.

Come on, please- aren’t we all smarter than this?

There are many physical ailments that are chronic: diabetes, fibromyalgia, enlarged prostate, chronic fatigue, Crohn’s disease, to name a few. There are also other physical ailments that may or may not be a life-long struggle- like cancer. All of these things infect and sometimes change different organs of the body. So, why is the brain any different? It’s just another organ of the body that has a chemical difference. That’s all. Very few people blame someone for having cancer. So, why is it suddenly someone’s fault who deals with clinical depression, bipolar, or schizophrenia? What are we so afraid of?

There are probably many reasons that the stigma continues. I choose to do my part to end the stigma by talking about it, and correcting misunderstandings about mental illness- though I am still not an expert on the matter. I do this through my blog. Those of us who have a mental illness are NORMAL people. We struggle with different things, yes. But this does not mean we should be avoided or feared.

STOP THE STIGMA!!! Many people fear to get the help that they need because stigma exists. We worry about what others may think of us, so we hold back and pretend that everything is fine- ultimately resulting in making our situation even worse. If we can end the stigma, we can stop spending so much energy focusing on what others think, and focus more on getting well.

The Journey to getting well and stable while having a mental illness is not an easy one. There is a statement I heard recently (though I can’t remember where it was from) that said the following:

“What other people think of you

is none of your business”

You can’t control others- that weight would be overbearing. You can control you. Who cares what other people might think or say? What matters is that you get well. And you will find others who will be on your side along the way. Again- it’s not easy, but it IS doable. Stop expending so much energy worrying about things you can’t control- and focus on what you can. You can do it.

Suicidal Thoughts

I sat alone- very lonely- feeling useless- that my life was pointless, and that I was causing more harm than good. No matter what anyone said to me, I couldn’t feel loved- only emptiness. My mind started wandering, and with what felt like a completely natural thought process, they began:

“If I were to commit suicide- how would I do it? I’m too much of a baby to use a gun or a knife, or do anything really violent. I just want to go quietly. Maybe I would just take every pill we have in the house. Or maybe I will turn on the car and breath in the toxins till I fall asleep. Maybe I’ll just do both- to make sure it works.”

These thoughts came more than once, but as long as they were just in my head, it wasn’t a big deal. Or so I thought.

Soon after that, I noticed things were not right with my body; I was tired all the time, I felt kind of out of whack, though I don’t really know how to describe it. I figured I needed a dosage change in my bipolar medications, so I went to my new family doctor. I described to her the symptoms I was feeling, and told her I probably need a change in my bipolar medications. Then, kind of as an afterthought, I told her about these thoughts. As I described them to her, I realized the seriousness of what I was saying. Was this really coming out of my mouth? Were those thoughts seriously in MY head?

I watched as the doctor’s jaw dropped, and she stopped her business of typing on the computer. I could tell she was very concerned, and now, so was I. She told me about certain levels of suicidal thinking. There are suicidal thoughts, suicidal planning, and suicidal intentions. Suicidal thoughts, she said, could be something like “I wish I could just disappear” or “my family would be better off without me”. Suicidal planning was exactly where my head was- how would I do it? Even though I had a plan, I had no intentions of carrying it out. It just felt like normal wondering… And Suicidal intentions are just that- real intent to follow through and carry out my plans.

This is not an easy subject to write about, but I have felt for some time that it needed to be done. Suicidal thoughts are real, and can happen to anyone. My experience with suicidal thoughts and suicidal planning scare me to this day. How could I let it get that far? My circumstances were NEVER bad. I’ve ALWAYS had a team of good people surrounding me. It was never an issue with my life circumstances- it was an issue with my mental health. Somehow, that made it worse. A little stigma played into this, too. Somehow, because it’s in my brain, that made the problem inaccessible.

I hope this blog can help be a game changer for someone. The information in this blog in no way replaces getting professional help. It is only meant to help the readers understand a little more about suicide and suicidal thinking.

