Project #2 and more

I have yet again been inconsistent with my entries. I had planned on doing one every weekend at least, but have failed to stick to my own schedule.

Truth be told, the reason I haven’t written is because I’ve been slightly elevated lately. I’m not sure that it’s actually been as bad as a hypomanic episode, but I’ve been elevated nonetheless. I haven’t slept as well, I’m constantly working on projects, and worse- thinking about more projects.

 

Here is project #2: Christmas Advent Calendars (yes- I’m working on Christmas already- I’m even watching Christmas movies already… don’t “bah-humbug” me). They are still not completely done, but are almost there. I’ve made 4 of this kind for my siblings and I.

I’ve also made 2 of a different kind- they don’t have the binding on yet, so just imagine it done; one is for our ward’s service auction that we do every year, and the other is for a white elephant gift. Call me crazy, but I’ve had a lot of fun working on these.

Other planned projects include (in no particular order)(and most of them found on Pinterest):

·      A way to organize my jewelry in my closet

·      Finding something pretty to organize my make up in

·      Finding somewhere to organize my nail polish

·      Finding and hanging a full length mirror in my bathroom

·      A fall table runner

·      Different seasonal centerpieces for my dining room table

·      Creating seasonal decorations for our porch

There are a few that are more long term- like putting in a copper backsplash (how delish is that?)- but I’m not including those in this list. And I’m sure there are other short term projects that I’ve imagined and obsessed about for a few hours that I’m just not thinking of right now… I keep telling myself to write these projects down. The problem is that even if I write it down, I forget where I put the notepad- so that doesn’t do me any good Maybe if I use this as my notepad- I’ll actually remember to look back.

Even with all these projects being so exciting to me, I have to make sure I just take it one project at a time. For me, these projects can act as triggers and make me spiral out of control into a hypomanic, or even manic episode. As good as that feels for me, my family suffers for it. Also, I’m told that the higher I let myself get without management, the lower my depression will be. I keep myself from serious depression if I keep my elevations in check.

#AlpineYSA

I, along with my husband, were invited to speak at a Young Single Adult (YSA) stake conference that took place last night. I felt awkward and a little out of place because everyone was supposed to be talking about hastening the work and social media. I, however, was told to "follow the Spirit". I already had an idea of what the Lord wanted me to say- but with everyone else saying "everyone will be talking about hastening the work", and with me already feeling like a nobody, I basically felt that I shouldn't be there.

I knew where those feelings were coming from, so I tried to ignore them and focus on my testimony. My talk, after all, was only 5 minutes long. It would soon be forgotten. So, when it was my turn, I got up and said the following (some parts were a little different because I wanted to be real, and not just a bunch of words on the page. However, the second half was mostly read.):

About a month ago, I was sitting in Sunday School, and I was struck with an overwhelming desire to share a certain experience and lesson with the Young Single Adults. Not long after that, I was invited to speak with you today. God certainly has a way of preparing us.

As you might have gathered from my bio, I have bipolar disorder. It is a lifetime illness that first shows itself in late teens/early twenties. It makes me a very emotional and sometimes, irrational person. Those who struggle with this illness tend to be more susceptible to other similar struggles. For example, many who struggle with bipolar also struggle with generalized anxiety disorder. For me, I got a really bad case of post partum depression. It hit just a few months after the twins were born. I felt alone, sad, tired, mentally fractured, and guilty that I couldn’t fulfill my responsibilities as a wife and mother. At one point, it was bad enough that I was hospitalized at the University of Utah Neuropsychiatric Institute. Though my stay at the hospital was only a week, my bout with depression lasted for months, with no foreseeable light at the end of the tunnel. I became angry, And I did what we’re not supposed to do: I started asking God why. Why me?

I wasn’t expecting an answer- because we’re not supposed to be asking that question to begin with- but guess what?  He answered. It was four simple words: “Because I trust you”. At first this made no sense to me, I was confused.

Then, I realized what he meant- (Luke 1:37) “For with God, nothing shall be impossible”. He didn’t just trust me to deal with a difficult trial- he trusted that I would turn to Him to carry me through. He doesn’t expect us to do by ourselves. But He does expect us to make that choice. Our trials don’t just bring Him closer to us. Trials are His way of bringing us closer to Him. God trusts us with our specific trials because He knows we can do it. If we try to do it by ourselves, we may not last, and it will be too hard- turning us into jaded, bitter human beings, but if we turn to Heavenly Father, we will be unstoppable. It may still be hard, but you will have omnipotent power to get you through it.

The timing of our trials is also a sign of God’s trust. Elder Maxwell said it well when he stated “sometimes the best people… have the worst experiences… because they are the most ready to learn.”

So, here’s another way of looking at it. God must think very highly of you to have given you the trials that He has- to trust that you will not only survive your trials, but thrive in them. Trials are just another way of God saying “you are ready to be molded- to be refined”.

The atonement is real. It’s not just a nice story. And it’s not just for sin. Its for every physical pain- every mental anguish- every emotional upset. Take heart. Take courage and use it. God knows you. God loves you. He trusts you- not in spite of your trials, but because of them. Of this I testify, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

 When I was finished, I wasn't sure if I reached anybody, and I continued to doubt myself. I just hoped that if I was there for one person, it would have been worth it. And, I told myself, that even if I didn't, we were here for Jake's talk, anyway. During the rest of the meeting, I was content to just let it be what it was. Jake, being the multi-tasker, had found a tweet while the meeting was still taking place- from a member of the congregation that mentioned they were grateful for my talk and that it helped them feel strong and loved. My heart about burst. If I was just there for them, I'd be content. I'm glad that my experience could bolster someone else.

Later, the stake president got up, and thanked me for having the courage to share my trials. Okay, I guess I might have touched a couple people.

After the meeting was over, and the closing prayer was said, I stood up and turned to the choir behind me. I made the motion of clapping hands for all in the choir who could see me. (The choir was pretty amazing. A special shout out to the flutists. I used to play the flute... but I was never as good as you were. AWESOME MUSIC.) When I turned back around, there was a bunch of people there- wanting to talk to... me?

