And then there are those who just get hit with trial after trial- and BIG ones, too.
BOOM- your husband has cancer.
BOOM- you can't have any more children.
BOOM- did I mention you have Bipolar 2?
BOOM- Post-Partum Depression is very real.
BOOM- did I also mention suicidal thoughts/planning?
BOOM- you have no house- live with your in-laws (which in and of itself was fine, but then....)
BOOM- goodbye father-in-law
BOOM- take care of your mother-in-law who has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia and depression including suicidal thoughts and planning, help her deal with grief of losing her husband, as well as losing her mental capacities, give her her medications, make sure she eats, get her to all her doctors appointments to get a sure diagnosis to know how to help her, all the while being ignored for any thoughts you might have about her care, yelled at for being a bad (fill-in-the-blank), and being hated by others every step of the way.
BOOM- remember- you have bipolar and have to raise your own family at the same time.
And there's not many people you can talk to about it... So no. You keep it to yourself, Michelle. Nobody really cares about you or what you're going through. They don't know how hard it's been, and why should they go out of their way to understand? They're too busy with their picture perfect lives to reach out and support. You're meant to do this alone. Maybe someday you'll understand why.
In the meantime, all I can do is pray... But even He seems far away: my Lord, my Lord- why hast thou forsaken us? We are doing everything you are asking of us- the least you can do is remind us you are still there and aware of us. I plead with you to let me take my little family and disappear somewhere- where I may teach my children respect and compassion and be free of such trials for a season.
But even in this plea, I ere. Many trials will come and go in their time, but I know I will never be completely free of the demons of Bipolar. No one will ever, despite their best intentions, understand what it is like to be or to feel in my head. It will follow me till the day I die. Then maybe I can know what it's like to deal with things "normally". Maybe then, I can look back on these trials and see how "easy" they would be if I weren't so screwed up- so flawed. Maybe that's why nobody cares- cuz to a "normal" brain, these would be easy? Maybe with a "normal brain", I could handle them instead of trying to develop a harder shell or crying so much because something cut too deep or I didn't know if I could handle another day- literally.
I guess I just feel too much- that's what happens with bipolar. It's very rare that I feel "normally"- I get more excited about good things....and I get hurt too easily at the bad things. Every day is a fight for me to react "normally"- to try to be like everyone else... Unfortunately, it seems that even in my efforts to appear like the picture perfect, I am destined to always suffer- whatever the trial.
