Depression Attacks Again... or Still

 Every day, I wake up hoping it can be a normal, productive day... and every day, it's worse than the day before. I find myself with a completely blank head, but with thoughts buried so deep that have so much impact, that I still cry "for no reason". Today, I woke up at my normal time, and within one hour, I needed to take a 2 hour nap.

I really hate this. I try so hard to be positive... or at least realistic about my illnesses. You know, giving myself a break, because apparently my body needs it. But when it lasts as long as it does (I may still have an entire month before I'm able to pull out of this depression), it just wears on me. I can't stay positive that long... I mean, for the past 6 weeks or so, I've been trying with all that I am to pull myself out of it. To somehow keep some level of energy so I can get that little bit of validation that makes me feel like I'm not totally useless.

I get desperate for validation. I need to have that satisfaction that I'm doing the right thing- for anyone. I'm almost 40, and though I feel like I've cut the apron strings, I still feel the need to call my parents every now and then to get their approval on things that I'm doing.

Sorry... sidenote...

But when it comes to beating this fall crash (also called depression fatigue or chronic fatigue... very similar to adrenal fatigue, too), I'm at a loss. I'm to the point where I'm sick of trying to overcome it. Maybe the only way to get past it is allow myself to give in to it- take every nap my body tells me to, do nothing but lie on the couch watching musicals and Disney movies because it A- they always have that thread of positivity that I try to feed off of, and B- finishing a movie requires the least amount of effort and still provide a small sense of accomplishment. How sad is that?

I have to work on giving myself permission to be down for this long. A few days every now and then is fine, but for 3 months? I feel like a lazy loafer that my poor husband has to do double duty for, and all my kids see is someone who sleeps all the time and doesn't have the attitude or the energy to be a normal mom. That kills me. My girls are still in a place where they don't really notice, but my son is very aware. I try to talk to them about the downfalls of depression, and try to give them enough hugs and kisses and "I love yous" that they don't blame themselves for my flaws, or think they have a slacker mom. It's just not enough. I'm not enough.

There's that phrase again.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

deep breath...

another...

Problem: long term depression fatigue

Possible solution: let myself rest more, Be more vigilant in changing negative and distorted thoughts (use journal), do what I can and accept it, remember this happens every year- I'm still here, tell myself "I am enough".