Time Out For Women, Part 2

I have returned, just like I said I would, to continue lessons I learned at Time Out For Women in November 2014. (I apologize for last week’s entry. I gave you quotes without telling you who said what. I have remedied that- you will find their names along with their quotes.) Here we go:

“Having the Holy Ghost is the greatest beauty secret.”

–Elaine Dalton

How many times a day do we, as women, criticize our bodies, or our hair, or even our inner “lack of talents”? I am guilty as charged. We tend to only see the negative and fail to see the amazing beauty we DO have. As Sister Dalton stated, the Holy Ghost gives us a certain look, a certain glow that can only ring through as true beauty. It may be hard to see in ourselves, but if we look at our friends, we can see those who truly seek after the spirit in their lives; they shine!

So maybe, instead of spending hours on our hair and makeup, we can steal a few more minutes to do things that help us feel and recognize the spirit; things like reading and studying the scriptures, listen to the hymns, say our personal prayers and acknowledge God in our lives. These are the things that will make us stand out to others.

“YOU are the mom of your kids-

do YOU things with them.

Don’t try to be any other mom.”

–Elaine Dalton

Sister Dalton used the example of a Pinterest mom. You know, the kind that copies the really cool projects they see on Pinterest- and they do it well? And the rest of us just kind of look at pinterest longingly, but the projects we attempt kind of flop? I have to admit, I’ve gone both ways. I have done successful Pinterest projects, and I have had utter failures. Either way, I spend a lot of my time wishing I were that perfect mom- the one that can through birthday parties with party favors and themed games, cake, and other treats…

But I’m not meant to be a Pinterest mom. I need to be authentic with my kids. So what do I do? I do yoga with my son and have mini dance parties with my girls in the living room. That’s who I am- those things are authentically me. My kids need ME for ME. I was chosen to be their mother- and that means there is something I have that no other mother can give them. So, why keep trying to be somebody else? What kind of parent are you? Giving them YOU is the best thing you can do for your kids.

“As you see yourself,

Your daughters will see themselves.”

 –Camille (I didn’t catch her last name)

I kind of paraphrased this quote, but this is what she was trying to say. Our kids learn from our example. Even if we tell them how beautiful they are, they will still learn from us how to treat ourselves. If I’m constantly badgering myself because I don’t live up to society’s ridiculous physical expectations of a modern woman, my girls will pick up on that and “understand” that’s how we’re supposed to treat ourselves.

Well, I don’t know about you and your daughters, but my girls deserve SO much better than that. And if they’re going to learn how to treat themselves by watching me- I have to do better at showing them how to be kind by being kind to myself. It is not an easy task when you’re not used to doing it- but my girls are worth it. I purposefully make sure I tell my girls when I feel pretty, or my hair looks awesome today, or I feel strong today- as well as telling them they’re beautiful and strong and kind. So, I’m not only teaching my girls to love themselves, I’m teaching me how to love me. Trust me- life is much nicer when I see the good in myself.

“You’re NOT broken. Look inside-

YOU have a powerful soul.”

–Kris Belcher

As one with Bipolar disorder, it is common to think and feel that I’m broken or unworthy of (fill in the blank)- that I’m not whole. So, when I heard this thought and the spirit confirmed its truth about me, I was thrilled. I didn’t fully believe it- and there are still times that this thought of being broken comes back to haunt me… are there trials? Yes. But that doesn’t mean I’m damaged goods- Quite the opposite. As I’ve learned how to manage this disorder, I’ve also learned a great deal of patience, of compassion, of strength. You might even say that through this disorder, I have become more powerful than I was before I was diagnosed, as well as before the onset of my symptoms. We are more powerful than we know.

Time Out For Women, Part 1

On April 8^th, I wrote an entry about finally being able to accept myself, my body, and my current role in life. I presented it as a quick change of mind and heart. This is not accurate. Though that experience was the kick in the butt I needed to finally accept me for me, there were many things leading up to that point; things that, I believe, were slowly making that change. Isn’t that the way the Lord works, after all? Line upon line? Precept upon precept?

