Refiner's Fire

  Malachi 3:2-3

We've all been through this- and we'll be through even more; the Refiner's Fire. I'll never forget when I first learned what a Refiner's fire was. It was so real and made so much sense. I love when the scriptures come to life as they did to me here.

Someone who is a refiner of gold or silver has to take a raw, very coarse piece of the metal and push it into an extremely hot fire. This fire forces the metal to be submissive, malleable, ready to be molded. Not only that, it pushes imperfections to the surface (in this case, those imperfections in the metal are called dross). If left in the fire long enough, those imperfections fall off, leaving the metal more pure, valuable, and beautiful. The Refiner knows his metal is ready when he can see his reflection in the surface of his gold or silver.

So- let's look at this as we are the silver. It sucks. We're not hurting anyone, but out of nowhere, we are thrown a curve ball; taken from where we are (where we're perfectly comfortable, thank you very much), and pushed into a whirlwind of hard things.

I believe I am in yet another Refiner's Fire. Without giving too many details (too personal and uncertain to share at this time), let me break it down for you. First are the trials that don't go away- Bipolar; figuring out how to be a good mother (include things like trying to potty train, teaching to read, etc); sleep apnea (YOU try sleeping with a million straps around your head). Almost a year ago, my husband and I decided to sell our home in the hopes we could pay off our medical debt (caused by previous refiner's fires: Jake had cancer, we struggled with infertility, my Bipolar diagnosis and trying to figure out how to treat/manage it). But by the time our house sold, we still didn't feel right about buying a new (smaller) home, so we didn't have anywhere to go. We ended up moving in with my in-laws. Now, while I have the best in-laws on the face of the planet, it's still hard when you don't have a place of your own (especially when you're used to running your own home). You have to do things by someone else's rules and try to keep your stuff (and kids stuff) strictly in very small, out-of-the-way spaces. Honestly, I cringe every time the girls dig into their toy-box.

And that's just the beginning. After living at my in-laws for about 2 months, my father-in-law passed away VERY unexpectedly. So add grieving to the list. And because my mother-in-law has some medical issues, and can't do some things on her own, it falls to my husband and me to care for her. My husband goes to work to provide for everyone, and takes care of legal stuff together with his siblings, and I take her to multiple doctors appointments a week while we try to figure out what she needs; while also finding multiple babysitters a week for the girls, and driving Jonas to and from school every day (he's doing a Spanish immersion program, so his school is a little further away). While I believe that God obviously placed us at my in-laws house to be here when we were needed, it is still difficult.

I have also recently learned that my Grandma has stage 4 cancer, and my Grandpa was just diagnosed with dementia. It kills me to watch my mom try to be strong and do and say "what you're supposed to" when you're a devout Mormon, but not know yet what it feels like to lose a parent. I know she's hurting while she serves where she's needed/wanted. I also know I can't take that hurt away- I can't fight this battle for her (as much as I wish I could).

And while none of these things are necessarily hard on their own, together they are overwhelming. I stress enough just not being in my own space- let alone making sure I'm doing everything I can for all my other family members who are also suffering. I'm doing the best I can, and hope that the Lord will magnify my efforts.

I want to know a timeline. When will we have our own house again? (Or will we?) How will my mom-in-law's health progress? How long will my Grandma last? I wish I just knew- so I could pace myself better. I don't know how long I can keep this up.

I expressed my frustration and stress to my therapist, who was very understanding. The thing she kept repeating to me is my need to take all of it one day at a time- even one step at a time. Less important things will fall off my daily to do list- which I should keep short on purpose.

Other thoughts that have come are as follows:

Whom the Lord calls, He qualifies.

If He brings you to it, 

He can bring you through it.

 Footprints in the Sand 

By Mary Stevensen

One night I had a dream.
I dreamed I was walking along the beach
with the Lord..

Across the sky flashed scenes from my life..
For each scene, I noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me, and the other to the Lord..

When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.

This really bothered me
and I questioned the Lord about it:
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why
when I need you most you would leave me."

The Lord replied:
"My precious child, I love you and would
never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints, it was then
that I carried you."

Although for me, it might be more like this:

In the Malachi scripture- the Lord is the refiner's fire. He is the one who pushes us into difficult times in our lives- our own personal (shall we say hellfire?)- not because we did something wrong, but simply because he loves us and wants us to return more noble and ready to enter His kingdom of heaven. So, he forces us under fire, until we become ready to be molded by Him. And He knows we are ready when He can see his image in us. Have you seen His image in your countenance?