While attending Women’s Conference in April, I went to a session entitled “Only He Would Know the Intent of the Heart: Understanding Suicide”, which gave me more valuable information to pass on to you. The words of the two speakers will be bolded. My additional thoughts will be in regular or italics.

David Wood

Brother Wood gave lists of information regarding someone who may be at risk for suicide. He said that those at risk:

•  Never says on their own they have suicidal thoughts
• May send clues or invitations
• Part of them is contemplating dying, but part of them also wants to live
• Will usually discuss suicide first with a NON-professional

We were given an introduction to the Interpersonal Theory of Suicide as developed by Dr. Joiner. These were a few of the life-sustaining needs of an at risk people:

• Perceived Burdonsomeness: thoughts along the lines of “People will be better if I’m gone”, “I’m a disappointment to others”, “I’m the reason that others are ___________”
• Thwarted Belongingness: Limited social support/loss of closeness, relationships never materialize, painful disruption in key relationships
• Acquired capabilities: experiences that desensitize to pain and fear, or prior attempts

Don’t be surprised by the following: Brother Wood said it’s okay to ask someone: “Are you thinking about suicide?” It’s easy to assume they won’t answer in the affirmative. But, in asking this, its almost like you’re giving them permission to release a load from their shoulders. Don’t freak out if they do answer yes. The thing is- like in my story above- most people don’t realize the level of severity unless they talk about it. Once they are allowed to talk about it without being judged, they can come to terms with what they need to do on their own (though they might not want to do it alone).

Lisa Leavitt

Sister Leavitt spoke mostly of how to cope when someone you know has committed suicide. She talked about the grieving process: denial, anger, guilt, isolation, confusion, and how these steps all lead towards healing. She wanted everyone to recognize that all these feelings are normal and valid and have no set time limit.

One thing that she said about guilt was that many feel guilty for being angry, and use the phrase “I could have prevented”. While waiting for the class to start, I actually heard someone say “If I had only been a better mother…” My heart broke for this woman. I did not know everything about her story, but it cut straight to my heart that she felt so sure that she could have prevented her son from committing suicide, and blamed herself for it happening. I wanted to wrap her up in love and reassurance. But, I recognize that she is on her own path of finding peace again. I pray that she finds it.

Sister Leavitt also spoke of other things that someone dealing with the suicide of a loved one might be dealing with:

• There will always be unanswered questions
• They may socially withdraw
• They are also dealing with the stigma of suicide (and many avoid the topic altogether)
• They may feel abandoned by God
• They are coping with a great deal of confusion

Knowing these small facts may help us understand what the families and friends have to deal with now that their loved one is gone. It tells me to be more open and loving, and deal with feeling uncomfortable if they need to talk.

Finally Sister Leavitt spoke of the one thing we all know, but is important to reiterate: A Savior was promised. Only He knows the magnitude of our struggles. You have read my words about this topic before, and trust me, this won’t be the last. I know that Christ is my Savior. I know it is in his power to take away my pain, but sometimes He allows me to suffer, and He teaches me in the process if I let Him. I am so grateful to know I am not fighting my battles by myself. I know that Christ suffered in the garden of Gethsemane to take upon him my sins, but to also take upon him my physical pain and my emotional pain. He knows what it feels like to think that there is no way out- to feel completely hopeless and helpless and useless. And he did that so he could be there for ME- and know and understand ME. The acceptance of this is empowering.

With my Savior on my side, I was able to take the necessary steps to getting help. My husband took off work and stayed at home with my kids, so that I could go to the University of Utah Neuropsychiatric Hospital. I felt like I didn't belong at first, but everyone who worked there was so respectful and understanding. The psychiatrist that I was placed with regulated my meds, and my social worker found me a psychologist and a psychiatrist to be my guides as soon as I left the hospital. Have I had suicidal thoughts since? Yes, in all honesty, I have. But, they've been more fleeting because it's been easier to talk about and easier to know what to do when that happens. I am continually in recovery- which is a good place to be.

