Do I dare?

 I've noticed my posts lately have been more on the negative side. You could call it negative. You could just call it life. This is my life experience. Anyone with a mental illness has a lot of mental battles to fight- and we need to get it out sometimes. I need this blog to help me vent. I'm not trying to prove I have it worse off than anyone else. It's just really hard to live with a mental illness (or a few). I want my audience out there to know I'm just trying to be real. I'm trying to be a voice... a voice for myself so that others might understand me more (and the more I talk about it, the more I realize I'm the one in control here-not my illness)... and a voice for others who are maybe more introverted or scared to speak for themselves- you are not alone.

That being said, there are positive sides here, too. Learning to deal with these mental illnesses (and continuing to learn... there will never be an end to this learning) has given me strength, compassion, self-control (to a degree... definitely NOT when it comes to chocolate), and a lot of insight into myself and sometimes those around me.

Within the past month, I have learned of two dear friends who have been diagnosed with a mental illness or two. My mind immediately went back to that space of time when I knew I had bipolar, but I didn't know you could do anything about it, and I didn't want my friends to have to struggle as much as I did, so I put together some ideas that I thought were the most helpful in knowing when dealing with something this difficult. Whether or not they use it is up to them... and I know the way they deal will be different than how I deal. But, I wanted them to have a positive start... something I wish I had when I was first diagnosed.

This got me to thinking. I know mine is only one experience, but that experience and knowledge might be valuable to more people than just me and my friends. I wonder if it would be valuable to enough people to warrant writing a book about it.

Every time I bring it up, I immediately doubt myself. But ever since I was little, I've wanted to publish a book... and this is something I care about, don't mind doing research for, and would really like to get the information out there. Having a guidebook to learn how to manage Bipolar (that might also apply to other mental illnesses) might be helpful to a lot of people. But do I dare? Books are subject to negative attention as well as the positive. Could I handle that? The book is basically already outlined, and many of the chapters already written. If I went for it, I might have it finished by the end of the year.

I think I'm afraid of success on this one. If I did it- I'd fulfill a life-long dream, and I'd have something ready if I find another friend who needs support. But, do I dare?

Domino Effect

 On a story like today/s, it's a little difficult to find the beginning. One might say that it started with my Fall Depression crash in September... you know, the one that continued through December... seemed to go away, but came right back again. Some might say it started even before that- when the world sort of fell apart because of COVID-19... way back in February and March.

I guess even in trying to find the beginning, one might question what exactly started the whole thing. Was it caused by the stress? Or did it start with my Bipolar cycle?

In any case, it started at one point and just kept getting worse- adding little domino pieces to the trail, until it completely covered every aspect of my life.

For the sake of argument, we'll start with when the world fell apart with COVID. Though I feel like my family has dealt well with such a stress and all the lifestyle changes we had to make... like everyone... stress is something everyone had to deal with. I have a terrible habit of not recognizing when I'm stressed, so I tend to bottle it up until it explodes either emotionally or physically. First few months, I was a little high-strung, but mostly okay.

Then came my annual Depressive crash. This crash kept me low, hard on myself, and eventually during the depression, Brain Fog kicked in. I have never been acquainted with the name of this condition till this past year. It is exactly what it sounds like. My brain just gets foggy. I can be in the middle of a conversation, and stop in the middle of a sentence with no recollection of what I was talking about, or why I was talking about. I lose very easy words- they just go completely out of my head. You know the feeling of going to another room to get something and forget what it is and you keep having to go back and forth till you discover the reason? That's what it feels like in basically every room and every conversation. I have forgotten where I'm driving. I tried saying my prayers the other night... about something very important... I was on my knees for over 1/2 hour because my mind kept wandering and I couldn't remember what I was trying to ask for. Eventually, I had to end the prayer with saying nothing. 

The Fall Depression has since cleared... but the Brain Fog persists. It might have gone away for a couple weeks, but it is back... What I think is that the first time it came around, it was caused by Bipolar, but as I started having other issues, the brain fog stuck around. And brain fog , as you can imagine, causes all sorts of problems... like missing doctor appointments... or taking your night pills instead of your day pills... yes, both have happened with me.

So, this second episode of Brain Fog is due, I believe, to my sleep apnea. I've had obstructive sleep apnea for about 7 or so years. I struggled with keeping the CPAP on my face all the way during the night. I used a oral appliance for a while, which worked until I started gaining weight... now I've got congestion, closed off airways because of the added weight, a small passageway. Even sleeping upright with the oral appliance, I don't get a good nights sleep. I have to have naps almost every day again- even up to 3.5 hours. Again, if you don't have good sleep, lots of negative things happen. I wake up with headaches every day that Tylenol does nothing for. I've had a headache now for almost a week straight.

(I am seeing my sleep specialist later today... hopefully we'll find a treatment that will work for me.)

And then, there's the stress added onto everything else. The days all run together. Recently, my nephew was diagnosed with ALL Leukemia. The boy is only 2 1/2 years old. His family is young with 3 boys under 7. Having cancer so close in the family brought my back to memory lane (but not the pleasant one). I remembered when my husband, Jake, was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma... Cancer royally sucks. I cried remembering the burden that was on my shoulders emotionally... and I cried for My Sister-in-law- and Brother-in-law, and mostly for my nephew. It's at the forefront of my memory now... causing a lot of hard emotions. My Brother-in-law (a different one) is creating a gofundme to help with their medical bills- when it's ready, I'll include it in the facebook page if you feel so inclined to donate. I know it would be very much appreciated.

