The Vote is In!

 I've been doing some thinking, and some talking, and some more thinking, and I've decided to do it. I AM going back to school. I'll be studying Dance Therapy and Mental Health Counseling hopefully at Lesley University in MA. I've known about this program for a while and have wanted to go there for a while, but the timing was never right. I think the time might be now.

I have a friend who is in the program now and has told me a great deal about it. After my post about having second thoughts, this friend called me and eased my worries quite a bit about the expectations, the homework, the faculty, etc. After that phone call alone, I feel more confident.

I have another friend who knows a lot about what accommodations can be made for someone like me; Bipolar, ADD, Anxiety... to make sure I can get through school despite my issues. Oh, yeah! There are offices specifically for students like me that will help me request those accommodations and hold the professors to them. Although, according to the friend already in the program, the faculty makes those accommodations even without the office. Also a confidence booster.

So, now, the only 2 concerns left is getting accepted to the program, and paying for the program. I feel pretty confident in getting accepted to the program. My resume is full of applicable experience. I have a paper that I'm going to send that I'm extremely proud of and that is also applicable to the stuff I'll be learning as part of the Masters. I'm a little concerned about sending them a video of my dancing ability... since it's been a while since I've performed. But since I have time to practice improvisation around the house, I feel like I can get that skill back by the time I should send in my application.

That brings me to my final concern: how to pay for it all. See, I've already missed the deadline for grants and scholarships for this year. We have absolutely NO budget to get me through school... I need to find someway to pay for the full $70,000 tuition and fees. If any of you know of a good scholarship or grant, please let me know. I did find a list of grants to look into specifically for Dance Therapy, so I'm hoping that can give me something. Our school district just sent out a call for substitute teachers recently. I've got experience working will all age groups- Elementary through high school... and I'm experienced in using dance in any subject. Unfortunately, with the increase of COVID cases pretty much everywhere... the schools are going remote, and I'm not sure if they want substitutes for that. I'll apply, but I'm not sure they'll use me enough. I make wallets and purses now, but that won't bring in enough money, either.

I'll figure it out. I really want this- have for a while. I can't let this stop me. I'm open to any ideas, if you have any, to earn enough money to pay for a Masters Degree.

Back to School? Or Give Up on a Dream?

 Last week, I made a decision- a life-changing one. I'm going back to school. I'm getting my masters degree in Dance Therapy and will also be certified to become a mental health therapist. Ever since my introduction to the brain dance, I've been fascinated with the body-brain connection. I knew already about the brain controlling the body and its movement, but when I learned it could go the opposite way, too (body movement influencing the makeup of the brain, our behavior, the way we think, etc), I got hooked. I wrote a paper about it called "Sensational Learning" while still an undergrad, and was told it was real close to being a Masters Thesis. I still think about it... so the decision to learn about it formally and doing something with that knowledge is very exciting for me.

Then this week hit. I got hit by a trigger that plunged me into a really bad depression. One where I was left non-functional. I could barely even move. I sat there completely sad, with my head down and not able to think of anything but this trigger, despite my best efforts. And I started having second thoughts. I realized this decision to go to school might not be a good one. I desperately want the knowledge that this program could provide for me. Even if I'm not able to go into the workforce because of Bipolar, I could provide more researched information on my facebook page about management and more information about different mental health topics.

But getting through school is the issue. Having those couple of non-functional days reminded me how much of a gamble it will be to go back to school- especially during my fall crash. Not only can I not physically do anything- I really can't do much mentally, either. Most of my days are filled with brain fog, lack of focus, and a terrible memory. How can I expect to succeed at school when my brain can't catch the information. This program is online during the year with a few weeks in person over the summer. If most of it is reading- would I be able to retain what I need? Or should I quit while I'm ahead?

OH! It kills me to think I can't do this. I'm trying to be realistic. There are really a lot of days that I can't do anything... on the other hand- I've never been more gung-ho to learn more about this fascinating topic. It's a gamble. There's no way to know how many good days and how many bad days I will have. Will I have enough good days that I can get through the program? I just ordered Prevagen- you know, that pill that helps with the brains memory and alertness. Will that be enough to let me soak in the information? And one more thing- I can't go back to school unless I find some means to pay for it all... and I mean ALL. Our current budget doesn't allow for anything extra... so I have to get enough scholarships and grants to cover the entire $70,000 tab. Another gamble.

So, what do I do? Seriously- if any of you have any insight or ideas regarding going back to school with a mental illness, I would love to hear about it. I really want this, but don't know if I would be wasting everyone's time and money... help?

A Diagnosis Story

 There was nothing wrong with me. Hey- I was practically perfect; outgoing, a good student, happy most of the time. I wasn't without my bad moods and stress, but that was all normal. That's what I was- I was normal.

My fiance would ask every now and then if I was okay. I didn't think much of it- he was just being nice checking on me. I was pretty lucky to have him. Unlike a lot of men today, I got one who was sensitive as well as strong. He would notice subtle changes in my mood before even I did. This continued after we were married. He started asking too much- always assuming something was wrong. I was fine- nothing was wrong with me... maybe he didn't really want to be married to me. He couldn't seem to accept me for who I was. I was getting a bit frustrated.