Apparently, my talk resonated with more people than I thought. Several people told me they also struggled with bipolar, or anxiety, or depression. Several more didn't tell me any specific trial- they just said that my talk was for them. I tried telling as many of them as I could that they are loved- that they can accomplish great things- that God trusts them. I hope they went away feeling believed in. I was also presented with a few opportunities that I've kind of been hoping/waiting for. I will wait for them to actually come to pass before I share them with you. I'm so glad I followed that initial prompting to talk specifically about my trials- and the lessons that accompanied them, even though I doubted myself along the way.

Thank you #AlpineYSA for the love and friendship you offered to me. I hope I can return the favor. In all honesty, I'd be honored to be your friend and a support for you. Feel free to find me on Facebook.

Project #1

Before I get on to the real post, here’s a quick update on my losing weight: I haven’t lost a single pound. It’s been three weeks, and I haven’t lost a single pound. However, I have noticed that I feel different, and I might be losing inches around my waist. I don’t know this for sure because I didn’t measure my waist in the beginning, but that will now change. My waist is 44 inches big- as of now. My hips are 45 inches, and my butt is 48 inches… yes, I’m a box. My thighs are 27 inches near the top. My real workout routine starts this week- since school will be in session. I will be dropping my son off, then going straight to the gym to do their classes. I still plan on doing Zumba on Wednesday nights, although they might be changing the time.

Oh, yeah! And I’ve also started collecting healthier recipes- including salad recipes. I plan on having salads for most of my lunches. So far, my favorite recipe is from Zupas. They have a salad called “Nuts About Berries”. (Holy smokes- so good.) It was this salad that convinced me I could actually eat more salads and enjoy them. I will be trying their “Summer Chicken Salad” for dinner with my family this week. Obviously, it won’t be as good because I’m not using their housemade dressing, but I’m hoping it will be okay anyway. If you have any salad recipes that you really like, please share them… I’m really trying to be healthy, but I don’t want to give up taste and eat blah healthy food. I want tasty healthy food. There’s gotta be some good recipes out there.

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Okay, now on to the real blog- which is more pictures than words, but I hope you don’t mind. I mentioned in my last post that a bipolar diagnosis does not make an entire human being. There are many parts to a person- a bipolar diagnosis is just a part of who I am. I wanted to share an example of another area of my life that has little to do with having bipolar. I am a crafter, and I recently created something for my kids that I want to share.

My son came to me a couple weeks ago and showed me that he has his first loose tooth, and though I had started this project a few months ago, this motivated me to finish it. Forgive the pictures- I am not a photographer.

It’s called a “Tooth Fairy Pillow”. You hang it from the child’s bedpost, or even around the doorknob. On the front is a picture of a tooth (I put a smiley face on it just for fun). I used star-shaped beads to attach the ribbons to each side. And on the back, there’s a pocket sewn into it for the trading of the tooth and money. I added some fringe and other fun trim to add the finishing touches. I found a bunch of different ideas for it on pinterest, and eventually just created my own pattern. Isn’t it fun?!?!

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I acknowledge that I may be a little elevated lately- this project may be a result of that energy. Since I started my exercise plan, I have felt greater pressure to get more things done and organized in my life. I have created a list of projects that I want to have done. (I enjoy my lists.) I don’t think I’m to the level of hypomania, yet, but I need to just make myself aware of my ‘all or nothing’ thinking. It is good to want to get things done and to organize my life. It is not good for me to allow these projects to control me and do them all at the same time, which is kind of force of habit for me. While in this slightly elevated state, I have to remind myself to make sure I do my meditations, stay in routine, and make sure I pay attention to my kids first. Otherwise, I may escalate into a hypomanic state. Even though I may be productive and feel good, it is not healthy as it may cause emotional harm to those around me as well as propel me into a deeper depression after the episode is over.

Sometimes, reminding myself in writing makes my mood status more of a reality and keeps me in check.

Welcome to the Community

One week ago Sunday, my husband and I presented at a ward fireside. Even though my part was short, the Bishop of said ward read a short bio that my husband had written. In that bio, my blog was mentioned, stating that I am an advocate for those with mental illness.

After the fireside was over, a beautiful sister approached me to make sure that she had the correct information so she could send her cousin to my blog. She said that her cousin was just recently diagnosed bipolar and might need some of the support and advocacy that I offer here. I was thrilled. One of my goals in life is to be able to help others. I know bipolar can be a difficult diagnosis to accept, so I like to reach out to others as much as I can.

So, in coming home, I looked at my blog and I realized that although there are some entries that discuss my bipolar experience, some may not immediately see my blog as advocacy for those with mental illness. I was a little concerned about this at first, but later realized that this is a good thing.

First, it’s good because that means my management strategies are working. I’m not as consumed with the knowledge that I’m bipolar. My medication has taken affect. Other management techniques like keeping a routine, doing meditations, getting enough sleep, etc are doing what they should to keep my mood swings more even.

Secondly, and I say this specifically to those who have just been diagnosed, or still haven’t found the right combination of techniques to work for you; It’s important to realize that bipolar isn’t everything- it’s not life. When I was just diagnosed bipolar, and even up until last year, bipolar seemed to take over everything. I was hyper aware of everything I was doing, every pain I was causing. For the first while- yes, bipolar seems overwhelming. But it’s not the end of the world. Management is possible- I am living proof… and eventually, bipolar will take a back seat, and you can allow your life to be more balanced. There are more things that make up who you are- that keep you unique.

 

Take me, for example, I’m a daughter of a Heavenly Father- God. I know he knows me and understands me- even during a crazy episode (and I know the same is true for you). I’m a wife. I’m a mother of a 6-year-old and 20-month-old twin girls. I’m a homemaker. I’m a crafter. I exercise now- and that’s making a difference in how I carry myself (many bipolar websites talk about the importance that regular exercise has on your management plan). I have goals and plans for the future. These are some of the things that make up who I am- not bipolar. Bipolar is just a guideline. It has affect on your decisions, but it’s not everything.

