The Storm Inside of Me

Many people don’t understand what it’s like to be bipolar. And why would they? They live normal lives where they don’t need to worry about mental illness. SO, let me take you on a simplistic journey. One way to understand bipolar is to just watch the movie, Frozen. I know that it’s just a movie, but it had a deeply profound impact on me as it relates to my being bipolar. Understanding the character, Elsa, is to understand- on a very basic level- what it’s like to be bipolar. I was not prepared for the level of understanding a Disney movie would have on my feelings. I think Elsa was mentally ill- like me.

Let me take you through the similarities between Elsa, and Bipolar. Elsa is born with a power. This power gets stronger the older Elsa gets, and as a result, she shuts herself up- keeping herself isolated from anyone who would get close to her. She’s told her whole life to not have feelings, as those can exacerbate the problems her powers can create. She hides herself not only to keep others safe from her, but to keep people from knowing she has this power.

Bipolar is something you’re born with. It’s a genetic disorder that you may or may not get if you have a parent with bipolar disorder. It doesn’t usually manifest itself till late teens, early twenties, but the predisposition is still there. I have read that even though you don’t know if you are bipolar till your twenties, there are still evidences present: more moody than average, more creative, and outgoing at other times. I don’t know how true this is, but my parents would tell you that this was the case with me. I was always creative, always a little more on the dramatic side.

Back to my comparison. Though its hard to always agree with this; bipolar can be considered a power. Many companies will in fact hire people because they’re bipolar, or more specifically- manic. When I’m manic, I might as well be a walking creation machine. Mania produces great creative minds. Genius (I don’t know how “genius” my ideas really are, but I do feel that way at the time) ideas come in bulk. I am very productive when I’m manic. I get lots of things done.

The down side of mania is that I can be mean. I get really irritable and frustrated that no one else is thinking as quickly as me, and I take it out on the people that are closest to me. I can also spend money like crazy and can cause serious hurt there. So, many times, I isolate myself just like Elsa does in the movie. I know I can cause hurt, so I keep to myself- fighting with myself to keep it under control. The problem comes when I indulge too much in mania. When I do, that usually means my depression is that much worse, so I have to be careful. This is why I have to tell myself the same thing that Elsa did. “Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.” Not having feelings seems like the best way to get over bipolar, however impossible this task is. It seems that to manage it, I need to pretend feelings don’t exist. That way, I can’t hurt anyone.

It’s difficult because a great deal of the time, you’re going against what feels right. Elsa has a joyous song in the movie called “Let it Go”, where she lets herself do whatever feels right at the time. She says “It’s time to see what I can do- to test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I’m free.” I wish I knew what that felt like. But I cause too much hurt- too much damage when I’m careless like that, so I must go against my instincts. I imagine this is what it feels like to stop smoking. You feel that what you need right now is a cigarette, but you have to go against that feeling in order to make any progress in your goal. Going against your instinct really sucks, but you have to trust that making that decision will be the best thing for you and for those you’re closest to. It really sucks.

When I feel manic, I want to get something done, my brain is going a million miles a minute, and I just want to create a new project, or deep clean the whole house. That’s not a bad thing, right? Well, it is if it’s mania telling me to do it, so I have to watch for other signs. Are my thoughts coming super fast? Am I fidgety? Am I getting irritated at other people for not understanding why I want to repaint the kitchen, or put in a backsplash, or make a family command center? Is there a sense of urgency that I have to do these things right now? If I answer yes to one or many of these questions, chances are I’m manic. If I am manic, I must chose to sit and do nothing, or at least work on slower activities rather than conquer the world. That way, I won’t hurt so many people, and my depression won’t be so bad.

I haven’t even discussed depression yet. Sometimes, depression comes quickly, sometimes it’s few and far between, but it always comes, and it’s all you can do to not sleep all day. I have yet to find anything positive in depression except for the fact that it gives my body time to recover from all the mania. I feel about the dance between mania and depression (and mixed episodes) much the same way that Elsa does. In learning that she had set off an eternal winter in her kingdom, she says, “no escaping the storm inside of me”. There is no escape. There will always be manias, and there will always be depressions, and that makes me feel a little hopeless.

Through all of this struggling between mania and depression- feeling a bit like a freak because I can’t be normal no matter how hard I try- I lock myself up just as Elsa did. I get embarrassed when I can’t control the “storm” inside of me, so I keep to myself and don’t talk to people. I don’t like this part. I used to (before knowing I was bipolar) be so outgoing and open with people, but now, I’m just embarrassed. I’m trying to talk to people about my bipolar, but they don’t always care to understand- and I don’t blame them, but I have to try. The more I talk about it, the more it makes sense to me, and I can be more accepting of being this way.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel; one thing that keeps me going, even when I feel like I can’t. SPOILER ALERT! In the movie, Elsa finally learns that the key to controlling her power is love. When she makes this connection, it’s almost an instant resolution.

I just finished reading a book called “An Unquiet Mind” by Kay Redfield Jamison. Though it wasn’t her original intent, she showed me through her own experience with bipolar that love is what pulls us through. She spoke mostly of the love she felt in her romantic relationships, but I see that it can be even more than romance. My relationship with my husband is key- yes. But, so is my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and Savior Jesus Christ. This love is renewing, and empowering. Because they love me, I understand that I am worth loving even with all my flaws, and life’s worth living. Because I love them, I’m given a reason to keep trying – to manage bipolar to the best of my ability. It gives me motivation to stay alive and to find the positive in a life of turmoil. Love. It keeps me humble when I’m manic and keeps me treading above water when I’m depressed. Love is an incredibly powerful thing. Without it, none of this would be worth it. But it is.

So, there you have it: a glimpse into the world of the bipolar. It is not the same experience for everyone who has manic-depressive, but it is this way for me.