One of the major steps in finding my new perspective was found in my attending “Time Out for Women” in November. “For over 10 years, Time Out for Women has been inviting faithful women to step away from the daily routine and make space for themselves and their spiritual lives. What started as an inspirational weekend event full of music, cheering, presenters, friends, and laughter has grown into a worldwide community of like-minded women seeking good. Whether they connect through TOFW.com or at a local event, TOFW women are choosing to be uplifted, reenergized, educated, entertained, and inspired with thousands of women all over the world.” (tofw.com)

I’d like to share some of the thoughts that hit home with me- that helped me take the next few steps in accepting myself and my divine destiny. There were several AMAZING people, mostly sisters, who presented on various topics. I will share the thoughts in presenter order, and share my reaction to each of the thoughts. I probably won’t finish sharing all my notes in this one blog, so I will write another blog on the same topic.

“Find contentment in the

season you are in.”

(Thought given by Sandra- unfortunately, I didn't write down her last name.) At the time, I was looking at a person in the mirror I didn’t know. I was trying to look like I did in college. I was trying to have more work experience. Even as a stay-at-home mom, I am sometimes able to get freelance work as a choreographer and dance teacher. I hadn’t worked for a while, and I was dwelling on that fact. Somehow, this made me less of a person. As I have turned the corner, I see myself as I am now: A slightly overweight mother of three with graying hair (YES!!! SO excited about this), who has been given a different calling. I see it now- and I’m good with it.

“The gifts that we have been

given can be used to

counteract our trials.”

(Sheri Dew) What an interesting thought! In Bipolar, and I imagine many other trials, it is easy to dwell on the negative things. And we have to put up a fight to get through those trials. Each of us have been given specific trials- and each of us have been given specific gifts. I imagine each trial is like being locked in a room. These gifts act as keys to open the doors and windows and let in a little air.

Specific example? Bipolar is one of my life-long trials. I have been able to use a gift of expression to help me cope. I have had several years of performing experience- dance, theatre, and music to help me not be afraid of speaking/performing in front of others. As such, I have found opportunities to share my trials- again, helping myself cope, but also helping others realize they are not alone. This has been a huge blessing for me. I also have this blog- though started simply as a type of journal writing to help me cope- has turned into so much more.

Quick thinking: What are your trials? Now, what are your gifts? How can you use those gifts to help you counteract your trials?

“We are custom made

to fill unique parts.”

(Elaine Dalton) The hardest part is recognizing and accepting what that part may be. If I were to choose a role for myself, I would be teaching dance fulltime in a school somewhere. That’s about it. Though there is absolutely nothing wrong with this calling (Yes- teaching IS a calling- you have to be a pretty amazing person to choose this sort of lifestyle), it would have been very incompatible with a Bipolar diagnosis- especially at the beginning.

No- I recognize that my focus right now is managing me/bipolar and taking care of my family.  And though its only in small parts, I have been given the opportunity to reach out to others who may suffer from the same problems I do. This is unique, and I am humbled that God sees fit that I do this.

“You’re daughters of God-

You are not alone.”

(Elaine Dalton) Daughter: I don’t think Heavenly Father takes that word very lightly. We are His children. He knows us. He loves us. Individually. Uniquely.

It is hard when you’re depressed to feel the Spirit. It is among the hardest when you feel that you have been abandoned by heaven. I know. I’ve been there. Even when I didn’t feel it- I used every ounce of strength to trust that I had felt it before, and that I would feel it again.  What gave me the most strength was the knowledge and testimony I had that Heavenly Father had sent Jesus Christ. He is my Savior, and that He knew and knows EXACTLY what I go through because He went through it, too. We are never alone. He will ALWAYS be there, if we allow him to.

