Wonder Woman

I grew up feeling invincible. I had it all together. I always got above average grades. I was super involved in extra-curricular activities in high-school (dance, orchestra, marching band, musical theater); some turned into my majors in college (where I got even better grades). I got my Young Women's medallion in church. I was outgoing, and I was under the impression that most people liked me (I may be wrong about that, but just let me believe it.)

Things started changing on my mission. Things weren't going perfectly- and my mission, of all places, was supposed to be perfect.

I started seeing a therapist. He gave me homework to do. I didn't do it. Deep down, I still wanted to believe that I was fine, and it was everyone else that were causing problems.

I had a companion who had more patience with me than anyone else had (not including parents.) I had so much love and admiration for her that when a disagreement came up, I couldn't keep blaming her. For the first time, I turned my eye around to look at myself. Maybe I'm the problem? Maybe my perspective was off? This made more sense. But I didn't know what to do about it.

I talked with my mission president. I cried as I confessed that I just can't do everything; that I maybe was not good enough; that I'm no Winder Woman. He smiled and told me that I was Wonder Woman, and that I was doing exactly what I was sent to do.

How could he believe that so strongly? 

Life continued. I tried to get back into my pre-mission mentality after I was done, so I could accomplish anything and everything. But I couldn't. I was different. How much I tried to ignore it- it was still there. How was I supposed to accept these changes when I didn't like them? My memory was skewed. I felt alone all the time, even while trying to make friends. The only real friend I had was my husband to be. He was the only one who made me feel like I was worth something- and he fought hard for me. All I knew was I HAD to keep him- he was, and continues to be, my anchor in an unpredictable storm.

Starting birth control pills threw me even more out of whack. I felt dark and angry all the time. Over time, I evened out some- I switched to the Nuva ring, which turned out to be the best decision for me... But I still had issues.

Our marriage was far from perfect. We had a lot of speed bumps and a lot of mountain to climb. Jake frequently wondered about my emotional state. He would point out odd behaviors... The problem was that, as one with bipolar, everything I was saying and doing seemed perfectly normal and it just felt like he was being too picky or trying to control me. It took multiple efforts and the right circumstances to get me to the doctor the first time.

It took cancer. Jake was diagnosed with Hodgekins Lymphoma in March 2009. Watching him literally fight for his life scared me. I realized how much I needed him. I watched his hair fall out. I watched how sick he got after his chemo treatments. He shook sometimes. He would spend some days in their totality slouched over the toilet. He lost so much weight (he really didn't have that much to lose).

And I had to consider the possibility of losing him. I thought about how I sometimes treated him, and I was ashamed. I hadn't been a very good person- let alone a good wife, or friend.

When he was told the cancer was in remission and he no longer needed treatment, I crashed. I spent two weeks straight doing nothing but sleep on the couch. Maybe the high energy (looking back, I know it was the highest level of mania I had ever had) during Jake's treatments completely drained and humbled me... After my serious crash, I realized my behavior wasn't normal, and I finally consented going to get checked out.

My family doctor listened very carefully as I described my concerns. He was pretty sure then that he knew what was going on, but he had me go back home and keep a mood journal for a while, so he could be sure.

Upon returning, he was convinced I had Bipolar 2 with rapid cycling. I was willing to accept depression, but bipolar? That means I'm crazy. That means I don't know how to care for myself or anyone else. Yes- even those of us with mental illness fall prey to stigma; especially in the beginning.

I hated myself. I started retrospectively noticing those awful things I said and did (because bipolar makes you feel like you're always right). I became timid and angry. I still get in that mindset, especially when Jake tries to give me feedback on my behavior (understand, though, we have mutually agreed this is necessary to helping me remain stable). I frequently feel that I'm less than because I have this disorder that makes me human.

What about that high-school version of me? I miss her. She was so happy and accepted. She did everything she wanted, and got constant validation. She could conquer the world.

During all this, I thought frequently about how wrong my mission president was in saying I WAS Wonder Woman. If he could only see me now- in all my flawed glory- he would never say I was her.

She was perfect.

Wait a minute- no, she's not. Give me a little nerd credibility- I married a comic book writer. 😜

Wonder Woman loses her abilities- including her super strength- when her wrists are bound together.

We all know the Superman has his Kryptonite. Green Kryptonite takes away his superpowers; and there is Kryptonite of other colors that mess with him, too.

Green Lantern’s flaw or weakness is the color yellow, which eventually was made into the manifestation of fear on the light spectrum (and is the opposite of him, with Green light being powered by will).

Martian Manhunter’s is fire.

The Flash will die if he runs too fast.

Daredevil’s is too much noise pollution. 

These are just examples!!! Even superheroes have issues. The Super heroic part comes when they fight for the good, in spite of their difficulties.

