Summer Disaster

I have terrible habit of apologizing for everything. My daughter has followed my example and apologizes for really sad things. Like if she trips- she apologizes. It makes me sad because I know it’s because of my example. So, I’m going to practice not apologizing for things. I’m not going to apologize for not writing in my blog all summer. Do I feel bad? Kind of. But not because of you. This blog has been a tool for me to vent, and also keep my brain somewhat organized. I feel bad because I haven’t let it be those things for me this summer. I’ve slacked off on my bipolar management. AND- This blog has been only one of several management tools that I’ve slacked on over the summer.

I had every intention this summer to keep a routine. Routine, as you may know, is very important in my Bipolar management. I had every good intention to follow said routine. I even typed it up. It had gym time, chore time, reading/writing time, and free time. It even had time carved out for lessons: martial arts- which my son just started this summer and LOVES it- and swimming. We were even going to have every Wednesday be “Spanish Day”, so that my son wouldn’t lose any of the Spanish he learned in school last year. He’s doing a dual immersion program at his elementary school.

But my good intentions went down the drain as life happened. The biggest distraction for me has been the decision we made to sell our house. We’re still looking for buyers.

Instead of going to the gym, or even do the chores, I chose to try to clear out some things. We’ll most likely have to downsize… so clearing out as much as possible will be important in this process. So- there went the exercise (also EXTREMELY important in Bipolar management). Sidenote: I don’t think anything gets to replace exercise. If I’m doing something physical, it can be in addition to exercise- not in place of exercise, for future reference. I can say this in confidence, too, because I have gained all the weight back that I had lost… maybe even plus some. I am back up to over 200 pounds, and I’m quite depressed about it.

And then I lost my meditation time. I think the main culprit for this change is that my girls have stopped taking naps. I would always put the girls down for a nap, and use that time to calm down my brain with meditations. I’ve noticed that for me, doing meditations are the key to keeping my irritability levels down. So, now that meditations are much less frequent (instead of every day, its only on weekends, if then), I have been a much more irritable/angry person. I’ve tried really hard, but if the girls aren’t sleeping, I need to find an alternative until they are in school.

I did just recently find something that might work: Coloring.

I ordered some basic “patterns” coloring books from Amazon. There were other- more complicated ones that were made specifically for mindfulness purposes. I’ll probably get those, too, just to have on hand.

I have noticed the difference this summer having not kept up with blogging, meditations, exercise, and routine, that two things have happened: my mood swings have increased, and my brain has gone to mush.

I went to my therapist and told her I’m really distraught because I literally feel stupid- physically. I’m not saying this to get a pity party, but because I can tell my brain is not responding as well as it used to. My memory is crappy these days. My cognitive functioning is not as sharp- it’s slower. Apparently this can be a side effect of the medication used to treat bipolar; which makes me feel even worse. I mean, what’s the worse of two evils here: Bipolar brain, where I can’t always control my mood swings or irritability levels? Or a slower brain, where I feel like I can’t do anything right due to my being “stupid” for the rest of my life…

This is what I told my therapist. She told me that “mush brain” is common for mothers during the summer. Our brains need schedule- routine- organization- to function well. When we’re in the summer, and we lose those things, our brains don’t know how to react, so they don’t. Though she said my researched theory about the medication is possible, it’s more likely that I just have summer mush brain. She assures me that once I get back to routine, with all those management skills that I’ve slacked on, my brain will start to react better and feel sharper again.

So- here’s my first blog being back sort of on schedule. School for my son starts this week, and I will incorporate “coloring time” with my girls during the same time as my meditations used to be. The week after that, I plan to renew my gym membership (at least for a month to month- while we’re trying to sell our house). And I can get back on track one step at a time.