You Can't Silence Me

Nope. I won’t do it. I refuse to be silent- no matter what others may think.

The thing is- I have trouble with my thought processes sometimes. I have plenty of automatic thoughts that come into my mind to poison and derail my progression in dealing with bipolar. I recently had one of those thoughts, and instead of letting the thought win, I used it as a stepping stone. (which, in and of itself is a HUGE accomplishment for me.) The thought was this- “I wonder how many people think that when you talk about bipolar, you are asking for attention, or pity, or to say that your trials are bigger and harder than theirs.” That’s almost enough to make me shut up. Almost.

However, I took that thought as a challenge, and began to analyze myself. Why do I talk so openly about having bipolar? Somehow, I feel it’s important for me to do so- but why? I came up with three very distinct and powerful reasons that I should not be silent about this disorder- about my disorder.

The first reason started out very simply; because I was asked to. My Bishop requested (with no pressure) that I share bits and pieces of my story with others in our Sunday School class. He wanted people to feel more comfortable going to therapy if they needed to, and he felt if someone shared their experience with it, it might ease their worries. Eventually, this reason changed from because I was asked to because I wanted to. I want people to know they’re not alone. You are NOT doing this by yourself. You have support. There are doctors and family and friends- AND ME. Come see me- let me give you a hug and let you know you’re okay. Friend me on Facebook- let me give you some words of encouragement. The more people who understand you and can be in your corner makes the disorder more manageable.

The second reason why I talk about having Bipolar is to hopefully lessen the stigma that is still on mental illness. I know there’s still a stigma placed on mental illness because I fell victim to all of those misunderstandings as I grew up as well as when I was first diagnosed. I hated myself because having a mental illness, at that time, made me a second-class citizen. NOT THE CASE!

I mean, yes, I have some quirky things that I have to do in my life, but don’t we all? Doesn’t someone with diabetes have to test their blood sugar frequently? Doesn’t a mom have her own different routines with her children? And what about you? Do you have to go to bed by 9:00 to function? Do you have to have milk with your peanut butter sandwich because no other drink will do? Do you have to press snooze button exactly three times before you’ll get out of bed? And why is my routine any different than yours? Just because the things I do help me manage a mental illness doesn’t make me any less normal or worthy as a person

than you.

I am a normal person, and I can live a relatively normal life- YES- even with Bipolar. So, be careful with your attitude. It’s people who still believe the rotten stigma attached to mental illness that makes it that much more difficult for us to confide in people and find the help that we need. There’s nothing wrong with needing help. Everybody does. Learn to be a little more feeling and understanding. We’re trying to be good people and live good lives just like you.

And the last reason, I will admit, is purely selfish. Talking about Bipolar is therapeutic for me. The truth of the matter is, words are powerful- both spoken and written (ever wonder why I write a blog about Bipolar?)- and the use of which words we use can have a huge impact on our reality. For example, I have taken to saying “I HAVE Bipolar”, instead of saying “I AM Bipolar”. I refuse to let Bipolar run my personality and my life by being a part of my identity. I say “I HAVE Bipolar” because it makes it something that I control rather than something that controls me. Saying out loud that I have Bipolar does two things; it makes me remember that Bipolar is a part of my reality. But somehow, it lessens the otherwise omnipotent, untouchable power that bipolar has in my life. Like, instead of some sort of nebulous thing that encircles me wherever I go, talking about it makes Bipolar just a medical word that suggests certain management strategies to adopt into my life. That’s it- it’s just a word.

And I have successfully gone a year without a major episode. All because my attitude towards Bipolar has been “I am the one in charge. I can take this into my own hands. I refuse to let Bipolar win.” The road getting there sucks. It’s an uphill battle finding the right medication, and management tools that work for you and your family. BUT, IT’S DO-ABLE. It just takes work and a winning attitude.

IMPORTANT SIDENOTE: Not long ago, I got to personally thank a leader of my church, Elder Holland, for a talk that he gave that addressed some issues of mental illness. (Remind me to post that talk later. If you want to look it up now, it’s called “Like a Broken Vessel”- and can be found on lds.org.) I told him how much it had meant to me, and he said something that struck me. He said (and I’m paraphrasing), “I don’t know who decided that we can’t talk about this stuff.”

That should be the ultimate argument. There is nowhere that says we can’t talk about having bipolar, or anxiety, or depression, or any other mental illness- even, or especially in church settings. These trials are our reality. And if talking about it makes me feel better- then I’m going to do it, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.

Addendum

I forgot to add in this tidbit in my last post: I am in charge of making the ornaments. My husband is in charge of making the cards. 

Aren't they perfect? He took the picture himself- and the snowflakes on the card? So perfect.

My first craft tutorial

While I was (shamefully) not blogging, I was in a state of elevation- not mania, nor quite hypomania- all I wanted to do was work on various projects. Lots of projects. Honestly, I'd still be there, but my energy level has decreased dramatically... But that's a story for another day.

