I have terrible habit of apologizing for everything. My
daughter has followed my example and apologizes for really sad things. Like if
she trips- she apologizes. It makes me sad because I know it’s because of my
example. So, I’m going to practice not apologizing for things. I’m not going to
apologize for not writing in my blog all summer. Do I feel bad? Kind of. But
not because of you. This blog has been a tool for me to vent, and also keep my
brain somewhat organized. I feel bad because I haven’t let it be those things for
me this summer. I’ve slacked off on my bipolar management. AND- This blog has
been only one of several management tools that I’ve slacked on over the summer.
I had every intention this summer to keep a routine.
Routine, as you may know, is very important in my Bipolar management. I had
every good intention to follow said routine. I even typed it up. It had gym
time, chore time, reading/writing time, and free time. It even had time carved
out for lessons: martial arts- which my son just started this summer and LOVES
it- and swimming. We were even going to have every Wednesday be “Spanish Day”,
so that my son wouldn’t lose any of the Spanish he learned in school last year.
He’s doing a dual immersion program at his elementary school.
But my good intentions went down the drain as life happened.
The biggest distraction for me has been the decision we made to sell our house.
We’re still looking for buyers.
Instead of going to the gym, or even do the chores, I chose
to try to clear out some things. We’ll most likely have to downsize… so clearing out as much
as possible will be important in this process. So- there went the exercise
(also EXTREMELY important in Bipolar management). Sidenote: I don’t think
anything gets to replace exercise. If I’m doing something physical, it can be in addition to exercise- not in place of exercise, for future
reference. I can say this in confidence, too, because I have gained all the
weight back that I had lost… maybe even plus some. I am back up to over 200
pounds, and I’m quite depressed about it.
And then I lost my meditation time. I think the main culprit
for this change is that my girls have stopped taking naps. I would always put
the girls down for a nap, and use that time to calm down my brain with
meditations. I’ve noticed that for me, doing meditations are the key to keeping
my irritability levels down. So, now that meditations are much less frequent
(instead of every day, its only on weekends, if then), I have been a much more
irritable/angry person. I’ve tried really hard, but if the girls aren’t
sleeping, I need to find an alternative until they are in school.
I did just recently find something that might work:
Coloring.
I ordered some basic “patterns” coloring books from Amazon.
There were other- more complicated ones that were made specifically for
mindfulness purposes. I’ll probably get those, too, just to have on hand.
I have noticed the difference this summer having not kept up
with blogging, meditations, exercise, and routine, that two things have
happened: my mood swings have increased, and my brain has gone to mush.
I went to my therapist and told her I’m really distraught
because I literally feel stupid- physically. I’m not saying this to get a pity
party, but because I can tell my brain is not responding as well as it used to.
My memory is crappy these days. My cognitive functioning is not as sharp- it’s
slower. Apparently this can be a side effect of the medication used to treat
bipolar; which makes me feel even worse. I mean, what’s the worse of two evils
here: Bipolar brain, where I can’t always control my mood swings or
irritability levels? Or a slower brain, where I feel like I can’t do anything
right due to my being “stupid” for the rest of my life…
This is what I told my therapist. She told me that “mush
brain” is common for mothers during the summer. Our brains need schedule-
routine- organization- to function well. When we’re in the summer, and we lose
those things, our brains don’t know how to react, so they don’t. Though she
said my researched theory about the medication is possible, it’s more likely
that I just have summer mush brain. She assures me that once I get back to
routine, with all those management skills that I’ve slacked on, my brain will
start to react better and feel sharper again.
So- here’s my first blog being back sort of on schedule.
School for my son starts this week, and I will incorporate “coloring time” with
my girls during the same time as my meditations used to be. The week after
that, I plan to renew my gym membership (at least for a month to month- while
we’re trying to sell our house). And I can get back on track one step at a
time.