I hope this has served to give you more understanding of suicide and suicidal thinking. Below is a national crisis number if ever you need help. There is NEVER shame in asking for help. It is a sign of strength.

1 (800) 273-8255

Help and Hope: Coping With Depression

At Women’s Conference, there was a possibility of going to 6 separate classes. In each time slot, there were 15 classes to choose from. It was a very difficult choice. There were so many good options. But I had a specific goal and purpose in mind. I wanted to see what kind of insights I might find on mental health/mental illness to write about on this blog. That made the decision a lot easier. There were 3 separate classes that spoke about mental health and mental illness. So as not to stress myself out, I only attended these three classes, and boy- do I have some good stuff for you!

I was going to try and cram all three sessions I attended into one blog, but there are way too many good insights to just breeze through them all. I think I will have to do one blog entry for each class. For the purpose of this entry, I will use bolded words to show what the speakers said, and regular or italicized wording for my own thoughts and insights. Each class had two speakers. This first class was called “Help and Hope: Coping with Depression”.

Shauna Beard

Sister Beard had a list of helpful hints when learning to deal with depression (and I regret to say I didn’t catch them all- I don’t write fast enough). One was to recognize the symptoms. I have been taught to do this with both bipolar depression as well as mania. There are generally patterns associated with an episode. They may be different from person to person, but over time, you learn to recognize when you might be dipping down into depression (or mania) again, and you can initiate actions that can minimize the effects of an episode.

Seek professional help. PLEASE!!! We all need help sometimes, and there is NO shame in asking for it. If our car breaks down, we take it to the mechanic, not hide and pretend that everything is okay. Mental illness is just like a heart condition- it needs professional care. This care may include medication, verbal therapy, or even hospitalization. The sooner you get professional help, the sooner you can lessen the effects of depression.

Respond with kindness- even to yourself. We humans (especially we women) have a terrible habit of not giving ourselves a break. We are compassionate and understanding and kind to those around us, but if we ourselves are struggling, we respond by beating ourselves up. STOP IT!

Don’t stop searching until you get the help you need. I have almost always been pretty open about having bipolar, and gave my husband permission to talk about it as well (It can be very draining on a caregiver). He found someone that gave him this same advice. Just because you go to a therapist doesn’t mean that’s the best therapist for you. Apparently, this man’s wife went to a therapist for a number of years until she finally admitted it wasn’t helping her. They found another therapist that was more in synch and this man’s wife could finally start getting the help that worked for her. It’s okay to be more aggressive in your search for good care.

Fear can be dispelled through correct knowledge. Depression can be a scary thing. You have thoughts that aren’t you. You don’t feel like you. You suddenly feel completely alone and lonely in a room full of family and friends who love you. However, recognizing depression for what it is (situational or clinical- see previous post) can give you more power. Just the knowledge that there’s something in your brain that’s causing those things makes it more real instead of an all-powerful controlling entity. Learn everything you can- and you’ll better be able to manage it.

My therapist and I frequently talk about taking our “daily vitals”. These vitals are basically me checking in with myself: where am I on the scale? How depressed? How manic? Did I take my medication today? How much sleep did I get? Was I irritable or anxious today? These things help me stay in tune with myself and my disorder. I was thrilled when Sister Beard talked about taking your religious vitals. Have I read my scriptures today? Have I had a priesthood blessing? Did I pray? Have I been compassionate towards others? Have I been kind to myself? Do I follow the spirit (though this last one is sometimes difficult to do. When a person is depressed, it becomes very hard to feel the spirit or to know when your feeling the spirit)? Staying in tune religiously or spiritually is just as important as staying in tune physically. It helps me keep my disorder in better perspective. It reminds me that there are more sides of me than just a mental illness- I am so much more than that. Remembering my relationship with God bolsters me and keeps me from getting overly angry (yes, it still happens a little, but I’m working on it) when I do have an episode.