You can do this; whatever your current struggle. I know it sucks at first, and you may frequently feel unworthy or imperfect, but you have support and love. If you don’t at home, contact me- I can be your support. I love you- even if I don’t know you. I understand pain. I understand hurt, depression, anger, etc. I believe whole heartedly that there is a plan for each individual; both spiritually and for your management strategies. Life can be loved again. Bipolar can take a back seat. Believe me- you can do this.

Odds and Ends

Okay- here’s a quick summary of my week:

I did well as far as last week’s declaration is concerned. I went to the gym twice and did Zumba again with my friends. I also exercised a little this evening at home- even though it was only for 20 minutes. I took a conditioning class at BYU, and if my memory serves me correctly, I need cardio at least 3 times a week for at least 30 minutes in order to lose weight. 20 minutes 3 times a week will help you maintain your weight. I know strength training is really good for weight loss, too, but I can’t remember the specifics.

Anyway, I did classes three times this week. Two were Zumba (one at Gold’s Gym, the other with my friends at a local studio), and one was kick boxing, and boy did that kick my butt! It’s been a while…

I also did the calorie counting this week, and other than Friday (date night, so I didn’t exercise- AND we had a dessert), I did pretty good. Week one- check. Week two- here I come.

I’ve been pretty stable lately as far as bipolar goes. Unfortunately, I got hit with a short hypomanic episode this week. It started in the middle of the night. I love sleep. But, I had to use the bathroom at three o’clock in the morning. Once I tried to come back to bed: BAM! I was wide awake. The next day was spent being incredibly impatient that my kids weren’t going as fast as me, and having a million project ideas running through my head: all with the deadline of two weeks (when school starts again).

Luckily, I kept with my routine- which is super important for bipolar management. I went to bed when I usually do (even though I had a couple nights where I had to go to the other room so at least my husband could sleep even if I couldn’t). I did my meditations at the same time. I took my medications (not negotiable). And the episode has sort of slipped away. I’m so grateful that I have the tools that I do to help me minimize the damage that can be caused by a hypomanic, or a depressive state.

Well, that’s it for today, folks. Thanks for reading!

Body Image and Motivation

That’s it! I’ve had it!

No more pretending that I’m okay. I’m NOT okay. I’m sick of it. This week, it all came crumbling down around me.

You see, I have these friends who have been trying to get me to go to a Zumba class with them for a while. I finally decided to go last week. It should be fun to dance again, I thought. I've done Zumba before and loved it. And just to be out with friends is a good idea for me.

Now, you all know that I have body image issues- I have written about it before- trying to turn my attitude around by focusing on the things that I like about myself. This is not about that. It’s about the sheer need to get in shape.

Once I got to the studio, I felt a little out of place. It’s been so long since I’ve danced, and even longer since I’ve had a social life, I just felt awkward. But, I was determined to get back in the groove- literally and figuratively, so I stayed. The class was held at  a dance studio, so it wasn’t uncommon for an entire wall to be nothing but mirrors. I was a little surprised at my reaction. Once everyone showed up, I couldn’t help but notice how I towered over everyone there (not totally unexpected since I’m a tall person… I’m kind of used to being the tall girl in the class). Unfortunately, I also noticed how much fatter I was than everyone else there. I also noticed how awkwardly I moved since I was so out of shape. I was a giant- a clumsy giant.

I felt so disgusted and embarrassed at what I saw before me, that I asked one of my friends to please stand in front of me so I couldn’t see myself. I could still see my head towering over hers, but I worked really hard to just use this as motivation to work harder instead of giving up- as I’m sure giving up would just make me more depressed.

I obsessed about this for a few days. I hadn’t seen my full body at one time in years. I hid from pictures. And we have no full-length mirror at our house. I was already embarrassed by my body just because of what the scale told me.

I grew up an extremely skinny girl. I didn’t even hit 100 lbs till I was a junior in high school. Some kids got teased for being fat- I got teased for being skinny. Others thought I was anorexic (No- I never was anorexic, or bulimic)- THAT’S how skinny I was. I was also- more often than not- a dancer. I started when I was three years old, and continued off and on through college, where I received my bachelor’s in Dance from BYU. This constant body activity, and my naturally high metabolism taught me that I could eat anything I wanted, and there would be no consequences.

Then I had kids.

Now, my body can’t lose any baby weight. I’m almost at 200 lbs, and I’m confused, embarrassed, angry, and disgusted. I’ve lost the dancer in me- and so I feel that I’m also in mourning for her. I used to (not out loud, but in my head) give others a really hard time for not losing the weight they were always complaining about. So, now I’m punishing myself for that, too.

Here are a couple pictures of me now. One: a headshot taken as I’m writing this blog. You may not see anything wrong with it, but I see the beginnings of a double chin, rounder than I used to be. Two: a full body side view shot in my swimsuit. I have a better, more obvious shot of me in a sports bra and shorts, but I was a little too embarrassed to post that one. You can sort of see my belly sticking out and my horrible posture. I’m just not even. My belly is my worst trouble spot.

After obsessing for a few days, I talked it over with my husband. I’m done. No more excuses.

We got me a gym membership.

 

And a calorie counter app for my phone.

I’m a little nervous about the eating part. As I understand it, I should have about 1,200 calories per day, and an hour of exercise in order to lose weight. I’ve never had to mess with my eating before, but I think I’m going to have to in order to have any affect.

I’ve already figured out when to fit the gym into my schedule. If I don’t do it every day, I think I’ll slack off…. But I can’t. So, I’m going every day after I drop my son off at school. Besides, I can’t slack off anymore: I have a goal now.

Next year, Jake and I are celebrating our ten-year anniversary. I told him we need to go somewhere, just the two of us. Even though we haven’t decided where that trip will be yet, my goal is to lose 50 lbs before February. That means I need to lose about 8 pounds a month- which I know is totally doable.