Is it possible that my mission president knew that all along? That superheroes have flaws just like the rest of us- and if we keep fighting through all the opposition we face in spite of our difficulties, we are just as powerful as them.

It took me a long time to I had to learn that my trials were okay- they don't say I'm a bad person... Just that I'm a fighter. And maybe I don't have the slick black hair and tiara, but maybe I am a pretty wonderful woman.

Refiner's Fire

  Malachi 3:2-3

We've all been through this- and we'll be through even more; the Refiner's Fire. I'll never forget when I first learned what a Refiner's fire was. It was so real and made so much sense. I love when the scriptures come to life as they did to me here.

Someone who is a refiner of gold or silver has to take a raw, very coarse piece of the metal and push it into an extremely hot fire. This fire forces the metal to be submissive, malleable, ready to be molded. Not only that, it pushes imperfections to the surface (in this case, those imperfections in the metal are called dross). If left in the fire long enough, those imperfections fall off, leaving the metal more pure, valuable, and beautiful. The Refiner knows his metal is ready when he can see his reflection in the surface of his gold or silver.

So- let's look at this as we are the silver. It sucks. We're not hurting anyone, but out of nowhere, we are thrown a curve ball; taken from where we are (where we're perfectly comfortable, thank you very much), and pushed into a whirlwind of hard things.

I believe I am in yet another Refiner's Fire. Without giving too many details (too personal and uncertain to share at this time), let me break it down for you. First are the trials that don't go away- Bipolar; figuring out how to be a good mother (include things like trying to potty train, teaching to read, etc); sleep apnea (YOU try sleeping with a million straps around your head). Almost a year ago, my husband and I decided to sell our home in the hopes we could pay off our medical debt (caused by previous refiner's fires: Jake had cancer, we struggled with infertility, my Bipolar diagnosis and trying to figure out how to treat/manage it). But by the time our house sold, we still didn't feel right about buying a new (smaller) home, so we didn't have anywhere to go. We ended up moving in with my in-laws. Now, while I have the best in-laws on the face of the planet, it's still hard when you don't have a place of your own (especially when you're used to running your own home). You have to do things by someone else's rules and try to keep your stuff (and kids stuff) strictly in very small, out-of-the-way spaces. Honestly, I cringe every time the girls dig into their toy-box.

And that's just the beginning. After living at my in-laws for about 2 months, my father-in-law passed away VERY unexpectedly. So add grieving to the list. And because my mother-in-law has some medical issues, and can't do some things on her own, it falls to my husband and me to care for her. My husband goes to work to provide for everyone, and takes care of legal stuff together with his siblings, and I take her to multiple doctors appointments a week while we try to figure out what she needs; while also finding multiple babysitters a week for the girls, and driving Jonas to and from school every day (he's doing a Spanish immersion program, so his school is a little further away). While I believe that God obviously placed us at my in-laws house to be here when we were needed, it is still difficult.

I have also recently learned that my Grandma has stage 4 cancer, and my Grandpa was just diagnosed with dementia. It kills me to watch my mom try to be strong and do and say "what you're supposed to" when you're a devout Mormon, but not know yet what it feels like to lose a parent. I know she's hurting while she serves where she's needed/wanted. I also know I can't take that hurt away- I can't fight this battle for her (as much as I wish I could).

And while none of these things are necessarily hard on their own, together they are overwhelming. I stress enough just not being in my own space- let alone making sure I'm doing everything I can for all my other family members who are also suffering. I'm doing the best I can, and hope that the Lord will magnify my efforts.

I want to know a timeline. When will we have our own house again? (Or will we?) How will my mom-in-law's health progress? How long will my Grandma last? I wish I just knew- so I could pace myself better. I don't know how long I can keep this up.

I expressed my frustration and stress to my therapist, who was very understanding. The thing she kept repeating to me is my need to take all of it one day at a time- even one step at a time. Less important things will fall off my daily to do list- which I should keep short on purpose.

Other thoughts that have come are as follows:

Whom the Lord calls, He qualifies.

If He brings you to it, 

He can bring you through it.

 Footprints in the Sand 

By Mary Stevensen

One night I had a dream.
I dreamed I was walking along the beach
with the Lord..

Across the sky flashed scenes from my life..
For each scene, I noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me, and the other to the Lord..

When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.

This really bothered me
and I questioned the Lord about it:
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why
when I need you most you would leave me."

The Lord replied:
"My precious child, I love you and would
never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints, it was then
that I carried you."

Although for me, it might be more like this:

In the Malachi scripture- the Lord is the refiner's fire. He is the one who pushes us into difficult times in our lives- our own personal (shall we say hellfire?)- not because we did something wrong, but simply because he loves us and wants us to return more noble and ready to enter His kingdom of heaven. So, he forces us under fire, until we become ready to be molded by Him. And He knows we are ready when He can see his image in us. Have you seen His image in your countenance?

