Stigma

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about stigma- what it means, what it entails, how it feels, and how it has changed for me over the course of my journey. Stigma, by a definition found in a google dictionary, means “a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.” The definition then specifically sites “the stigma of mental disorder”. How very fitting. Of all things to be an example of stigma, mental disorder is it.

So, why is there a mark of disgrace? My guess is that years ago, when mental disorders were being discovered, people were scared of it, just like people are scared of it now, and the stigma is perpetuated. If something is wrong with your brain, you must be (fill-in-the-blank).

That’s how I felt when I was first diagnosed. I thought I learned what it meant to have a mental disorder- that I was a screw-up, that I was eternally flawed, that I wasn’t the perfect girl with the perfect life that I thought I was. Just because a new title was placed on me, I was suddenly unworthy of everything; of people’s love and people’s time. I used to be perfect, but now I learned differently. And being the perfectionist that I was- this was unacceptable news.

I went into hiding. I shut myself up- not physically as much as emotionally. I let the stigma control who I was, and what I did. I was just as scared of it as everyone else seemed to be. If I wasn’t the person I thought I was, who was I supposed to be? What did this label mean for me?

I’m not sure when the change happened because now, I feel differently about the label, the title, the stigma. Somehow, I was able to make the change from being defined by a word, to taking control of who I am and what I do. Mental illness, disease, disorder, manic-depressive, bipolar, crazy, quirky; these are all just words. How I allow myself to feel about these words can have a great affect on my reaction if I let it. These are just words- and I’m not about to let words have more power over me than I have power over myself.

Stigma is more about personal attitude and choice than it is about the label itself. I can choose to let the words get to me, and affect how I feel about myself. Or I can choose to let the words wash over me. They’re just words, after all. The most important thing in managing bipolar is my attitude towards the disorder. I call it what it is- I can use a number of words to describe it, but it’s my attitude that changes how I feel. Where many might take offense, I don’t. I have chosen to see it for what it is, not what others might think or be scared of it. It’s just a difference in how my brain functions. That’s all.