Body Image and Motivation

That’s it! I’ve had it!

No more pretending that I’m okay. I’m NOT okay. I’m sick of it. This week, it all came crumbling down around me.

You see, I have these friends who have been trying to get me to go to a Zumba class with them for a while. I finally decided to go last week. It should be fun to dance again, I thought. I've done Zumba before and loved it. And just to be out with friends is a good idea for me.

Now, you all know that I have body image issues- I have written about it before- trying to turn my attitude around by focusing on the things that I like about myself. This is not about that. It’s about the sheer need to get in shape.

Once I got to the studio, I felt a little out of place. It’s been so long since I’ve danced, and even longer since I’ve had a social life, I just felt awkward. But, I was determined to get back in the groove- literally and figuratively, so I stayed. The class was held at  a dance studio, so it wasn’t uncommon for an entire wall to be nothing but mirrors. I was a little surprised at my reaction. Once everyone showed up, I couldn’t help but notice how I towered over everyone there (not totally unexpected since I’m a tall person… I’m kind of used to being the tall girl in the class). Unfortunately, I also noticed how much fatter I was than everyone else there. I also noticed how awkwardly I moved since I was so out of shape. I was a giant- a clumsy giant.

I felt so disgusted and embarrassed at what I saw before me, that I asked one of my friends to please stand in front of me so I couldn’t see myself. I could still see my head towering over hers, but I worked really hard to just use this as motivation to work harder instead of giving up- as I’m sure giving up would just make me more depressed.

I obsessed about this for a few days. I hadn’t seen my full body at one time in years. I hid from pictures. And we have no full-length mirror at our house. I was already embarrassed by my body just because of what the scale told me.

I grew up an extremely skinny girl. I didn’t even hit 100 lbs till I was a junior in high school. Some kids got teased for being fat- I got teased for being skinny. Others thought I was anorexic (No- I never was anorexic, or bulimic)- THAT’S how skinny I was. I was also- more often than not- a dancer. I started when I was three years old, and continued off and on through college, where I received my bachelor’s in Dance from BYU. This constant body activity, and my naturally high metabolism taught me that I could eat anything I wanted, and there would be no consequences.

Then I had kids.

Now, my body can’t lose any baby weight. I’m almost at 200 lbs, and I’m confused, embarrassed, angry, and disgusted. I’ve lost the dancer in me- and so I feel that I’m also in mourning for her. I used to (not out loud, but in my head) give others a really hard time for not losing the weight they were always complaining about. So, now I’m punishing myself for that, too.

Here are a couple pictures of me now. One: a headshot taken as I’m writing this blog. You may not see anything wrong with it, but I see the beginnings of a double chin, rounder than I used to be. Two: a full body side view shot in my swimsuit. I have a better, more obvious shot of me in a sports bra and shorts, but I was a little too embarrassed to post that one. You can sort of see my belly sticking out and my horrible posture. I’m just not even. My belly is my worst trouble spot.

After obsessing for a few days, I talked it over with my husband. I’m done. No more excuses.

We got me a gym membership.

 

And a calorie counter app for my phone.

I’m a little nervous about the eating part. As I understand it, I should have about 1,200 calories per day, and an hour of exercise in order to lose weight. I’ve never had to mess with my eating before, but I think I’m going to have to in order to have any affect.

I’ve already figured out when to fit the gym into my schedule. If I don’t do it every day, I think I’ll slack off…. But I can’t. So, I’m going every day after I drop my son off at school. Besides, I can’t slack off anymore: I have a goal now.

Next year, Jake and I are celebrating our ten-year anniversary. I told him we need to go somewhere, just the two of us. Even though we haven’t decided where that trip will be yet, my goal is to lose 50 lbs before February. That means I need to lose about 8 pounds a month- which I know is totally doable.

I know that my primary goal right now is to lose the weight, but I have two underlying motivators as well. First of all, I’d like to know that if anyone needed a dance teacher, I could be a viable candidate. Secondly, all of the bipolar websites I’ve been to recommend a regular exercise routine for maintenance management.

So, there you have it. Sorry, it’s another rant about my horrible body image, but this time, I’m doing something about it. I’ll report back every now and then about my progress. And you know what? Maybe you can come on this weight loss journey with me. It’s more fun- and more motivating- with friends.