Unseen Battles

I’m a little depressed today. I feel like there is so much to do, but I can’t seem to get my butt off the couch to do any of it. I apparently am not too bad, because I’m writing in a blog. If I was really bad, I wouldn’t be able to do that, or even have a shower- but I was successful in that regard. (Small win- but a win just the same.)

However, I still feel down. My life is kind of in limbo and I just want to get on with it… But it will at least be months, it might even be years before we get to do that. In the meantime, I’m supposed to have a good attitude and count my blessings… But that’s really tough to do when you’re depressed.

I’m reminded of an experience I had that just broke me. After I had my first child, I was desperate for another. We had to wait a really long time, because my husband had cancer and the chemo sterilized him. The fertility specialist told us to wait 2 years before even trying- and to realize that we had less than 10% of ever getting pregnant again- even with the aid of In Vitro Fertilization or Insemination. I hurt. Bad.

Yet the Lord blessed us with a second natural pregnancy… With twins. I was thrilled. I really wanted my son to have a sibling, and now he was going to have two. Now, when you get pregnant while on bipolar medications, you are advised to come off them so the child won’t have any deformities or addictions and give them their best chance of life (this is not advised for all as every situation and circumstance is different). I came off the meds. As such, I became very depressed for the bulk of my pregnancy. And carrying two? It was very painful for me.

(Yeah- that's no pillow under my nightgown. That's my actual belly.)

I was pretty much useless for anything. I got really sick. It hurt to walk. I cried a lot, and felt completely alone (even though my amazing sister in law moved in to help take care of my son since I was so sick- her attentions were on him. Props, Tanya- you are awesome.) I was stuck inside most of the time. Visitors were scarce (but OH! How I treasured them when they could come.) I turned to Facebook for most of my venting. Telling Facebook how I was feeling was as close as I could come to a listening friend whenever I needed one. I talked a lot about how much I was physically hurting as my body expanded to fit 2 more little ones at once; about how sick I was; about how the depression at times was unbearable.

Then one morning, someone I had really liked wrote something about me on Facebook. I don’t remember the exact wording, but this person said they wished my whining and complaining would end, and that I should be grateful for what God was giving me. Then they ended with something like “what a horrible example of a Mormon you are.” I cried for probably three days straight.

It was true. They were right; I was complaining on Facebook a lot… But they didn’t know the whole picture. They had no idea that I suffered from Bipolar (I was pretty quiet about it in those days), and that I was off my meds to give my unborn girls their best shot. They didn’t see how much I hurt every day- physically and emotionally.

It hurt that they made their statement about me so public. They had the option of just not viewing my status updates, but they chose instead to publicly shame me for having a hard time. It hurt even more that because I was Mormon, I was supposed to be always perfect and not allow my emotions to be real. Why are Mormons not allowed to feel? Are Mormons not human, too? I walked around with a complex for a while, feeling like I let the church down- like I let God down- because I allowed someone to see my humanity… And my weakness.

But, I have since realized that it's important for Mormons and non-Mormons alike to see us as real people- as people realize the humanity of Mormons, perhaps the beliefs are more attainable- more realistic. And as fellow Mormons see my weakness, they can feel more included- less alone- cuz we all know we are not perfect, despite what you may look like to some. We strive to be better people- but we need to know that weakness is okay- it’s just human. We are not expected to be perfect.

So, two lessons have evolved for me.
1. Weakness is okay, as long as I keep trying. I need to allow myself down days.
2. You never know what kind of battle someone else is fighting. Sometimes, it may be a visible battle. And for those, it is easier to treat with compassion. But there are those who are fighting an inner battle who may not be as vocal about their fight as I am: someone in their family passed away, they are facing bankruptcy, they just got kicked out of their home, and yes- those of us with mental illness face a battle every day.

Even Plato understood this concept:

And maybe this is what helped me forgive this person for their temporary mean-ness. Maybe they were fighting something I know nothing about. I wish them well, and hope the Lord will be with them.

So don't be a jerk. You don't know the full picture. Instead, be kind. Always.

A Look at MY New Years Goals

I used to work at the LDS Missionary Training Center. At first, I was a Spanish teacher, but soon moved to the Learning Resource Center. Though completely different now, at the time it was an area that offered tutoring and classes to aid the missionaries in various tasks; such as learning how to read, how to better study the scriptures as well as any new language they're trying to learn, etc. One of the things I loved to teach the most was how to plan and set goals.

I love goals. I grew up being encouraged to set and accomplish my goals. Now, through teaching others, I have a much better understanding of what ago all is… AND I also get much more bugged when people set goals like “be more outgoing”, “lose weight”, “pay off debt”, “organize house”. These do not count as goals… Not yet. These are only your umbrella statements. More thought needs to be put into these ideas before they count as goals.

