I, along with my husband, were invited to speak at a Young Single Adult (YSA) stake conference that took place last night. I felt awkward and a little out of place because everyone was supposed to be talking about hastening the work and social media. I, however, was told to "follow the Spirit". I already had an idea of what the Lord wanted me to say- but with everyone else saying "everyone will be talking about hastening the work", and with me already feeling like a nobody, I basically felt that I shouldn't be there.
I knew where those feelings were coming from, so I tried to ignore them and focus on my testimony. My talk, after all, was only 5 minutes long. It would soon be forgotten. So, when it was my turn, I got up and said the following (some parts were a little different because I wanted to be real, and not just a bunch of words on the page. However, the second half was mostly read.):
About a month ago, I was sitting in Sunday School, and I was
struck with an overwhelming desire to share a certain experience and lesson
with the Young Single Adults. Not long after that, I was invited to speak with
you today. God certainly has a way of preparing us.
As you might have gathered from my bio, I have bipolar
disorder. It is a lifetime illness that first shows itself in late teens/early
twenties. It makes me a very emotional and sometimes, irrational person. Those
who struggle with this illness tend to be more susceptible to other similar
struggles. For example, many who struggle with bipolar also struggle with
generalized anxiety disorder. For me, I got a really bad case of post partum
depression. It hit just a few months after the twins were born. I felt alone,
sad, tired, mentally fractured, and guilty that I couldn’t fulfill my
responsibilities as a wife and mother. At one point, it was bad enough that I
was hospitalized at the University of Utah Neuropsychiatric Institute. Though
my stay at the hospital was only a week, my bout with depression lasted for
months, with no foreseeable light at the end of the tunnel. I became angry, And
I did what we’re not supposed to do: I started asking God why. Why me?
I wasn’t expecting an answer- because we’re not supposed to
be asking that question to begin with- but guess what? He answered. It was four simple words: “Because
I trust you”. At first this made no sense to me, I was confused.
Then, I realized what he meant- (Luke 1:37) “For with God,
nothing shall be impossible”. He didn’t just trust me to deal with a difficult
trial- he trusted that I would turn to Him to carry me through. He doesn’t
expect us to do by ourselves. But He does expect us to make that choice. Our
trials don’t just bring Him closer to us. Trials are His way of bringing us
closer to Him. God trusts us with our specific trials because He knows we can
do it. If we try to do it by ourselves, we may not last, and it will be too
hard- turning us into jaded, bitter human beings, but if we turn to Heavenly
Father, we will be unstoppable. It may still be hard, but you will have
omnipotent power to get you through it.
The timing of our trials is also a sign of God’s trust.
Elder Maxwell said it well when he stated “sometimes the best people… have the
worst experiences… because they are the most ready to learn.”
So, here’s another way of looking at it. God must think very
highly of you to have given you the trials that He has- to trust that you will
not only survive your trials, but thrive in them. Trials are just another way
of God saying “you are ready to be molded- to be refined”.
The atonement is real. It’s not just a nice story. And it’s
not just for sin. Its for every physical pain- every mental anguish- every
emotional upset. Take heart. Take courage and use it. God knows you. God loves
you. He trusts you- not in spite of your trials, but because of them. Of this I
testify, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
When I was finished, I wasn't sure if I reached anybody, and I continued to doubt myself. I just hoped that if I was there for one person, it would have been worth it. And, I told myself, that even if I didn't, we were here for Jake's talk, anyway. During the rest of the meeting, I was content to just let it be what it was. Jake, being the multi-tasker, had found a tweet while the meeting was still taking place- from a member of the congregation that mentioned they were grateful for my talk and that it helped them feel strong and loved. My heart about burst. If I was just there for them, I'd be content. I'm glad that my experience could bolster someone else.
Later, the stake president got up, and thanked me for having the courage to share my trials. Okay, I guess I might have touched a couple people.
After the meeting was over, and the closing prayer was said, I stood up and turned to the choir behind me. I made the motion of clapping hands for all in the choir who could see me. (The choir was pretty amazing. A special shout out to the flutists. I used to play the flute... but I was never as good as you were. AWESOME MUSIC.) When I turned back around, there was a bunch of people there- wanting to talk to... me?
Apparently, my talk resonated with more people than I thought. Several people told me they also struggled with bipolar, or anxiety, or depression. Several more didn't tell me any specific trial- they just said that my talk was for them. I tried telling as many of them as I could that they are loved- that they can accomplish great things- that God trusts them. I hope they went away feeling believed in. I was also presented with a few opportunities that I've kind of been hoping/waiting for. I will wait for them to actually come to pass before I share them with you. I'm so glad I followed that initial prompting to talk specifically about my trials- and the lessons that accompanied them, even though I doubted myself along the way.
Thank you #AlpineYSA for the love and friendship you offered to me. I hope I can return the favor. In all honesty, I'd be honored to be your friend and a support for you. Feel free to find me on Facebook.
There are a few that are more long term- like putting in a
copper backsplash (how delish is that?)- but I’m not including those in this
list. And I’m sure there are other short term projects that I’ve imagined and
obsessed about for a few hours that I’m just not thinking of right now… I keep
telling myself to write these projects down. The problem is that even if I
write it down, I forget where I put the notepad- so that doesn’t do me any good
Maybe if I use this as my notepad- I’ll actually remember to look back.