Not Good Enough

"Not good enough"... the words ring in my ear. I'm taken out of the conversation, though it continues, and remember all the occasions in my life where that was the feeling shouting from my soul. As simple as the words themselves are, the feeling is deeper... darker... lonely... and somehow, pervasive in every nook and cranny of my inner self.

I've never made the connection of how much this phrase has leaked into my identity until my therapist spoke these words. For the first time, someone found a part of me that I had been unknowingly trying to hide. I want to be seen as strong, as together, as someone who can change things for herself and for others. But how can I make any difference for anyone else if I'm too freaking afraid to look into my own heart and heal myself first?

I've since noticed all the times this little saying has peaked its ugly little head out to get one more swing at me. Sometimes, it's obvious, and leads to isolation and tears. Other times, it only whispers, as if to egg me on to get more done during the day. In any case, I am only now seeing a part of myself that has been abused for too many years to number. There may be circumstances that have added to it's permanent residence in my head, but I blame only the consistent and subtle self-talk to the point that I didn't notice it for a long time.

I don't know how to fix it, but I do know in circumstances such as these, awareness is the first step. A step into what will either be a chapter into my new self... or a relapse back into rejection and self-abuse.

The Big Annual Crash

Just when I think I have something figured out, life throws me another curve ball. For quite a few years, I've had a major depressive crash in the fall. We've always been able to link it to some sort of  trigger... or at least what we thought was a trigger.

A few of those years seemed to be linked to the Shakespeare Festival in Southern Utah. I was asked to help some high school students choreograph dances based on some Shakespearean story or concept. I loved doing it. We did a group piece based on the Power struggle between Petruchio and Katherine in Taming of the Shrew (I believe you can still find this piece in my video section on my Bipolar Brain Dance Facebook page if you want to see it). We did a group piece about the fairies from A Mid-summer Nights Dream. The biggest surprise was the award we won for a trio dance based on a Shakespeare sonnet. The judges used the word "ethereal" to describe the dance, and that was exactly what I was going for. One disappointment was a dance that I really used my own experience for- while using Ophelia's dip into madness as the story. I put it on a group of junior high students- while teaching them about suicide and how to get help. They handled it all very maturely, and the dance was exactly what I wanted it to be... unfortunately, the director and I worried that the content was far too dark to place on their shoulders, and we quickly changed the piece. I never even got to record it just for my own purposes. I don't mind that we changed the piece. I never wanted to burden anybody. I thank those who were involved, especially for allowing me a bit of movement therapy.

After each year working on, and attending, these competitions and workshops, I would have this major crash. For weeks I would not be functional... literally just laying on the couch and watching movies all day. I just assumed I had gone into hypomania during these projects- and crashing when the project was done. That's how it works the rest of the year, so it just made sense that I must've just put more into these projects (no surprise- I put everything into my choreography projects).

Last year, We moved to Connecticut over the summer. So, I spent the whole rest of the summer and the start of fall getting "settled". Doing paint projects and fix-it projects were a daily need. But then, in the fall, I crashed again. I don't recall it being as bad as it was before... but I had an "excuse", a trigger. I just moved across the country. It was a huge change for us. Any big change in lifestyle might trigger an episode.

But this year, though there were a few things that might have triggered an immediate episode... but it has turned into my annual big crash. I have gone about 2 months now without being functional. It usually goes about 3 months... which is really sad. I like the fall. I like pulling out my sweaters, drinking more herbal tea and hot cocoa, cuddling up with a book, or my favorite movie, or my girls, watching the leaves rain down on the grass...  and I can't fully enjoy any of it.

It's not that I'm completely wrapped up in depression. Though automatic thoughts will always pop in and bother me every now and then- making me believe I'm not enough, what get's me most is just the physical exhaustion. Guys... I'm so tired ALL the time. I get up at 6:30 to get the kids ready for school, and by 9, I'm ready for a nap. I'm lucky if I get one thing done during the day... like brushing my teeth. I can just about guarantee this post will be the only thing I do today. I'm trying to cheat the system and get this done early enough in the morning, so I can rest and be up for making dinner this afternoon.

It really sucks feeling competely useless for 3 months out of the year. I wonder if there's a management strategy that will help long term. I keep trying to talk to my husband about Christmas, in the hopes it will pull me closer to hypomania instead of this dreadful depression.

I've learned that it's pretty normal to be triggered by the weather- and that many of us who suffer from Bipolar have a Depression Episode in the Fall specifically.

So, here I am: stuck in the middle of the worst time of year for me... without power to pull myself up by the bootstraps, and with that evergoing "yuck" in the pit of my stomach that keeps telling me I'm not enough because I'm not doing enough.