Kristina Hansen

Sister Hansen is a psychologist and assistant clinical professor at BYU. It seemed her whole thesis statement was that understanding depression allows for proper responding. She used all of her time to cram as much information about depression as possible. It was amazing- SO much good stuff. I took 3 full pages of single-spaced notes on her talk alone. Here’s a summary of what I gleaned from her:

Talking about depression humanizes both us and depression. I wrote a recent blog entry about why I talk about having bipolar. One of the reasons was that somehow talking makes bipolar less of an all-powerful thing. Talking brings it into perspective and allows me to be in control. To read the full entry, click here.

Depression affects more women than men

Religion alone doesn’t lessen the chance of getting depression. PLEASE- do NOT be hard on yourself for getting depression. For a long time, I was angry and felt hopeless because I kept having the thought over and over “but I’m a good girl. I do everything that I should. Why do I have to suffer through depression?” Trials are trials, and nobody is immune for the possibility of getting depressed. Accepting that fact may make it easier to manage.

There was a list of aspects that may make you more prone to having a depressive episode. These include: stress, loss, anger, genetic predisposition, physical illness, lack of sunlight, low rewards, other physiological causes. It seems to me that not all, but some of these are within our ability to control- or at least lessen the affects of. For example, we can’t control genetic predisposition, but we can lower our stress. Lack of sunlight seems out of our control, but we can buy a grow light or a sun lamp to give us at least a small portion of vitamin D.

Somehow, we Feel more valid if our depression is tied to a reason. NEWSFLASH! And I hate this as much as you do… we don’t always get to have a reason to feel depressed. Clinical depression comes at random times- and may not align itself to what is going on in your life. It is NOT okay for friends or family to say “You have so many things going for you- you shouldn’t be depressed.” If you hear this, they are obviously a little ignorant. Don’t let it get to you.

There are 9 symptoms typical of the depressed (5 need to be present in a two week period in order to be diagnosed as depressed):

·      Depressed mood

·      Loss of interest or pleasure

·      Significant weight loss

·      Insomnia

·      Psychomotor agitation or retardation

·      Fatigue or loss of energy

·      Feelings of worthlessness

·      Diminished ability to think or concentrate

·      Recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal ideation, or an attempt

It has been my belief that when someone struggles with depression, or bipolar like me, or any other mental illness, one should look everywhere for ALL the best practices. Sister Hansen seemed to agree. She said that we should seek help in the form of individual therapy, group therapy, and medication, but doctors say that compassion is the best treatment. Be kind to yourself. You are not less than. You are not at fault, nor should you be blamed. In fact,

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

YOU ARE ENOUGH

Wanting to be loved and accepted is good, but you don’t have to earn love.

First, she stated that seeking help is a reflection of a belief that God wants the best for his children- INCLUDING self.

Then, she proceeded to give a list of Strategies For Resilience

1.    BALANCED lifestyle: daily exercise, good hydration, balanced diet, good sleep, etc. I almost laughed out loud at this one. I don’t know how many times my therapist has reiterated to me these very things. And yes, I notice a big difference when I’m making an effort on this front.

2.    Give yourself time for relaxing and pleasure

3.    Avoid social isolation- This one is really hard to do. All you want to do when your depressed is to avoid other people and just be completely alone. So, we’re basically being asked to go against instincts. So, if we’re to avoid making depression and stress worse in our lives, connecting with others is the key.

4.    Express intense emotions appropriately. If you get really angry, don’t start throwing things or hitting people, take a walk to cool off. Put yourself in time out and working on breathing exercises. Call your therapist and schedule an extra appointment.

5.    Seek professional help. It’s okay to admit if you need help. Everybody does in some capacity at some point in their lives. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to get better.

6.    INVOLVE CHRIST- struggles are a part of God’s plan. I don’t believe we asked or volunteered for our specific trials; but I do believe that God knows us so intimately that he knew how we could grow through this trial. Also, He sent Jesus to suffer and die- not just for our sins- but so He would know how to succor (run to) his people. That means He knows what its like to feel depressed, angry, suicidal, alone, isolated, etc. He KNOWS you. The atonement is not just for sin, it’s so we don’t have to carry this burden alone.