THIS- THIS is the root of feeling better about myself: Who I am to God. If you matter that much to Him- to send his son to suffer just like you are- you must be pretty important.

To Be Continued...

The Woman in the Mirror

For a long time, I've looked in the mirror and have been confused at what I see. I frequently ask myself: Who is she? I used to know her, but I hardly recognize myself anymore. That is, until recently...

It all started with a visit to my therapist. I see my therapist every 2 weeks (3 if she's out of town), and honestly- it makes SO much of a difference. She opens my eyes and helps me see things from a different perspective. She helps me release built-up tension or anger, and somehow, my irritability levels (something that can run rampant in someone with bipolar) remain much lower when I see her regularly. It's nice because she is also a Mormon, so we are able to share spiritual growth as well as my growth in dealing with bipolar. She's a bit of a miracle worker.

During one of our more recent discussions, I told her about an experience I had right before our visit. My husband and I attended a funeral. Jake knew most of the people there, but many of them were new to me. Throughout the day, and even afterwards, I received many compliments. One in particular struck me. This compliment was something deeper than your normal compliment. It took me by surprise, especially since this person and I hadn't spoken that much at the funeral. I told my therapist, and exclaimed that it was nice because "...I don't get to hear that very much..."

My therapist stopped me and said "that's a lie"- or something equally as unexpected. She then went on to tell me all of these other experiences that I have had and told her about. All of these experiences, she said, are important because they speak not of your looks or something superficial, but of your eternal character. Then, she asked me a question: "How many times do you have to hear these things until you accept that this is who you are?"

We continued on this path of conversation until it was time for me to go home. This question stuck with me: "How many times until you accept that this is who you are?" I felt repentant... almost as if it were God himself asking me this question. I cried the whole way home.

Because I had felt so sorry to God for not accepting the roles in my life that He has given me, I tried to hang on to that question and those feelings. I had already been working on trying to accept myself and my lots in life, but somehow, this was the turning point for me. I pondered on this question for a few days- and somehow, my burden lifted. Somehow, I was able to accept me for me- and not because I had made any outward changes. My weight was/is still higher than it "should" be. My kids are still loud and needy. I don't have that dream job... or any job. I don't sleep well. I don't enjoy cooking- even though I'd like to. I don't have enough energy during the day. The list goes on.



BUT, I was able to accept my mom's body. (As a dancer, I've been pretty critical of my weight.) I don't think I'm ugly anymore. I can accept my body how it is now. For the longest time, I didn't recognize who I saw in the mirror. I think mostly because I was trying to look like how I did in college. For the first time in years, I saw me how I am now, and it made me HAPPY!!! I actually got pretty excited the other day because I'm starting to see white hairs coming in. WHITE HAIRS!!! I'm not excited because it "shows I have experience"-- no... I'm excited because white hair/gray hair/silver hair is BEAUTIFUL!!! And I can be glad for my age. God has given me one life- one body- and I plan on celebrating it.

In addition to accepting how I look now, I have also accepted the role I am to play. I was able to accept being a stay-at-home mom. Again, for years, I was looking for any opportunity to go out and get a job. Any financial crisis we were in at any given time, my solution was to go get a job. My husband stuck to his guns, though, and insisted the best caregiver we could have for our kids was their mother. I am not without my flaws in this area, but I have finally accepted and am excited to be here for my kids. I have also been given ample oppurtunity - including the use of this blog - to reach out to others who may be also struggling with bipolar or any other mental illness. I am not afraid to speak about it openly and honestly; hopefully connecting with others who may feel lonely or afraid. There is hope. You are not alone. You CAN learn to manage it, though it may be a rough path getting there.

I am in a good place. There is some realistic worry that my feelings of euphoria are coming from a place of mania rather than a place that can last, so I'm trying to hold onto it as long as possible. Even so, I feel I am finally looking forward in my life instead of dwelling on the past. There are, of course, still many things I need to improve on. BUT, I'm grateful for where I am, for WHO I am. The key to discovering our true identity is to stop looking in the mirror, and start looking up. I am a daughter of God. I have a divine destiny and purpose. He will be my guide.