Lessons from Yellowstone

I may have come up with a new system where I will be writing once a week, provided it works. I know most bloggers write several times a week if not every day. This will at least be a steady entry.

I recently went on a road trip to Yellowstone National Park. My parents invited us to stay with them at Island Park Resort. (Thanks, Mom and Dad!) My husband couldn’t come, but I thought it was a good opportunity to give my kids some well-deserved experience and memories. And since my parents would be with us, I would have some help with the kids, especially the twins. My son has always been a good traveler- never complaining. The girls, however, are a little less patient, so having my parents to help was a necessity.

Not long ago, I made the decision to take the kids to (or through) all 50 states. I recognize that circumstances may not allow for this because who knows what the future holds- but, I believe that goals can get you beyond your original intent. I heard a saying once: If you shoot for the moon, at least you’ll land among the stars. I want to give the kids something to look forward to and learn from. I also believe that traveling can broaden one’s perspective; not only of the world, but of oneself. I’ve done a bit of traveling and am pleased with my growing understanding of myself and my own little world.

Anyway, this trip was the first to really test me. I had been on overnight trips, but this trip was a full week away from home, away from routine. It was interesting to see my stress levels rising leading up to the trip. I didn’t want to forget anything- especially when it came to my girls’ comfort. I wanted this trip to go as smoothly as possible. Luckily, I didn’t forget anything. Unfortunately, though, by the time we got there, my high stress had turned into high irritability levels.

Now, I don’t understand exactly how it works, but with Bipolar, there’s depression, hypomania, mania, and mixed episodes. In addition to these are anxiety and irritability. Some who struggle with bipolar are also diagnosed with anxiety issues. I don’t worry so much about anxiety, but irritability can be a large problem with me. I used to think it was linked to mania, but I have since noticed I can be just as irritable when I’m depressed. So, I think irritability is just it’s own issue.

For the first couple of days, I took all my irritability out on my son. I’d snap at him for no reason, and had no patience for his questions. Once I recognized what I was doing, I apologized to him, and reminded him (We’ve had this conversation numerous times) that it wasn’t his fault, and I would try to do better.

In order to resolve getting so irritable and impatient with everyone, I needed to resume somewhat of a routine, and remember to do my daily meditations. At home, I would always do my meditations when my girls were down for a nap. Unfortunately, that was not always possible with our activities at the resort (We only spent two days at Yellowstone Park, and the rest at the resort). But I made a big enough deal about it to my mom, that she offered to take the girls out to play while I did my meditation if I couldn’t while they were sleeping. It was a huge help. I was smart in my hyper-planning because I remembered to bring a yoga DVD. My son and I did a yoga routine every night that week. That helped us have some form of routine, as well as keeping me calm and centered.

I don’t think I was manic, but I was more elevated than usual… I stayed this way for most of the trip. The day before we were to come home, I felt depressed; not terribly depressed, just a little depressed. I recognized all the signs: energy levels were down, lack of desire to do anything, etc. I voiced my status, like I would at home. I was pleased that I had recognized the signs of depression, which is not something I’m always on top of, but I accepted it, and took the necessary steps to cope.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into this, but my big mood swings, and even my little mood swings, are something I have to take very seriously. I chart my moods every night and am advised to “take my vitals” many times throughout the day. Since my moods can change rapidly, I need to be aware at all times where I lay on the spectrum so I can make the necessary changes. If I don’t pay attention to my behavior and my emotions, they can very quickly get out of control. I’d much rather constantly make small adjustments than rarely make big changes.

Another small thing that I realized in coming home from this trip is my tendency to favor the “all-or-nothing” kind of thinking: if I’m not doing everything, I must be doing nothing. I saw my kids blossom during this trip, and felt it was from the lack of tv and abundance of activities. Doing anything with the kids by myself really wears me out, but I look forward to the fall when I can take the kids outside more often. My son will be going to first grade (ah!!!), so he’ll be gone all day. I can focus my efforts on the girls, and have started a project that will hopefully keep us all occupied.

All in all, it was a very successful trip. Jonas saw the paint pots, elk, bison, and old faithful. The girls broke out of their shell a little more- and not only started babbling more, developed a love for the song “Let It Go”. And I learned how to fairly quickly get my irritability levels under control, and how to conduct a more balanced lifestyle.