Now, will these things take away your depression? Maybe, but probably not. What they WILL do is take the edge off and make it a little more manageable. I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE!!!

My Eyes Were Opened

What a busy couple of weeks I have had! It’s been full of sickness, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, a new diagnosis and sleep adjustments. By far, though, my favorite activity was the opportunity I had to go to Women’s Conference. Held at BYU, Women’s Conference is very similar to BYU Education week. There are a few keynote speakers, and several classes offered on various topics throughout the course of two days. This was the first time I attended, but I don’t think it will be the last. I went with the objective of finding new perspectives and resources for this blog, and since the blog is mainly about mental health- that became my goal.

I don’t think I can cover everything I want to in just one blog, so I thought I’d take a few entries to cover all the wonderful information I got there. The overall theme this year was “Covenants” (promises between us and God). Many of the speakers spoke of what making covenants can do for us: they protect us, they help our commitment to God, they give us heavenly power, they ease our burdens.

Sister Wendy Watson Nelson went as far as to say the fulfillment of the specific covenant to attend the temple and do family history work will take away depression and anxiety. This is not 100% true. While I don’t discount the power that serving in this capacity has, I do have to make one clarification that I wish she had made. There are two types of depression. There is situational depression, and there is clinical depression. Situational depression is just that; extreme sadness that is brought upon by one or more acts in a person’s life. Clinical depression, though it can be triggered by an event in our lives, it’s not always necessary for a depressive episode to occur. The same thing is true about anxiety. A person may have a little anxiety without having an anxiety disorder.

The reason this is so important to clarify is because I have been on both sides of depression: situational and clinical. And in my experience, service has the power to pull you out of a situational depressive episode. However, it CANNOT pull you from clinical depression. In fact, generalizing statements like these can add a load of guilt on top of clinical depression. I’m already feeling low- so if I’m told that service can take it away, and it doesn’t? That only makes me feel like I’m not righteous enough, and I’m undeserving of God’s power.

Do I recommend doing service when depressed? Yes. It does have the power to ease your situational depression, even if it can’t take it away. Even if clinically depressed, service still might take a small portion of your thoughts and put them on someone else. Clinical depression can be very hefty, though, and can make it physically impossible to remove yourself from your bed. DO NOT think you are any less of a person if clinical depression is in your life. DO NOT believe, for a minute, that you are doing something wrong if service doesn’t take it away.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I fully enjoyed my experience over the two days spent at Women’s Conference. Each sister I spoke with was more delightful than the last. I wish I took pictures with all of them, but here are a couple whose stories were something I could connect with… and what beautiful spirits!

The final keynote speaker was Elder M Russell Ballard. He spoke of the amazing influence a woman can have. He spoke of our ability to change the world. He advised us to ask questions and find truth on our knees; to desire to fortify our faith; to be unified in faith and purpose; to draw on my unique experience and perspective. He emphasized that everyone has a part and a specific purpose, saying that you didn’t have to earn the role of being a daughter of God. He reminded us that we’ve made covenants to save souls- and to build the kingdom of God and lead the women of the world with those covenants.

I was crying by this point. He had so many amazing things to say about women- about me. There was even one point where everything seemed to slow down, and my eyes were spiritually opened. I looked around the Marriott Center where we were seated, and I saw how many women were there. I was spiritually touched by how much WORTH was in that room; how much LOVE I knew God had for every single person there. And I wanted to tell them.

So, instead, I tell you. I know you are in your own phase of life. I know you have your own reasons for reading this blog… but that doesn’t matter. YOU have so much worth. YOU are beautiful. YOU are strong. YOU have the ability to do hard things. God loves YOU so much. He has a plan specially designed for YOU because he knows you can do it. YOU have a part to play.  YOU are important. YOU are talented. YOU are loved.

