Trials and a Memory

Let me tell you about the last couple of weeks. Jake had sudden severe pain that took us to the Emergency Room. Turns out he had a kidney stone (I have never seen him in so much pain). They did a ct scan to make sure the whole stone had been taken care of. And though they didn't find any remnant of the stone in the scan, they DID find a tumor in his heart. At first, they thought it was benign, but now they are not so sure. He is doing several tests on his heart to see what it is, and how to treat it.

I had a doctor appt this week, and was also diagnosed with something bigger (I don't really want to share what it is... for some reason, I'm quite embarrassed about it). But let's just say both Jake's and my issues may require major surgery.

Then, two nights ago, the toilet overflowed. By itself, it's not a big problem, but this house is 40 years old, and the caulking around the toilet and the tub has all but disappeared. All that water went through the floor and through the entire ceiling of our kitchen eat in area. We had guys out here to assess the problem (thank goodness for insurance), and while they were here, a big chunk of the ceiling fell on their heads. Awful how such a small thing can turn into such an expensive disaster.

My girls have developed a medical condition that they can't get into the doctor for- for a month. All my mental health medications were canceled because I didn't update my information soon enough, and now that's a fight... and I'm writing all this to you at three o'clock in the morning because I forgot to take my trazadone last night and I literally can't stay asleep without it.

We're all mostly keeping a good attitude about all this, but every now and then (like 3AM), it just seems like too much. It's hard to not think I didn't do something to deserve all this. I mean, I know I didn't... but goodness, isn't Bipolar enough? I've already been cursed with a few disorders that keep me from living a normal life... that keeps my family from living a normal life. Why so many big issues? God's trying to find my breaking point, I think.

I'm reminded of a time when Bipolar was particularly difficult- as it was combined with Post Partum Depression. It was around the time I was admitted to the hospital for suicidal planning. I remember asking "why me?". Whether I said it in an actual prayer, or just nebulously, I don't remember; but I do remember getting a distinct answer in my mind and heart that was clearly not from me. The answer was "Because I trust you". It took me off guard, because I wasn't actually expecting an answer. After thinking about it, I realized that I have been given my particular difficulties because God trusted I would turn to him for support, and together, we would get through whatever came my way.

I need to remember that now. In my hour of stress and struggle, I am not alone. I can do this. One step at a time. I know I can do hard things... I just may have to cry a few times throughout the process.

ADD Meltdowns

 I've been thinking about my issue with afternoon dips in mood swings, and I wondered why it was so bad with me. I mean, I think most human beings have a dip in energy levels every mid-afternoon, making work or any activity a little more difficult in the afternoon... but why does it have to be that much more difficult for one with a mood disorder?

I started doing a little research and found a few things that kept repeating themselves.

"Hypomania in the morning means Depression in the afternoon"- which might be what's going on. After all, I have for sure felt depressed during several afternoons. However, I don't think I've been as high as Hypomania in the morning. Elevated, maybe. Hypomanic, no. Though sometimes, it's really hard to tell the difference between elevated and hypomanic.

"ADD meltdowns"- this compared ADD meltdowns to those regular human dip in energy levels, and they were very similar. Apparently, it has to do with circadian rhythms dipping during certain times- one of them being between 1-3 in the afternoon. 

Come to think of it- that's really a pattern by itself when one has ADD. I've been noticing it a lot with myself and every conversation. I just don't last long, My attention dips, and I end up not listening to the person I'm talking with. Things start going in one ear and mixing with all the chaos I normally have in my head... to the point where it's so much, I start getting agitated. I find excuses to run away from conversations... I mean, if it stops sounding like a human being talking to me, and just turns to mushy chaos in my brain... I understand why I want to disappear. AND that makes much more sense why my ADD brain can't handle much more than till 2 in the afternoon before it starts breaking up into a "meltdown" that lasts through the evening.

There were a few more words that were used in conjunction with Afternoon dips and ADD meltdowns that I'm hoping with give me a better handle on it: A management strategy or two. Here's the list:

Move the body

Stay Nourished

Stay hydrated (this is what happens when your brain becomes a bit dehydrated- emotions are housed in your brain)

Have a snack with Protein in it: I will pull a list together for the facebook page for those interested. 

Take some downtime to try to pull yourself together (maybe a nap?)

Play with these suggestions. I will do the same. If you find any more information regarding ADD meltdowns or how to manage them, please let me know in the comments. I'm still new to ADD knowledge.

Self-Evaluation

I've been noticing a pattern in my moods lately. I'm great in the morning. Not hypomanic great, but good, stable, functional, and can see the day clearly in the morning. By about 2 in the afternoon, I start dipping, and by the evening, I'm either in tears, or I'm angry. The bulk of either reaction is sent in the direction of my husband. Poor guy has to endure so much crap from my emotional difficulties.

No matter how much I can get done in the morning... or even in the afternoon... I'm left at the end of the day feeling like I wanted. I feel left out of that feeling of accomplishment- even if I did accomplish things. I feel disappointed in myself for not doing more, or not staying happy.  I'm usually pretty good about recognizing my mood differences and giving myself a break... but when it's happening every single day, it gets pretty tiresome.

As a matter of fact, the past two days have changed slightly... and I'm just tired ALL the time. Seriously, Sunday I was so tired that I slept 13 hours during the night and still had two 2 hour naps... went to bed again at 8 and slept for 13 hours again.

I've heard the explanation that oversleeping can cause fatigue... but I don't think that's what's happening. I think professionals use that explanation for normal human beings who don't have tiring issues. My period exhausts me... depression wants to "check me out" or the normal world. The best way to do that is to make me sleep or so tired I'm not able to handle anything.

I've just been in contact with my psychiatrist about these two patterns- which have been the main daily patterns since he took away my Vyvanse for ADD. I have not had the reaction he wanted on stimulants for ADD, since it sets off my Bipolar hypomania. So for now, I don't get more drugs for ADD. To address the new patterns, he thinks that upping my dose of Lexapro would be a good place to start. My Lithium is perfectly in the range it should be, so he doesn't want to mess with that. Just addressing one thing at a time.

He also recommended I go back to therapy for the depression. I stopped going to therapy when COVID-19 broke out. I thought I was doing okay, but when BOTH my psychiatrist AND my husband think I should go back, I guess I should listen.

I've always been an advocate for talk therapy. But I thought I was in a place where I didn't need it anymore. I think there is still a stigma on therapy- even for a seasoned client like me. I always get to the point where I'm just saying the same thing at every visit, and feel the therapist gets sick of me. I'm sure that's just some distorted thinking on my part. So, I'm now stuck on the decision of going back to my last therapist (super nice, did extra research just to understand my background better), or find a fresh set of thoughts and eyes to help give me a new perspective on things. 

I'm stuck. I don't know yet what to do.

And in the meantime, I'm stuck with this awful pattern of being extra tired and hating either myself or the world by the end of every. single. day.