I know that my primary goal right now is to lose the weight, but I have two underlying motivators as well. First of all, I’d like to know that if anyone needed a dance teacher, I could be a viable candidate. Secondly, all of the bipolar websites I’ve been to recommend a regular exercise routine for maintenance management.

So, there you have it. Sorry, it’s another rant about my horrible body image, but this time, I’m doing something about it. I’ll report back every now and then about my progress. And you know what? Maybe you can come on this weight loss journey with me. It’s more fun- and more motivating- with friends.

Lessons from Yellowstone

I may have come up with a new system where I will be writing once a week, provided it works. I know most bloggers write several times a week if not every day. This will at least be a steady entry.

I recently went on a road trip to Yellowstone National Park. My parents invited us to stay with them at Island Park Resort. (Thanks, Mom and Dad!) My husband couldn’t come, but I thought it was a good opportunity to give my kids some well-deserved experience and memories. And since my parents would be with us, I would have some help with the kids, especially the twins. My son has always been a good traveler- never complaining. The girls, however, are a little less patient, so having my parents to help was a necessity.

Not long ago, I made the decision to take the kids to (or through) all 50 states. I recognize that circumstances may not allow for this because who knows what the future holds- but, I believe that goals can get you beyond your original intent. I heard a saying once: If you shoot for the moon, at least you’ll land among the stars. I want to give the kids something to look forward to and learn from. I also believe that traveling can broaden one’s perspective; not only of the world, but of oneself. I’ve done a bit of traveling and am pleased with my growing understanding of myself and my own little world.

Anyway, this trip was the first to really test me. I had been on overnight trips, but this trip was a full week away from home, away from routine. It was interesting to see my stress levels rising leading up to the trip. I didn’t want to forget anything- especially when it came to my girls’ comfort. I wanted this trip to go as smoothly as possible. Luckily, I didn’t forget anything. Unfortunately, though, by the time we got there, my high stress had turned into high irritability levels.

Now, I don’t understand exactly how it works, but with Bipolar, there’s depression, hypomania, mania, and mixed episodes. In addition to these are anxiety and irritability. Some who struggle with bipolar are also diagnosed with anxiety issues. I don’t worry so much about anxiety, but irritability can be a large problem with me. I used to think it was linked to mania, but I have since noticed I can be just as irritable when I’m depressed. So, I think irritability is just it’s own issue.

For the first couple of days, I took all my irritability out on my son. I’d snap at him for no reason, and had no patience for his questions. Once I recognized what I was doing, I apologized to him, and reminded him (We’ve had this conversation numerous times) that it wasn’t his fault, and I would try to do better.

In order to resolve getting so irritable and impatient with everyone, I needed to resume somewhat of a routine, and remember to do my daily meditations. At home, I would always do my meditations when my girls were down for a nap. Unfortunately, that was not always possible with our activities at the resort (We only spent two days at Yellowstone Park, and the rest at the resort). But I made a big enough deal about it to my mom, that she offered to take the girls out to play while I did my meditation if I couldn’t while they were sleeping. It was a huge help. I was smart in my hyper-planning because I remembered to bring a yoga DVD. My son and I did a yoga routine every night that week. That helped us have some form of routine, as well as keeping me calm and centered.

I don’t think I was manic, but I was more elevated than usual… I stayed this way for most of the trip. The day before we were to come home, I felt depressed; not terribly depressed, just a little depressed. I recognized all the signs: energy levels were down, lack of desire to do anything, etc. I voiced my status, like I would at home. I was pleased that I had recognized the signs of depression, which is not something I’m always on top of, but I accepted it, and took the necessary steps to cope.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into this, but my big mood swings, and even my little mood swings, are something I have to take very seriously. I chart my moods every night and am advised to “take my vitals” many times throughout the day. Since my moods can change rapidly, I need to be aware at all times where I lay on the spectrum so I can make the necessary changes. If I don’t pay attention to my behavior and my emotions, they can very quickly get out of control. I’d much rather constantly make small adjustments than rarely make big changes.

Another small thing that I realized in coming home from this trip is my tendency to favor the “all-or-nothing” kind of thinking: if I’m not doing everything, I must be doing nothing. I saw my kids blossom during this trip, and felt it was from the lack of tv and abundance of activities. Doing anything with the kids by myself really wears me out, but I look forward to the fall when I can take the kids outside more often. My son will be going to first grade (ah!!!), so he’ll be gone all day. I can focus my efforts on the girls, and have started a project that will hopefully keep us all occupied.

All in all, it was a very successful trip. Jonas saw the paint pots, elk, bison, and old faithful. The girls broke out of their shell a little more- and not only started babbling more, developed a love for the song “Let It Go”. And I learned how to fairly quickly get my irritability levels under control, and how to conduct a more balanced lifestyle.

A Good Start

I have mentioned in the past that routine is helpful for one with bipolar. My routine has been going through a change. First of all, it's summer, so now I have my son with me all day as well. Also, my twins have gone from having two naps a day to just one nap a day. This is the main reason I haven't been writing in this blog. I usually used one of their naps as my writing time... and now I don't have that time. I'm only writing now because my husband is gone for the evening, and I need someone to "talk to".

Apparently, when I was writing regularly, my moods were much more stable and upbeat. I hope to find a more consistent time to write for this reason. Lately, I have been having what are called "mixed episodes". I go through both the highs and the lows in one day. I haven't felt neither really happy or really sad.... wait- that's a lie. I haven't felt really happy (fine, but not ecstatic)- but I have had some lows. These lows have mostly been tied to my weight. I hate my body. I know better than to say that, but that's probably why it hurts so much- it's true.

One of the changes in my routine has been my exercise. I had started a new exercise regime because I am sick and tired of my weight. I was so thin growing up- I mean REALLY thin. I didn't reach 100 pounds till I was a junior in high school. It looked worse than it was, too, because I'm tall. I'm 5'8". People teased me all the time about being anorexic (which I'm sure did a lot for my self-esteem). I wasn't- I never had any issues with that- I just was abnormally thin by nature. But once I had kids, my metabolism and body type changed. So, I started DDP yoga. And it was working- I started losing inches. Then, I had one week that threw off my schedule- and I gained everything back, plus 10 pounds. When I realized that, I lost it. It takes so much hard work to get anywhere- make one mistake, and you're back to square one.

