Consistently inconsistent

 It's the one thing I do best. I'm inconsistent. I really wish I wasn't... but it just sort of comes with with the Bipolar territory. I have a really good schedule for you for my facebook page. I do really well for a couple months... March hits, and I "change my mind". I still want to deliver the information I have prepared for you, but circumstances change, and I'm left with not enough time in the day.

It was my weight again. I got a partner in crime, my sister, who motivated me to get back to the gym. I got a membership, and I got a trainer. I know myself- I'm more productive in the morning- AND I've entered a more hypomanic phase of Bipolar. I know I can get more done/be more productive if I exercise in the morning. In the morning was when I mostly got my entries done as well... so by having something else in the morning to (desperately) focus on, I lost focus on the page and the blog. But I'm kind of done apologizing for it. This is how my Bipolar plays out. I do what I can, and hope that I help someone along my very scattered path.

So it's been a few months focusing on nutrition and exercise. I lost 2% body fat, but no weight off the scale. I have various people telling me how to eat (to lose weight, but also to fix acid reflux and IBS). A nutritionist is even telling me I need to cut calories to the point of starvation. I'm not sure I should follow that advice. Everyone's idea of weight loss eating conflicts with everyone else's. I was hoping to find an eating plan that has subtle enough changes that I can actually follow through with. Something realistic that I can stick by for the rest of my life. A true lifestyle change.

Unfortunately, I recognize that I might be at the point of serious radical change on what I can and can't eat. You see, once I started exercising again, my reflux problem got worse and worse. I'm not having acid come back up so much, but a lot of fluid likes to just sit in my esophagus, and some regurgitation. I need to burp a lot during exercise, and every time I actually do, a bit of something goes into my esophagus. 

I've learned that if that "something" is acid, a surgery can fix it just for extreme acid reflux. If, however, that "something in my esophagus" is NOT acid, like bile, or food, the surgery won't do any good. I haven't heard what it might be, but I will be doing a procedure in about a month that will tell us if it's acid or not. Of course, my imagination/ Bipolar distorted thinking is telling me this is worse case scenario... blah, blah, blah. I keep trying to tell myself it's nothing... it's fixable- because that's what I'm supposed to tell myself when it's distorted thinking. Once as a teenager, I was told that I have the ability to keep a peace of mind. At times like now, I wish that ability were something I could just call upon whenever.

And now, all week, I've been in a dysfunctional breakdown. I'm sure it's a mixed episode. My energy is zapped, I'm dizzy all the time, having a small bit of brain fog, lots of desire to be  productive, but having very little motivation (enough today to get something done). I can't count on myself to do anything in a certain time frame, or a certain way. It always takes me a while to figure me out- or my brain out, but there is no rhyme or reason as to when I have an episode or backwards thinking or when I'm in working order, or when I'm dysfunctional. It's really frustrating for me to not be able to count on myself... and it kills me when others can't count on me.

As sort of a side-note... I have been informed that in July of this year, those of you who have an email subscription to my blog won't be getting email notifications anymore to this blog.