Time Out For Women, Part 2

I have returned, just like I said I would, to continue lessons I learned at Time Out For Women in November 2014. (I apologize for last week’s entry. I gave you quotes without telling you who said what. I have remedied that- you will find their names along with their quotes.) Here we go:

“Having the Holy Ghost is the greatest beauty secret.”

–Elaine Dalton

How many times a day do we, as women, criticize our bodies, or our hair, or even our inner “lack of talents”? I am guilty as charged. We tend to only see the negative and fail to see the amazing beauty we DO have. As Sister Dalton stated, the Holy Ghost gives us a certain look, a certain glow that can only ring through as true beauty. It may be hard to see in ourselves, but if we look at our friends, we can see those who truly seek after the spirit in their lives; they shine!

So maybe, instead of spending hours on our hair and makeup, we can steal a few more minutes to do things that help us feel and recognize the spirit; things like reading and studying the scriptures, listen to the hymns, say our personal prayers and acknowledge God in our lives. These are the things that will make us stand out to others.

“YOU are the mom of your kids-

do YOU things with them.

Don’t try to be any other mom.”

–Elaine Dalton

Sister Dalton used the example of a Pinterest mom. You know, the kind that copies the really cool projects they see on Pinterest- and they do it well? And the rest of us just kind of look at pinterest longingly, but the projects we attempt kind of flop? I have to admit, I’ve gone both ways. I have done successful Pinterest projects, and I have had utter failures. Either way, I spend a lot of my time wishing I were that perfect mom- the one that can through birthday parties with party favors and themed games, cake, and other treats…

But I’m not meant to be a Pinterest mom. I need to be authentic with my kids. So what do I do? I do yoga with my son and have mini dance parties with my girls in the living room. That’s who I am- those things are authentically me. My kids need ME for ME. I was chosen to be their mother- and that means there is something I have that no other mother can give them. So, why keep trying to be somebody else? What kind of parent are you? Giving them YOU is the best thing you can do for your kids.

“As you see yourself,

Your daughters will see themselves.”

 –Camille (I didn’t catch her last name)

I kind of paraphrased this quote, but this is what she was trying to say. Our kids learn from our example. Even if we tell them how beautiful they are, they will still learn from us how to treat ourselves. If I’m constantly badgering myself because I don’t live up to society’s ridiculous physical expectations of a modern woman, my girls will pick up on that and “understand” that’s how we’re supposed to treat ourselves.

Well, I don’t know about you and your daughters, but my girls deserve SO much better than that. And if they’re going to learn how to treat themselves by watching me- I have to do better at showing them how to be kind by being kind to myself. It is not an easy task when you’re not used to doing it- but my girls are worth it. I purposefully make sure I tell my girls when I feel pretty, or my hair looks awesome today, or I feel strong today- as well as telling them they’re beautiful and strong and kind. So, I’m not only teaching my girls to love themselves, I’m teaching me how to love me. Trust me- life is much nicer when I see the good in myself.

“You’re NOT broken. Look inside-

YOU have a powerful soul.”

–Kris Belcher

As one with Bipolar disorder, it is common to think and feel that I’m broken or unworthy of (fill in the blank)- that I’m not whole. So, when I heard this thought and the spirit confirmed its truth about me, I was thrilled. I didn’t fully believe it- and there are still times that this thought of being broken comes back to haunt me… are there trials? Yes. But that doesn’t mean I’m damaged goods- Quite the opposite. As I’ve learned how to manage this disorder, I’ve also learned a great deal of patience, of compassion, of strength. You might even say that through this disorder, I have become more powerful than I was before I was diagnosed, as well as before the onset of my symptoms. We are more powerful than we know.

Time Out For Women, Part 1

On April 8^th, I wrote an entry about finally being able to accept myself, my body, and my current role in life. I presented it as a quick change of mind and heart. This is not accurate. Though that experience was the kick in the butt I needed to finally accept me for me, there were many things leading up to that point; things that, I believe, were slowly making that change. Isn’t that the way the Lord works, after all? Line upon line? Precept upon precept?