So, in addition to the stress I was already under with COVID, I've been very emotional about my nephew, and my other health issues, not to mention health issues for my daughters. It turns out, one of my girls might need brain surgery. That's not a big deal or anything. I mean, it is most likely she won't need it... but the possibility can cause a lot of stress just by itself. 

Stress can cause physical ailments. Off and on for about a week, I've had knots in my stomach- very tender to the touch... that just don't seem to want to go away. I can't eat three meals a day because i get so much inflammation in my abdomen. Yes, I have appointments for those doctors, too. In fact, I have doctors appointments for my and my girls every day for the next week and a half.

I'm just waiting for the first domino to topple over and send the rest of them down to trigger my nervous breakdown. I'm barely holding it together... My mantra for today? One thing at a time...

Nature vs Nurture

For last week's post, I was caught up in trying to find one incident that caused my haunting life-long thought: I'm not good enough... And Jake helped me remember the other half. Last week was all about nurture- this week, its all about nature... and things make a lot more sense putting those together.

First- genetics. Bipolar is a passed down genetically. I know it got passed down- because my brother has it as well. I know it's from my mother's side of the family because 4 people have confided in me their various mental illnesses, Bipolar being among them.

Second- early signs of Bipolar. Bipolar has a few characteristics that I have wondered about. Usually, Bipolar doesn't kick in till late teens/early 20s. Though some people believe in childhood bipolar, others think it doesn't exist in childhood. I have a couple memories that these facts sort of play a part in. One was when I was pretty young. I think my day was totally fine- nothing big happened, but by the time I got home from school, I was in serious tears... for no reason... I recognize this might have been one of my first times with PMS. But it really felt like there was more to it than that.

The other "example" was just how much I took onto my shoulders in high school. I was part of marching band and pep band, was a member of band council, played in 2 orchestras (one before school, and one after school), and would fit in a musical here and there (either playing in the pit orchestra or being on stage dancing and trying hard to win a part). I had a science teacher that told my mom I had an aptitude for science and really had a future if I wanted to pursue it. (I will admit here that I had absolutely ZERO aptitude for math...I was never good at math). I was an amazing overachiever in high school... and got my fingers into anything I could. It is possible all of this was me trying to earn the validation that I wanted or felt I needed. But, I got away with all of it, and still got decent grades. If you ask me, this all smells of a prolonged manic episode; all the energy with a clear head, thinking I was amazing (I was really only mediocre at any of these skills), in addition to being extra extroverted and flirty. Maybe this was my first actual experience with mania... before the whole experience of it kicked in.

Third- distorted thought patterns. I know that distorted thinking can happen with or without a mental illness, but I think it happens more often in those with a predisposition of mental illness. I know for a fact that this was part of the problem for me growing up. My whole family knew it. Everyone asked me all the time why I took everything so personally like it was a deliberate choice on my end to be difficult and selfish or something. I wish I knew at the time it was a way of thinking that happened naturally, but could be changed... not that there would be much I could do to change it as a kid, but maybe it would leave a more forgiving attitude between myself and my family.

Just like this last paragraph illustrates, the interaction between nature and nurture can all boil down to just a misunderstanding, but if there is no efforts in understanding it, it can create a negative thought about oneself. I think just doing it once is something that can be more easily overcome... but if it's something that happens repeatedly or similarly and it doesn't get resolved, it creates a negative cycle that reinforces the same distorted thought, turning it into a negative belief about yourself.

This makes so much sense to me. Though having an explanation by itself doesn't fix it. I hope I can get there and change that belief. I want to belief I'm good enough. I want to believe I don't have to earn anyone's love or validation.

My childhood shadow

 I've been through therapy lots of times. I've been taken step by step through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with lots of my thoughts before... but I guess this time, we are adding another layer to it. Or it could be we're doing something different to help me through this step.

I take a thought/belief and apply it to a younger version of me. Do I want her to have that thought? Do I approach it differently? Where does that thought come from? Beliefs come from all different aspects/places of our lives. Many beliefs come from our family of origin or our religion. And when I say beliefs, I mean any belief that I have about myself, not necessarily a religious one (but those can be included). The belief that stands out the most to me is that one you all have already been introduced to: "I am not good enough".

Though I can not pinpoint the exact moment in time when I started believing such a destroying thought, I do know it's been a lifetime of trying to overcome/overcompensate for it. I always felt like a black sheep in my family. I stood out- apparently in all the wrong ways. I would try the craziest ways to "earn" my parents validation and love... It's not because they were bad parents- they were very good parents... I just felt different from everyone and didn't know how to feel completely accepted, unless I was doing everything they wanted me to... even though they didn't match with who I was... or who I am. I still try to earn their validation. 

I just wish I could talk my younger self through a different belief- to believe enough in herself that getting the validation of others was not necessary. Or that it was okay to feel different than others in your family.

How could I have better armed her to fight for herself throughout her life? She kept searching for that feeling of validation, and would take it where she could get it, which would get her into trouble sometimes. It did make me feel what I needed, but it never lasted very long. Even now, with a family of my own, even with their full validation, the same original thought haunts me: "I am not enough". If only I could go back in time and correct the situation where the thought first came... where the thought would forever take away my validation.

I hope I can learn how to change it now...