Finally, I started noticing things: I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry for hours, or do nothing but lie on the couch for a week. We decided it might be depression and went to the doctor to get some medication to help me through it. On the day I was to take the first pill, I felt the desperate need to take a pregnancy test. It was positive.

See? I knew I was normal! I dismissed all my "symptoms" and did my best to move forward.

Then my husband was diagnosed with Hodgekins Lymphoma in 2009, and started chemo treatment. I tried to distract myself as much as I could (did a complete home makeover for a friend of mine- painted every room in the house, bought second hand furniture with my own money to add, I made curtains and bed coverings and new art pieces for them) ... I just thought of it as natural to distract myself. There were some scary moments, too. When my husband had to be checked into the hospital, and called me later that evening saying that he thought he was going to die and he didn't want to die alone. His oxygen had dropped really low and the nurses had to come in- rushing around him to get him hooked up to oxygen. Another time, I was driving my little baby boy around so he would nap, and so many times, I wanted desperately to drive into oncoming traffic. My boy was the only thing keeping me from actually doing it. I didn't see the warning signs in my behavior or thoughts.

Finally, when treatment was over and Jake was pronounced "in remission"... I crashed. I had another couple of weeks where I did nothing but lie on the couch and watch movies. I'm not sure I even showered at all during that time. I don't know why this time was different... maybe the whole cancer experience finally broke me down... but I finally realized that my behavior was not normal.

We went back to the family doctor, told him what was going on. He said he had an idea what was going on, but to be sure, I should keep a journal for a month. He wanted me to write down my moods, and any behavior that didn't seem to be normal. So I did. After that month, the Doc asked me what I found. I told him, and he said I had a classic case of Bipolar 2, and prescribed me some medicine. I don't remember anything else he might of said. He just told me I had a mental illness- It rang in my head and drown out anything else he tried to tell me.

That was that. Suddenly I was not only imperfect, but completely broken... and at that time, the only way to help (cuz, oh yeah, not only is there no cure... this is something that you are burdened with for the rest of your life) is a bunch of pills you have to try until you find some that help your moods a little without completely screwing you over with their side effects. That was the only thing I could do. So for years, I would periodically change my meds or add to the cocktail through the family doctor cuz that's all I knew how to do.

It wasn't until I was planning my suicide that I finally got to a neuropsychiatric hospital where they taught me some of the other things I could do to help. They found me a psychiatrist and a therapist. After switching therapists to find one that would listen to me better, I started learning about all the different self-care and coping skills that would work for me. And now continue to research and learn what it means to take care of myself.

I'm now at a point where I recognize what is Bipolar and what is me. I still have times where I lay on the couch for long periods of time because I just can't function. I also still have times where I try to do a million projects at once because I feel invincible and my brain goes a mile a minute coming up  with new "genius" ideas. But I have learned to recognize them and try to minimize the destruction I can cause unchecked.

But for the most part, I can finally see the normal me again. Far from perfect, but not completely broken.

Depression Attacks Again... or Still

 Every day, I wake up hoping it can be a normal, productive day... and every day, it's worse than the day before. I find myself with a completely blank head, but with thoughts buried so deep that have so much impact, that I still cry "for no reason". Today, I woke up at my normal time, and within one hour, I needed to take a 2 hour nap.

I really hate this. I try so hard to be positive... or at least realistic about my illnesses. You know, giving myself a break, because apparently my body needs it. But when it lasts as long as it does (I may still have an entire month before I'm able to pull out of this depression), it just wears on me. I can't stay positive that long... I mean, for the past 6 weeks or so, I've been trying with all that I am to pull myself out of it. To somehow keep some level of energy so I can get that little bit of validation that makes me feel like I'm not totally useless.

I get desperate for validation. I need to have that satisfaction that I'm doing the right thing- for anyone. I'm almost 40, and though I feel like I've cut the apron strings, I still feel the need to call my parents every now and then to get their approval on things that I'm doing.

Sorry... sidenote...

But when it comes to beating this fall crash (also called depression fatigue or chronic fatigue... very similar to adrenal fatigue, too), I'm at a loss. I'm to the point where I'm sick of trying to overcome it. Maybe the only way to get past it is allow myself to give in to it- take every nap my body tells me to, do nothing but lie on the couch watching musicals and Disney movies because it A- they always have that thread of positivity that I try to feed off of, and B- finishing a movie requires the least amount of effort and still provide a small sense of accomplishment. How sad is that?

I have to work on giving myself permission to be down for this long. A few days every now and then is fine, but for 3 months? I feel like a lazy loafer that my poor husband has to do double duty for, and all my kids see is someone who sleeps all the time and doesn't have the attitude or the energy to be a normal mom. That kills me. My girls are still in a place where they don't really notice, but my son is very aware. I try to talk to them about the downfalls of depression, and try to give them enough hugs and kisses and "I love yous" that they don't blame themselves for my flaws, or think they have a slacker mom. It's just not enough. I'm not enough.

There's that phrase again.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

deep breath...

another...

Problem: long term depression fatigue

Possible solution: let myself rest more, Be more vigilant in changing negative and distorted thoughts (use journal), do what I can and accept it, remember this happens every year- I'm still here, tell myself "I am enough".