One of the major steps in finding my new perspective was found in my attending “Time Out for Women” in November. “For over 10 years, Time Out for Women has been inviting faithful women to step away from the daily routine and make space for themselves and their spiritual lives. What started as an inspirational weekend event full of music, cheering, presenters, friends, and laughter has grown into a worldwide community of like-minded women seeking good. Whether they connect through TOFW.com or at a local event, TOFW women are choosing to be uplifted, reenergized, educated, entertained, and inspired with thousands of women all over the world.” (tofw.com)

I’d like to share some of the thoughts that hit home with me- that helped me take the next few steps in accepting myself and my divine destiny. There were several AMAZING people, mostly sisters, who presented on various topics. I will share the thoughts in presenter order, and share my reaction to each of the thoughts. I probably won’t finish sharing all my notes in this one blog, so I will write another blog on the same topic.

“Find contentment in the

season you are in.”

(Thought given by Sandra- unfortunately, I didn't write down her last name.) At the time, I was looking at a person in the mirror I didn’t know. I was trying to look like I did in college. I was trying to have more work experience. Even as a stay-at-home mom, I am sometimes able to get freelance work as a choreographer and dance teacher. I hadn’t worked for a while, and I was dwelling on that fact. Somehow, this made me less of a person. As I have turned the corner, I see myself as I am now: A slightly overweight mother of three with graying hair (YES!!! SO excited about this), who has been given a different calling. I see it now- and I’m good with it.

“The gifts that we have been

given can be used to

counteract our trials.”

(Sheri Dew) What an interesting thought! In Bipolar, and I imagine many other trials, it is easy to dwell on the negative things. And we have to put up a fight to get through those trials. Each of us have been given specific trials- and each of us have been given specific gifts. I imagine each trial is like being locked in a room. These gifts act as keys to open the doors and windows and let in a little air.

Specific example? Bipolar is one of my life-long trials. I have been able to use a gift of expression to help me cope. I have had several years of performing experience- dance, theatre, and music to help me not be afraid of speaking/performing in front of others. As such, I have found opportunities to share my trials- again, helping myself cope, but also helping others realize they are not alone. This has been a huge blessing for me. I also have this blog- though started simply as a type of journal writing to help me cope- has turned into so much more.

Quick thinking: What are your trials? Now, what are your gifts? How can you use those gifts to help you counteract your trials?

“We are custom made

to fill unique parts.”

(Elaine Dalton) The hardest part is recognizing and accepting what that part may be. If I were to choose a role for myself, I would be teaching dance fulltime in a school somewhere. That’s about it. Though there is absolutely nothing wrong with this calling (Yes- teaching IS a calling- you have to be a pretty amazing person to choose this sort of lifestyle), it would have been very incompatible with a Bipolar diagnosis- especially at the beginning.

No- I recognize that my focus right now is managing me/bipolar and taking care of my family.  And though its only in small parts, I have been given the opportunity to reach out to others who may suffer from the same problems I do. This is unique, and I am humbled that God sees fit that I do this.

“You’re daughters of God-

You are not alone.”

(Elaine Dalton) Daughter: I don’t think Heavenly Father takes that word very lightly. We are His children. He knows us. He loves us. Individually. Uniquely.

It is hard when you’re depressed to feel the Spirit. It is among the hardest when you feel that you have been abandoned by heaven. I know. I’ve been there. Even when I didn’t feel it- I used every ounce of strength to trust that I had felt it before, and that I would feel it again.  What gave me the most strength was the knowledge and testimony I had that Heavenly Father had sent Jesus Christ. He is my Savior, and that He knew and knows EXACTLY what I go through because He went through it, too. We are never alone. He will ALWAYS be there, if we allow him to.

THIS- THIS is the root of feeling better about myself: Who I am to God. If you matter that much to Him- to send his son to suffer just like you are- you must be pretty important.

To Be Continued...

