Unseen Battles

I’m a little depressed today. I feel like there is so much to do, but I can’t seem to get my butt off the couch to do any of it. I apparently am not too bad, because I’m writing in a blog. If I was really bad, I wouldn’t be able to do that, or even have a shower- but I was successful in that regard. (Small win- but a win just the same.)

However, I still feel down. My life is kind of in limbo and I just want to get on with it… But it will at least be months, it might even be years before we get to do that. In the meantime, I’m supposed to have a good attitude and count my blessings… But that’s really tough to do when you’re depressed.

I’m reminded of an experience I had that just broke me. After I had my first child, I was desperate for another. We had to wait a really long time, because my husband had cancer and the chemo sterilized him. The fertility specialist told us to wait 2 years before even trying- and to realize that we had less than 10% of ever getting pregnant again- even with the aid of In Vitro Fertilization or Insemination. I hurt. Bad.

Yet the Lord blessed us with a second natural pregnancy… With twins. I was thrilled. I really wanted my son to have a sibling, and now he was going to have two. Now, when you get pregnant while on bipolar medications, you are advised to come off them so the child won’t have any deformities or addictions and give them their best chance of life (this is not advised for all as every situation and circumstance is different). I came off the meds. As such, I became very depressed for the bulk of my pregnancy. And carrying two? It was very painful for me.

(Yeah- that's no pillow under my nightgown. That's my actual belly.)

I was pretty much useless for anything. I got really sick. It hurt to walk. I cried a lot, and felt completely alone (even though my amazing sister in law moved in to help take care of my son since I was so sick- her attentions were on him. Props, Tanya- you are awesome.) I was stuck inside most of the time. Visitors were scarce (but OH! How I treasured them when they could come.) I turned to Facebook for most of my venting. Telling Facebook how I was feeling was as close as I could come to a listening friend whenever I needed one. I talked a lot about how much I was physically hurting as my body expanded to fit 2 more little ones at once; about how sick I was; about how the depression at times was unbearable.

Then one morning, someone I had really liked wrote something about me on Facebook. I don’t remember the exact wording, but this person said they wished my whining and complaining would end, and that I should be grateful for what God was giving me. Then they ended with something like “what a horrible example of a Mormon you are.” I cried for probably three days straight.

It was true. They were right; I was complaining on Facebook a lot… But they didn’t know the whole picture. They had no idea that I suffered from Bipolar (I was pretty quiet about it in those days), and that I was off my meds to give my unborn girls their best shot. They didn’t see how much I hurt every day- physically and emotionally.

It hurt that they made their statement about me so public. They had the option of just not viewing my status updates, but they chose instead to publicly shame me for having a hard time. It hurt even more that because I was Mormon, I was supposed to be always perfect and not allow my emotions to be real. Why are Mormons not allowed to feel? Are Mormons not human, too? I walked around with a complex for a while, feeling like I let the church down- like I let God down- because I allowed someone to see my humanity… And my weakness.

But, I have since realized that it's important for Mormons and non-Mormons alike to see us as real people- as people realize the humanity of Mormons, perhaps the beliefs are more attainable- more realistic. And as fellow Mormons see my weakness, they can feel more included- less alone- cuz we all know we are not perfect, despite what you may look like to some. We strive to be better people- but we need to know that weakness is okay- it’s just human. We are not expected to be perfect.

So, two lessons have evolved for me.
1. Weakness is okay, as long as I keep trying. I need to allow myself down days.
2. You never know what kind of battle someone else is fighting. Sometimes, it may be a visible battle. And for those, it is easier to treat with compassion. But there are those who are fighting an inner battle who may not be as vocal about their fight as I am: someone in their family passed away, they are facing bankruptcy, they just got kicked out of their home, and yes- those of us with mental illness face a battle every day.

Even Plato understood this concept:

And maybe this is what helped me forgive this person for their temporary mean-ness. Maybe they were fighting something I know nothing about. I wish them well, and hope the Lord will be with them.

So don't be a jerk. You don't know the full picture. Instead, be kind. Always.