"Not good enough"... the words ring in my ear. I'm taken out of the conversation, though it continues, and remember all the occasions in my life where that was the feeling shouting from my soul. As simple as the words themselves are, the feeling is deeper... darker... lonely... and somehow, pervasive in every nook and cranny of my inner self.
I've never made the connection of how much this phrase has leaked into my identity until my therapist spoke these words. For the first time, someone found a part of me that I had been unknowingly trying to hide. I want to be seen as strong, as together, as someone who can change things for herself and for others. But how can I make any difference for anyone else if I'm too freaking afraid to look into my own heart and heal myself first?
I've since noticed all the times this little saying has peaked its ugly little head out to get one more swing at me. Sometimes, it's obvious, and leads to isolation and tears. Other times, it only whispers, as if to egg me on to get more done during the day. In any case, I am only now seeing a part of myself that has been abused for too many years to number. There may be circumstances that have added to it's permanent residence in my head, but I blame only the consistent and subtle self-talk to the point that I didn't notice it for a long time.
I don't know how to fix it, but I do know in circumstances such as these, awareness is the first step. A step into what will either be a chapter into my new self... or a relapse back into rejection and self-abuse.
No comments:
Post a Comment