Goals need to be specific. For example, if your umbrella statement is “drink more water”, how much more do you want to drink? If your umbrella statement is “call your parents”, how often do you want to call them? The point is, to count as a goal, they need to be specific and measurable. The best way to do this is have a planning day every now and then. I have scheduled a planning day every Friday to make time for each of my goals, and to make sure I have all equipment necessary to accomplish my goal for that week.

This leads me to my next two  questions: How can you break your goal down into measurable pieces? And how will you hold yourself accountable? The first- if your goal is to lose 50 pounds (which almost counts as a goal because it's a specific number), you can't really do that all at once, so break it down- how many pounds per week? How am I going to lose the weight? The second- accountability helps with motivation. I have an “accountability buddy” for a few of my goals. I also like to make charts that I can “check off”. It gives me a great sense of accomplishment.

It's important to give yourself some type of reward system for doing what you set out to do. Give yourself smaller rewards along the way, and a big reward for when you accomplish your goal. Ideas for rewards are: buying small treats, treat yourself to a movie, your favorite restaurant; or if funds won't allow it, treat yourself to a night in- watch your favorite chick flick, have a bubble bath, have some crafting time, or anything else you enjoy doing but don't usually have the time. Your big reward at the end might be the same thing as your motivation for getting there: a special trip, a shopping spree, etc.

In short, if you can answer the basic questions, you have a good goal:

• Who?
• What?
• When?
• Where?
• How?
• Why?

I thought I would break down my New Years goals (which mostly revolve around managing Bipolar).  It's not necessary in setting goals for the new year,  but I like working on my whole self, so that I keep a balance in my life. Some goals fit into multiple categories- I tried to show that by the use of color. Don't worry too much about it. A lot of the purpose for this visual is for me.

NEW YEARS 2016: I WANT TO BE MORE CONSISTENT

IN TAKING CARE OF MYSELF

Step 1: Who and What?
(Most of the time, the “who” is the person setting the goal. Although, sometimes we set a goal for our young kids, or even a goal as a family. If that's the case, each person must share in the “what”.)

Take Care of MIND
Blog every week- publish on Thursday
Do meditations at least 4x per week
Read about new things- tues/fri
Ideas: skin care, Buddhism, Laban
Kids learning time- every weekday (homework and educational games)

Take Care of BODY
Exercise 3x a week- Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday
Yoga 1x a week- Sunday
Food: plan menu- all meals, including snacks
count calories: 1400 on non-gym days/1900on gym days, (keep track on app)
100 oz water daily
Skin: wash every morning/night,
Exfoliate/mask 1x a week- Sunday

Take Care of SPIRIT
One creative thing each week (include business things)- Wednesday
Take "me time" 1x a week- Sunday
Ideas: diy facials, watch your shows/movie, read,

Step 3: How?
Some of my goals have a weekly time, but lack the actual specifics. For example, Mondays and Saturdays are my chore days. Likewise, each Wednesday, I've given myself time to be creative. For this purpose, I have set aside time to plan. I've made several lists: chores that need doing regularly, creative projects I want to do, ideas for pampering time, and books that I want to read. During my planning time each week, I look at my lists and decide which chore, which creative project,  which pampering thing, and which book to read. This also allows me the flexibility in case something new catches my attention, and I want to do that right away (this happens all the time with my creative projects. Too bad I can't keep up with the inspiration…).

You also have flexibility within your schedule to move things around as you need and still get everything done. In my case, it's best to stick to the same routine as much as possible, but if I have a doctor’s appointment during gym time, I can go on a Monday, and push chores to 11.

Step 4: Why?
If you have no reason for doing whatever goal, you will have no motivation to stick to said goal. Maybe you are losing weight to avoid diabetes, or so you can be confident when you go on that cruise. Maybe you're saving money so you can take a trip to China (changed my life- I highly recommend it), or maybe just to get out of debt and feel that burden lifted. Whatever your reason, put it somewhere to keep you going, to stay motivated.

My reason- though all goals are to better myself- is for my family. I need to keep routine and be consistent in order to manage bipolar and be stable and reliable for my kids; for my family. I know that they love me, but I want them to know they can count on me and come to me with any concern or need they have. We are going through a lot of changes right now. They need consistency. I need to be that consistency. My family is worth it- I am worth it.




I know this looks like a lot (you shouldn't have too many goals- you don't want to overwhelm yourself), but I was already doing a lot of these things before this new year started. Many of them, like meditations and exercising, proves to be beneficial to my Bipolar management, so I wanted to make sure I kept them in my schedule and didn't forget about them.

Good Luck in the New Year- may your motivation stay strong and your vision stay focused!