The Woman in the Mirror

For a long time, I've looked in the mirror and have been confused at what I see. I frequently ask myself: Who is she? I used to know her, but I hardly recognize myself anymore. That is, until recently...

It all started with a visit to my therapist. I see my therapist every 2 weeks (3 if she's out of town), and honestly- it makes SO much of a difference. She opens my eyes and helps me see things from a different perspective. She helps me release built-up tension or anger, and somehow, my irritability levels (something that can run rampant in someone with bipolar) remain much lower when I see her regularly. It's nice because she is also a Mormon, so we are able to share spiritual growth as well as my growth in dealing with bipolar. She's a bit of a miracle worker.

During one of our more recent discussions, I told her about an experience I had right before our visit. My husband and I attended a funeral. Jake knew most of the people there, but many of them were new to me. Throughout the day, and even afterwards, I received many compliments. One in particular struck me. This compliment was something deeper than your normal compliment. It took me by surprise, especially since this person and I hadn't spoken that much at the funeral. I told my therapist, and exclaimed that it was nice because "...I don't get to hear that very much..."

My therapist stopped me and said "that's a lie"- or something equally as unexpected. She then went on to tell me all of these other experiences that I have had and told her about. All of these experiences, she said, are important because they speak not of your looks or something superficial, but of your eternal character. Then, she asked me a question: "How many times do you have to hear these things until you accept that this is who you are?"

We continued on this path of conversation until it was time for me to go home. This question stuck with me: "How many times until you accept that this is who you are?" I felt repentant... almost as if it were God himself asking me this question. I cried the whole way home.

Because I had felt so sorry to God for not accepting the roles in my life that He has given me, I tried to hang on to that question and those feelings. I had already been working on trying to accept myself and my lots in life, but somehow, this was the turning point for me. I pondered on this question for a few days- and somehow, my burden lifted. Somehow, I was able to accept me for me- and not because I had made any outward changes. My weight was/is still higher than it "should" be. My kids are still loud and needy. I don't have that dream job... or any job. I don't sleep well. I don't enjoy cooking- even though I'd like to. I don't have enough energy during the day. The list goes on.



BUT, I was able to accept my mom's body. (As a dancer, I've been pretty critical of my weight.) I don't think I'm ugly anymore. I can accept my body how it is now. For the longest time, I didn't recognize who I saw in the mirror. I think mostly because I was trying to look like how I did in college. For the first time in years, I saw me how I am now, and it made me HAPPY!!! I actually got pretty excited the other day because I'm starting to see white hairs coming in. WHITE HAIRS!!! I'm not excited because it "shows I have experience"-- no... I'm excited because white hair/gray hair/silver hair is BEAUTIFUL!!! And I can be glad for my age. God has given me one life- one body- and I plan on celebrating it.

In addition to accepting how I look now, I have also accepted the role I am to play. I was able to accept being a stay-at-home mom. Again, for years, I was looking for any opportunity to go out and get a job. Any financial crisis we were in at any given time, my solution was to go get a job. My husband stuck to his guns, though, and insisted the best caregiver we could have for our kids was their mother. I am not without my flaws in this area, but I have finally accepted and am excited to be here for my kids. I have also been given ample oppurtunity - including the use of this blog - to reach out to others who may be also struggling with bipolar or any other mental illness. I am not afraid to speak about it openly and honestly; hopefully connecting with others who may feel lonely or afraid. There is hope. You are not alone. You CAN learn to manage it, though it may be a rough path getting there.

I am in a good place. There is some realistic worry that my feelings of euphoria are coming from a place of mania rather than a place that can last, so I'm trying to hold onto it as long as possible. Even so, I feel I am finally looking forward in my life instead of dwelling on the past. There are, of course, still many things I need to improve on. BUT, I'm grateful for where I am, for WHO I am. The key to discovering our true identity is to stop looking in the mirror, and start looking up. I am a daughter of God. I have a divine destiny and purpose. He will be my guide.