Yeah- I know you all have the right solution to my problem. I always am looking for the "easy fix". But I know better. Exercise regularly. Eat right. De-stress (which I may need some help with). I'm starting DDP yoga again on Monday. I did get somewhere with that- so I'm hoping my body will remember losing the weight once I start back up.

I think I'm putting extra pressure on myself lately, too. My husband and I will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary in January, and soon thereafter, going somewhere to celebrate just the two of us. We haven't decided 100% on where we want to go, but it would be nice to feel attractive for him. (He says it's not an issue- and he's attracted to me right now... but I need it for me- because I feel ugly and run down these days.)

I'm hoping that in writing these things down, I will let the venting clear my head and let me think and feel better about myself. I know that feeling attractive is more of a mindset than of an appearance. Over the course of my life, I have let magazines and movies dictate what "sexy" and "attractive" are. They still heavily influence how I feel about myself. I don't really know how to change that, but I do know a trick that helps me begin to feel better about myself.

It is a good idea to be healthy. Exercise is good. Eating healthily is good. But the point of it should be to help me feel good- not so much to make me look like those supermodels I see in the magazines, or all those skinny movie stars. Then, instead of focusing on the things I don't like about myself (for me, my belly and the beginnings of my double chin), I need to focus on the things I do like about myself. For example, I love my eyes- the color, the shape. I like my hands- how my dancers training has given me very elegant hands, and how the bump on my right middle finger tells how I wrote countless stories when I was young. My smile- genuine. My legs- longer than my husband's legs, and he is taller than me. My feet- fairly small for how tall I am; I also like my dancer's point.

You know what else I like about myself? I'm adaptable. It showed really well in my dancing- I could learn new dancing styles easier than many others- I was told I have a Chinese soul when I was learning Chinese dancing techniques because I could adapt to their aesthetic. I planned on going to graduate school, but kids came first, so now I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm also creative. I'm always finding new projects to do. Right now, I'm creating some tooth fairy pillows from scratch. I'm also working on some Christmas advent calendars, and some rods to hang my necklaces from. I'm a romantic. I love the smell of books, and traveling to a new culture. I believe in the power of listening and being real with someone. I also believe in the power of being vulnerable.

This is a good start for me... focus on the good- on the outside AND the inside. I'm for sure far from perfect- and that kills me sometimes- being the perfectionist that I am- but I'm a good and interesting person. I deserve to treat myself right.

A Day in the Mind of the Depressed

I knew it would catch up to me. The newness of writing a blog has worn off, so now I have to work three times as hard to think of a subject, write it down in a coherent way, and publish it.

It doesn’t help, either, that I’ve started a depressive episode. This may be because I’ve changed medication, which always screws with your cycle. Or, maybe it’s just my cycle. I’ve been told that depressive episodes are more common in the Springtime- weird- you’d think it would be the other way around, but last Spring was when I was hospitalized, and this Spring just seems to be following the pattern.

I thought I’d talk a little about the thought patterns of a depressed person. I can tell I’m not THAT depressed yet because I’m still able to do simple things like get up in the morning and have a shower and brush my teeth. These things become incredibly difficult for the very depressed. I’m hoping I won’t get that depressed because I am still on Lithium, and working with other medications, too.

Unfortunately, there are things happening, and thoughts passing that still verify my depressed state. Let me tell you a little about what my brain thinks about during these times.

First of all, everything requires so much more energy than it normally would. Getting lunch for my 6 year old is hard- changing diapers is almost impossible. I still get irritated at little things. Hearing the constant crying from my 15 month olds makes me scream. And boy, I really wish it didn’t.

The biggest thing about depression is our distorted thinking. We have constant negative thoughts that seem to spiral out of control. What I’ve been thinking about lately is the length of time I have to deal with bipolar. This is a lifelong disorder. There is no cure- even with the best medications. And I can’t help but get jealous and full of hate when I think of all you people who get to just enjoy your lives and do whatever they want- with an occasional trial. While here I am, cursed with a constant annoyance that screws with my life choices and messes with everyone close to me. It’s not fair! Yes, I know that sounds juvenile- but it’s how I feel. Why did I get to be so cursed? What did I do wrong to deserve this? All the time? No breaks?

And then I start thinking about everyone around me. No wonder I don’t have any friends that want to hang out with me. And my poor, poor family. What a burden I am on their lives- they’ve done nothing to deserve my problems, either. They didn’t choose this. (I had already been married to my husband for 5 or 6 years when I was diagnosed- bless his heart for sticking around- but I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to leave.) I have frequent conversations with my 6 year old, trying to explain to him that when I yell at him, it’s not his fault, it’s just mommy’s brain being stupid again. I start to feel that I’m totally screwing up his life.

Then, I feel so bad about the things that I do and say that hurt everyone, including myself, that I start down the path of suicide. It doesn’t start with “I’m going to kill myself”. It starts smaller “My family would be better off without me”, “I wish I could just disappear”, “Maybe my family should just leave”, “Maybe I should run away”. The scary part is when these thoughts are the ones that make the most sense in my life. I still try, and for the most part, do okay, at reasoning with myself. “don’t take a mother away from your children- they need a mother, however flawed”, “Your husband has told you many times that he loves you no matter what struggles you have to suffer”, “leaving your family won’t solve the problem, it’ll only create more pain”.

I know all my thought patterns are distorted, so just telling me that it’s wrong thinking won’t help. In fact, telling me I’m wrong just adds to the feelings of hopelessness. I start feeling disconnected from everyone and everything. I find no pleasure in doing my crafting or listening to music or taking a bath, so there’s not even a temporary escape from the feelings of depression, other than sleep, so I end up sleeping a lot when depressed. I can bring myself down a little from the mania, but I don’t know how I can bring myself up from the depression.