For the next few posts, I'd like to elaborate on some of these projects- mostly the ones I actually finished. I'll even teach you how I did them. Yay! Craft blog for a minute!

This first one is a project I do every year. We have decided that every Christmas as a family, we would make our cards, and a  Christmas tree ornament to give to our friends and family for Christmas. No plates of cookies from us (even though I still love getting those...)

In the past, we have done pillow hearts, Christmas trees made from fabric yo-yos, and felt poinsettias. This year was my husband's choice. We found a picture on Pinterest (yes, this is a Pinterest project) of snowflakes made from puzzle pieces. Jake really liked them, and I figured out how to do them.

First, gather supplies. You'll need card stock, glue (two kinds; craft glue and a hot glue gun), a puzzle with pieces that are shaped the same, white spray paint, and thin ribbon.

To start, cut a small circle out of card stock for a "base". Since I had to do 200 of these (we have a lot of friends and neighbors), I bought a paper punch to make the job go faster.

Once I had my circle, I took three of the puzzle pieces and glued them on to the circle- like the picture. For this step, I used the craft glue. The color of the puzzle pieces doesn't matter, since you will be painting over them. Allow that to dry.

Once dry, you "fill in the gaps" with another three puzzle pieces, still using the craft glue. Allow to dry.

Now, it's time to paint. I used krylon spray paint + primer glossy white. The primer is necessary for the paint to actually stick to the glossy surface of the puzzle. I had to use three coats to completely cover the glossiness. But what really gave it the perfect finish was a layer of krylon glitter spray. I used the "Diamond Dust" finish. Perfect- a slightly sparkling snowy texture. I don't think you can really see the finish on these pictures, but trust me- it made all the difference.

Now come the finishing touches. In all the pictures I saw, none had anything in the middle, but I thought a single rhinestone would add the perfect amount of bling to my snowflakes. Here, I used a hot glue gun. I couldn't decide on the size of the rhinestone, so I did some in the smaller size, and some with the slightly larger ones. I think I personally like the bigger ones better, but I think that's a personal preference.

Next, you need to cut the ribbons to size. You want to make sure they are big enough to hang the ornament on the tree. I chose ribbons with some silver metallic woven into it to tie in the bling and the sparkle. Glue one end down on an angle (I used the hot glue gun) so you can cross them in the back. You'll want to keep the ribbon straight as you wrap it around to the other side- you don't want it twisted. When both ends of the ribbon are glued down, take your hot glue gun and add a small dollop over where you crossed your ribbon. This will give it a bit more reinforcement. Here's what it looks like on the back of your ornament:

There! You're done! This is about what your ornament will look like:

More projects to come- hope you had fun. We'll do this again- except for probably not so many pictures. I wasn't quite as thorough with my documentation with other projects. 

Also- fun side note: this was the first blog I've done entirely from my phone. Cool, huh?

I'm back... maybe

I have been thinking a lot recently about writing another blog post. This last weekend gave me a reminder that people actually read this thing. If I don't do it for me (though it is a prescribed treatment for me), I should at least do it for all of you who follow me. Thank you, by the way, for your support.

There has been a lot happening lately. As is typical of those with bipolar, I have bounced from idea to idea, not sticking with any one in particular. The novelty of a blog had worn off, and my mind was dancing with new project ideas. I have been pretty elevated... and a little depressed.

Here's the thing: In Bipolar, there is clinical depression, situational depression, sad, "normal", elevation, hypomania, and mania. I'm not sure I've ever experienced full-blown mania. I have Bipolar type 2, which experiences hypomania much more frequently- which I for sure have experienced. However, once I found a treatment plan that has worked for me, hypomania has even become rare. I have also experienced normal (I think- what is normal, anyway?), sad/down, and depression- both situational and clinical.

As I have journeyed through all of these distinctions, I have hoped someone would define the line between each level. Unfortunately, they don't exist. Just like any other person who does NOT have bipolar, there are ups and downs. Each up and each down varies in its intensity. There is no line that says "yes, that was hypomania" or "yes, that was clinical depression", "you must have bipolar". This is one of the reasons why bipolar is so difficult to diagnose. There are characteristics of each level that help, but no definition of what is okay and what is not okay.We bipolars are way more comfortable with mania than with depression, and at least I have a tendency to let myself go a little more than I should. The problem with doing this is that the higher I allow myself to go, the lower and deeper my depression will end up being. So I really have to keep my elevation in check.

In talking about this with my therapist (who is a ROCK STAR, by the way), we have determined the best thing to do is find a level that I am comfortable with while still being in control.
One of my daily management therapy techniques is to "take my vitals" every day- I kind of gauge where I am on the emotion scale several times a day and make small necessary adjustments to avoid the large emotional swings. Will they still happen? Sometimes. But they aren't nearly as big or as difficult to manage.

I feel like I've kind of rambled and tangent-ed a little bit... but I guess it was bound to happen. Once I get my thoughts better organized, I'll let you know a bit about what I've been up to lately.