That Time I was on a Magazine Cover

You know that scene from the end of Monsters Inc? The one where Mike sees his first ever magazine appearance?

Yeah... that was me. Only mine is a little less "hide my face", and a little more "where's waldo?"

                

Can you find me? Cool, right? Yeah... It's the back cover of the April 2015 Ensign from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. My husband wrote  a bit of our family story, and the Ensign really wanted it, so here it is. Click here to read our story.

I just want to add a little of my thoughts and feelings, as well as some details of the story that didn't make it into the Ensign. Life throws us curve balls. It rarely works out the way we want or plan. But the thing is, God knows everything. He understands everything. He sees better than we do, and He knows what we need and how we learn. He allows hard things to happen sometimes so that we can prove to ourselves that we need and want Him in our lives. Here's the perfect illustration for what I'm talking about:

Now, here's a little into the mind of me as we faced this detour in our lives. When we were told that we wouldn't be able to have more children, I was heart-broken. I desperately wanted more children... at least one more- a girl. I wanted a girl. I'd be happy with either, but I wanted a girl. After the initial mourning the thought of not having more children, Jake and I started playing with the idea of trying adoption or IVF (even though they said we had less than a 10% chance of that working). One night, I was in the bedroom folding laundry or making the bed or something, and Jake came upstairs. He was eager to tell me something. Not long before this, Jake had been called as the Elder's Quorum President in our ward. That evening, he told me that he was preparing for this calling by reading the oath and covenant of the priesthood in Doctrine and Covenants 84:33. As he read "unto a renewing of the body", he got a little choked up. He looked at me and said he was overcome by the Spirit and felt that, for him, if he fulfilled his new calling well, his body would literally be renewed and he would be able to give me that which I desired most. We both broke down and cried as we realized the reality of this promise.

We still had to wait a while. The doctors wanted to make sure the chemo was out of Jake's systems before trying to have more children. They warned us about miscarriages and birth defects that were highly likely because of the chemo. I held on desperately to my boy. He was my strength, and my reassurance that if I was not to have more children, at least I had him. We were still playing with the idea of adoption at the time. It was during the October general conference, during President Packer's talk, that I had a distinct feeling that we needed to try to have our own- to get pregnant again. It was overwhelming. I expressed these feelings with Jake. We still weren't convinced of the timing. That is, until the following April conference. This time, the feeling came to Jake, and he approached me- saying it was time to try.

We decided to ask Jake's dad for blessings as we began this new process, that we would have peace regardless of the outcome, and that my body in particular would be receptive. As he lay his hands on my head and began to speak, I did feel that peace, but then I almost lost it when he said I was to have children and that they were female and excited to come to me as their mother. Jake's dad told me he tried not to say those things, but when the spirit tells you, you obey.

I had some other weird things going on with my body at the time, and decided that I should clear it up, whatever it was, with the gynecologist. I told her the things that were happening, and she told me to pee in a cup, just the same, to rule our pregnancy. She came back and told me I was pregnant. WHAT?!?! I was confused and thrilled all at the same time- it had only been a couple weeks. For the next few weeks, I got super sick, and everyone started joking with me that it was twins. I laughed along with them, until I was told they were right. I realize that the blessing said children... but I didn't realize He meant all at once. Then, I cried- of a little fear, and a lot of love. With no fertility treatments, my body accepted two babies. To make it even more amazing: I carried them to week 37- and they were both born over 6 pounds. They truly are my miracle babies.

I had to learn a few things during this phase of our lives. But one thing remained the same: God is there. He loves me. He loves my family. He wants us to succeed. That will never change. We will be blessed according to our faith and according to His plan for us individually and as families. I am so blessed to have my wonderful, patient husband, and my very different, but equally talented and beautiful children. They are my miracles.