I know deep down in my head and in my heart that depression will pass, but I never know how long it will take. (However long will seem like forever, anyway.) It’s just a matter of endurance, and grasping onto whatever help I can find. If you come across someone who is depressed, don’t try to fix it. Just love us. Talk to us. Just be there. Maybe when the depression passes, we’ll be able to thank you properly for being there.

Family

Oops. It's been a whole week without a post- I apologize.

And I was thinking; maybe I should start from the beginning and tell you everything about me in order instead of jumping around from idea to idea. I'm sure there will be tidbits of me left out that I'll go back to, but overall, I'd like to take you on the journey of me.

I was born in Tacoma, Washington in May 1981. My parents didn't have insurance at the time, so my parents didn't stay at the hospital very long. I think I needed to stay a bit longer because I had low blood sugar and was a bit of a preemie. My mom tells me she was very worried about leaving me there and didn't think she would sleep well... but come on, she just gave birth- she slept like a baby. I joke around sometimes in saying that these were my roots to having an independent spirit. I just revisited the hospital where I was born a couple years ago, thanks to some of my husband's friends who lived close. That's all I really know about when I was born.

When I was brought home, my older sister immediately accepted me as part of the family. No jealousy issues with her- and there never were. We were completely opposites in our personalities, and sometimes that took it's toll on our relationship, but she always took care of me- even when I didn't want her to. I remember one incident when I was in about 3rd grade or so, and my older sister was left in charge of all us kids. We got in a fight, as was routine for us, and I started throwing some clothes into a suitcase because I was going to run away. I offered to take my little sister along, but she was too scared and didn't know what to do. My older sister was blocking the door, so I opened the window and pushed out the screen. Next thing I knew I was marching down the street- not knowing what was going to come next, and scared out of my mind. My older sister came running after me. She had every right to just let me go- I wasn't very nice to her. But she persuaded me to come home. I was so grateful she did because I didn't know what I was going to do. Our relationship continued like this- volatile at times, always opposite, but always coming back to how much she really cared. Still- to this day.

One of my earliest memories was when I was about 4. I had my older sister and my younger sister. My mom sat all of us girls around her to tell us she was going to have another baby, and she asked if we wanted a girl or a boy. Both my sisters answered immediately that they wanted another girl. I waited, took a minute to think, and said that I wanted a boy- I wanted a brother. I got my brother, and from the very beginning felt responsible for him. After all, it was because of my wish that he was here (such is the thought process of a very young child), so it was up to me to look out for him. I probably could have done a better job during his teenage years, but I guess I got too involved in my own life. I still feel a connection to him, though- even though he's grown up, married, and has a child of his own.

My little sister and I were close. We had a lot more in common than anyone else in the family. We both liked to dance, and go to Young Women's activities at our church. We both had The Little Mermaid memorized word for word. I think she was a bit quieter than me- I was definitely the loudest in my family. But we were always writing notes to each other about how we admired each other and cared for each other. We did some musical theater together, and some marching band, more on those to come.

My relationship with my parents was an interesting one. My mom was perfect, so she couldn't do anything wrong. My dad, however, was a different story. I was very sensitive and took everything personally (which is still an issue I have to frequently work through), and my dad was very sarcastic. Those two traits did not mesh together very well, so growing up, I never had a good relationship with my dad.

It is interesting to see how relationships can change, and how they stay the same over many years. My older sister still watches out for me in amazing and intimate ways. I have learned to appreciate our differences, and find our unique similarities. My brother and I have drifted apart. Maybe the years of growing up with 4 moms took its toll on him, and he just wants to be left alone. My little sister and I aren't as close as we used to be, but we still get together frequently to hang out. I have written before of my ah-ha moment in discovering my mom's imperfections, but I am grateful to finally see her humanity- I believe it makes her more real. And I've also been able to see my dad as a real human being. I recognize the value in his perspectives, and even turn to him for advice at times. I think my family still sees me as the loud one, and expects me to be the over the top dramatic child that I used to be. Unfortunately, I see myself differently. I feel I have grown up in a lot of ways.

I'm not going to say I had the best family in all of creation, because I don't want to oversell it. My family is not perfect- and I'm not going to pretend that they are- but that's not a bad thing. Some believe that it's either all or nothing: either the best family, or the worst. But this is not the case. I find a richer, more meaningful reality in the one that has both negatives and positives. Character is found in the struggles and imperfections of life. Being placed with
my imperfect family has helped make me the person I am today. Without them, I don't think I would have discovered my own ability to thrive, even under unfavorable circumstances.

Hospitalization

I think it’s time I tell you something about myself: I’ve been hospitalized in a neuropsychiatric hospital. This isn’t easy to say because I know there will be some who will

judge me for this, but I feel that some may benefit from my experience. So, I take a stand, asking in the meantime for your understanding and compassion, and maybe even empathy. This experience was fairly recent for me. Hospitalization requires a lot out of a person, and I’ve come to the conclusion that you get out of it what you put into it.

So, let me tell you the story. Back in May of 2013, I was beginning to question whether or not my medications were working, or whether I needed a dose adjustment. Up until this point, I was just using a family practitioner to find my bipolar medications. We had just moved 2 months earlier, and I needed to find a new doctor. My husband had visited a family practitioner in the area and really like her, so I resolved to go to her.

I was in her office and she asked what was going on. I told her the usual run-down, that I’m bipolar, I’ve been really tired, and feel that my medication is not doing as well as I would like, and could she please give me another prescription. Then, as an afterthought, I told her of some thoughts that I had been having. As I was saying them out loud, it became apparent how not okay these thoughts were, and that maybe I needed more help than I thought. I watched as my new doctor’s jaw sort of dropped to the floor. She explained to me that there was 1 of 3 categories I fell into. There were suicidal thoughts, suicidal plans, and suicidal intentions. Apparently, without realizing it, I was making suicidal plans. I honestly didn’t realize the seriousness of these thoughts until I was saying them out loud.

With much love and understanding, the doctor explained to me that in order to get me stabilized the quickest, I should probably go to UNI (University of Utah Neuropsychiatric Institute); and be hospitalized there. They would keep a close eye on me to assure that I stayed safe as they messed with my medications and found the right balance for me.

I immediately felt guilty for the thoughts that I was having, since they meant I was to leave my family for a while to become stable. I apologized countless times to my husband as I made arrangements to go. He also assured me I was doing the right thing- especially as this was the first he had heard of my thought processes- and though it meant a little extra work for him, he was glad to do it, as long as I worked to become well. I packed a small bag, that didn’t have anything sharp or long drawstrings, or anything else that could be used to hurt myself.

Going to a Neuropsychiatric Institute felt strange. It was a new experience for me, and I was scared. Mostly, I was scared about being judged. People made sure I knew it was a choice for me- that I would benefit from staying there, but that I didn’t have to. Ultimately, I chose to stay. I wanted to get better. I wanted to be the best mom I could be… and I couldn’t do that if I was wondering what it would feel like to overdose, or pass out from car fumes in the closed garage. Yes, these thoughts felt completely normal… and that’s what makes them dangerous.

They took my bag, and told me I could check certain items out for short periods of time. I really felt odd- like I really wasn’t bad enough to be there, but resolved to make the most of it, and work through my feelings of deep embarrassment.

The workers there were great. Everyone was really understanding- and even told us, the patients, that they admired us for the steps we were trying to take in becoming well. At first, I felt it was all an act- that it was something they had to do, but as I interacted with them, I saw the love in their faces. I was able to work on myself without feeling quite as embarrassed on top of everything else. Their compassion made the stay bearable, and even enjoyable at times.

There were units throughout the building. We were placed in units according to our needs. Our unit would get together every day to discuss daily goals, personal successes, and highlights of our day. We had schedules to work from. There were lots of different group therapy sessions going on throughout the day: art, music, pet, talk therapy, etc.

Each one of us would meet with our own team of professionals: Psychiatrist, psycologist, social worker, and sometimes students to work on goals to get us well. Though I didn’t meet any other team, I’m told I had the best psychiatrist- and I believe it. It was my psychiatrist who pinpointed what was really going on. Not only did she verify my diagnosis of having bipolar (my original diagnosis was by a family practitioner, not a psychiatrist), but she acknowledged my recent giving birth to twins. She said having bipolar can make you more susceptible to having other mental breakdowns, like post-partum depression, and that’s exactly what I was experiencing. She put me on the Lithium, explaining the long-standing success of Lithium on Bipolar, and started taking me slowly off the other medications I was using.

I was feeling a little better one day while I was there, and decided to do a cartwheel outside of the cafeteria. Bad idea. I landed wrong, and completely twisted my wrist. By the time I got back up to our unit, it was swollen and hurt pretty bad. The first question people started asking me was- “are you manic?” they really knew their stuff there at the hospital. They gave me a leave of absence to go get it x-rayed. It turns out it was just a sprain.

I worked every day to understand what I was going through, and to let the experience be a good one. This is another time in my life that I believe attitude changes everything. If I wasn’t willing to work, and looked down on the experience, I very much doubt I would have gotten better. It’s not all about the medication.

My team also started putting a plan into place for when I left the hospital. My social worker found me a psychiatrist and psychologist that I could visit after I left the hospital. My husband and I had requested she find a psychologist who was a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints- that I may share that basic belief system- and she did.

And all the time while I was at the hospital, my local Relief Society president took care of my family. She knew what was going on, but no one else did… and she kept it that way. I thank her for keeping it a secret. And I thank the members who brought dinners, and otherwise cared for my family for doing so without question. The world has some decent human beings in it- and many of them live in my ward.

I recognize that not everyone will share my experience. But, I believe that much of it has to do with your outlook. If you try to get something good out of a bad experience, you will. If you’re questioning whether or not to be hospitalized, I say give it a try. You never know what kinds of angels might be there to help rescue you, as there were for me. Good luck.

Another Check-In

Time for another check-in blog.

I have been going from doctor to doctor to figure out these symptoms I’ve been having: hot flashes, followed by chills, light-headedness, some dizziness. Finally, one doctor mentioned the time frame. Apparently, I’ve been having them just as long I’ve been taking Geodon. Duh! Why didn’t I see that connection? I looked it up, and found the common side effects of Geodon; light-headedness and dizziness were there, but nothing about the extreme temperature changes.

So, I finally talked to my pharmacist- I figured he might know something. It turns out less than 1% of people taking Geodon experience fevers and chills. Oh, yeah. Did I mention I’ve been running a low-grade fever for 4 months? Needless to say, I’ll be talking to my psychiatrist about changing this medication. Sad. Overall, it was keeping me pretty stable. The pharmacist did say there were other drugs a lot like Geodon that might be worth a try.

On a related note, I’ve been slacking on my maintenance management techniques. I haven’t done a meditation in about a week, and it’s really taking its toll on me. Yesterday, I totally snapped at my husband- out of nowhere- for no reason at all. Twice. It humbled me. I guess I can’t get too comfortable. I can’t let my guard down or the people I love suffer for it.

I wish I could just be okay. It sucks to have to constantly be aware of my inadequacies- but I guess that’s just not in the cards for my life. Those with diabetes need to constantly watch what they eat, and take their insulin… I’m slightly different, but the idea is the same. I need to constantly watch where my moods are, take my medication, and do my management techniques, or I get sick, and everyone else pays for it. That’s not fair to them. I’ve got to step it up.

The Quest for Happiness

This is a talk about happiness that I gave at church a few months ago. It is easy to see my efforts as finding a bunch of doctrine that could be used in the quest for happiness. But the thing is I actually believe it. I was in a pretty deep depression when I went on a personal quest to create happiness, and this is the list I came up with. If I could change anything, I would add one thing to the list, that after we have done everything we can to find happiness, and are still feeling unworthy and sad, we need to get help. The only reason I didn’t include it in this talk was because I taught a combined class about a month later- all focused on getting help to be happy. I truly believe these things can bring happiness closer to a person’s heart and mind. Though it’s not always possible to do it on our own, when done with a sincere purpose of heart, happiness comes closer to our grasp.

For a long time, I thought that happiness was our reward for enduring through this life. Get through it, and then you’ll be happy. But listen to what Joseph Smith taught:

“Happiness is the object and design of our existence.”

And the scriptures teach us that “men are that they might have joy”. Not men will be that they might have joy, but are- right now.

So, what if happiness isn’t just the end of our story? What if happiness becomes the means to the end? We are meant to be happy now- not just when the world is over and we’ve finally been perfected. Not just when we get that dream job, find our soul mate, and win the million dollar sweepstakes. Not when we have just one more child, or when we are finished raising our children. But now. In this life. Even this minute.

James E Faust introduced a very interesting concept about happiness. He suggested that happiness is not something to be consumed- it is something that we generate. Happiness is not acquired or attained; it’s created. We create our own happiness.

How is this accomplished? First of all, it requires work on our part. The church teaches that we need to be self-sufficient. We can’t rely on others to give us our happiness, even our own family members. Your husband or wife can’t give it to you. Nor are your parents responsible for your happiness. You must do everything you can first to ensure your OWN happiness.

The following are some tools that I have found helpful in achieving my own happiness.

1.    Be Optimistic

This is not the same thing as happiness. Optimism is action Optimism is a choice we make. It is something we do on purpose to see the best in every situation we are given.

It is not possible to be happy all the time. The scriptures teach there must be opposition in all things. So, the car will sometimes break down. We will have disagreements and sometimes lose our temper. Our health will sometimes fail us. There will be negative things going on in the world. There will also be times when we are sad for no apparent reason. The point of optimism, though, is to help us overcome the sometimes perpetual negativity that surrounds us.

President Gordon B Hinckley spoke of the power of optimism. He said “we are creatures of our thinking. We can talk ourselves into defeat, or we can talk ourselves into victory.”

One way we might help ourselves use optimism is keeping a gratitude journal. Gratitude and optimism are very similar- those with these attributes see the light and count their blessings. In practicing gratitude, we will see the blessings more naturally and easily, thus making us more optimistic.

There is something else I learned about optimism. It keeps us faithful. Patricia Holland stated that “Optimism (leads) to hope which (leads) to faith.” President Uchtdorf teaches that “Hope is made manifest in optimism.” So, as we continue to utilize optimism, the stronger our faith and hope become, resulting in an even greater capacity to be optimistic. It’s a cycle.

2.    Prayer

Don’t just say your prayers- really pray. Ask to be happy. Heavenly Father will always answer our prayers. He may not give it right away, or in the way we expect, but he will always give it. Maybe he wants to see you work a little harder for it, but in his time, he will always answer our prayers.

Even if He doesn’t give you happiness right away, your prayers will help you develop your relationship with Him, helping you realize His love for you, as well as your divine and royal identity.

President Uchtdorf taught: “The more we allow the love of God to govern our minds and emotions- the more we allow our love for Heavenly Father to swell within our hearts- the easier it is to love others with the pure love of Christ.” Which leads me to my next point:

3.    Service

This could mean really investing in your current calling. It could mean a major service project. It could mean simply lending an ear or giving words of encouragement. I have been the recipient of a lot of service over the years: watching my kids, helping me go grocery shopping or get to a doctors appointment, or just holding my babies during relief society or sacrament meeting so I can focus a little more on being spiritually fed. You know who you are. Thank you. Many of you have said that it’s nothing, but you really have no idea how much it means to the recipient.

I hope you have felt the joy of helping others. Lifting our neighbor lightens our own burdens. It helps us focus elsewhere rather than on ourselves. When we focus on our own trials, they are sometimes blown out of proportion, making them seem insurmountable. But, when we focus on others, our challenges are put into better perspective, and they seem a bit more manageable.

4.    Study the Words of the Prophets, Both Ancient and Modern

Both the scriptures and the words of the living prophets can invited the spirit into our lives. The uplift, inspire and teach us.

President Gordon B Hinckley was well known for his optimism and winning attitude. He reminded us to keep trying- to be believe and be happy. He said “In my ninety plus years, I have learned a secret I have learned that when good men and good women face challenges with optimism, things will always work out. Despite how difficult circumstances may look at the moment, those who have faith and move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out!”

5.    Follow the Commandments

We know that wickedness never was happiness. The commandments and guidelines of the Lord’s church are there to lead us to happiness. Remember the Joseph Smith quote from the beginning of this writing? Let me continue that same quote:

“Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God.”

In John 13:17, Christ teaches “If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them.” Sometimes, this seems overwhelming, and we mess up, but that is why we have:

6.    The Atonement

The atonement is central to the plan of happiness. Without it, the plan would cease to function. Christ suffered EVERYTHING. Unfortunately, we talk of it so frequently, and in such general terms, I wonder if we have forgotten its personal meaning. The atonement is there to help us improve ourselves and come closer to Christ. When we sin, we separate ourselves from the spirit, causing feelings of discomfort: pain, sorrow, guilt. However the atonement covers much more than sin. Christ suffered EVERYTHING.

He knows what it feels like to be a single parent. He has dealt with the emotions associated with same gender attraction. He knows how it felt to lose a parent to cancer, or a sibling to a drunk driver. He’s had depression. He’s been lonely, betrayed by a friend, and hated by many- more than once. He feels the pain of infertility. He knows the frustration of having a distant spouse. He knows what it feels like to have a mental illness.

He also knows the physical pain and discomfort: he’s felt his tonsils removed, every muscle torn, every disease known to man- plus more. He KNOWS us- the intimate dealings in our minds and in our hearts. He knows our intentions. We can turn to him to heal- whether it’s to heal from sin, or to heal from emotional hurt, or physical pain. He’s been there. He can help to make us whole- if we but turn to Him.

I know He is real. It's not just a nice story. Christ lives. He LOVES us, individually and collectively. He suffered for me- He suffered for you, and He wants to help us. I love Him with all my heart. That we may seek His guidance and His love is my prayer. In His name, even Jesus Christ, Amen.