On a story like today/s, it's a little difficult to find the beginning. One might say that it started with my Fall Depression crash in September... you know, the one that continued through December... seemed to go away, but came right back again. Some might say it started even before that- when the world sort of fell apart because of COVID-19... way back in February and March.
I guess even in trying to find the beginning, one might question what exactly started the whole thing. Was it caused by the stress? Or did it start with my Bipolar cycle?
In any case, it started at one point and just kept getting worse- adding little domino pieces to the trail, until it completely covered every aspect of my life.
For the sake of argument, we'll start with when the world fell apart with COVID. Though I feel like my family has dealt well with such a stress and all the lifestyle changes we had to make... like everyone... stress is something everyone had to deal with. I have a terrible habit of not recognizing when I'm stressed, so I tend to bottle it up until it explodes either emotionally or physically. First few months, I was a little high-strung, but mostly okay.
Then came my annual Depressive crash. This crash kept me low, hard on myself, and eventually during the depression, Brain Fog kicked in. I have never been acquainted with the name of this condition till this past year. It is exactly what it sounds like. My brain just gets foggy. I can be in the middle of a conversation, and stop in the middle of a sentence with no recollection of what I was talking about, or why I was talking about. I lose very easy words- they just go completely out of my head. You know the feeling of going to another room to get something and forget what it is and you keep having to go back and forth till you discover the reason? That's what it feels like in basically every room and every conversation. I have forgotten where I'm driving. I tried saying my prayers the other night... about something very important... I was on my knees for over 1/2 hour because my mind kept wandering and I couldn't remember what I was trying to ask for. Eventually, I had to end the prayer with saying nothing.
The Fall Depression has since cleared... but the Brain Fog persists. It might have gone away for a couple weeks, but it is back... What I think is that the first time it came around, it was caused by Bipolar, but as I started having other issues, the brain fog stuck around. And brain fog , as you can imagine, causes all sorts of problems... like missing doctor appointments... or taking your night pills instead of your day pills... yes, both have happened with me.
So, this second episode of Brain Fog is due, I believe, to my sleep apnea. I've had obstructive sleep apnea for about 7 or so years. I struggled with keeping the CPAP on my face all the way during the night. I used a oral appliance for a while, which worked until I started gaining weight... now I've got congestion, closed off airways because of the added weight, a small passageway. Even sleeping upright with the oral appliance, I don't get a good nights sleep. I have to have naps almost every day again- even up to 3.5 hours. Again, if you don't have good sleep, lots of negative things happen. I wake up with headaches every day that Tylenol does nothing for. I've had a headache now for almost a week straight.
(I am seeing my sleep specialist later today... hopefully we'll find a treatment that will work for me.)
And then, there's the stress added onto everything else. The days all run together. Recently, my nephew was diagnosed with ALL Leukemia. The boy is only 2 1/2 years old. His family is young with 3 boys under 7. Having cancer so close in the family brought my back to memory lane (but not the pleasant one). I remembered when my husband, Jake, was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma... Cancer royally sucks. I cried remembering the burden that was on my shoulders emotionally... and I cried for My Sister-in-law- and Brother-in-law, and mostly for my nephew. It's at the forefront of my memory now... causing a lot of hard emotions. My Brother-in-law (a different one) is creating a gofundme to help with their medical bills- when it's ready, I'll include it in the facebook page if you feel so inclined to donate. I know it would be very much appreciated.
So, in addition to the stress I was already under with COVID, I've been very emotional about my nephew, and my other health issues, not to mention health issues for my daughters. It turns out, one of my girls might need brain surgery. That's not a big deal or anything. I mean, it is most likely she won't need it... but the possibility can cause a lot of stress just by itself.
Stress can cause physical ailments. Off and on for about a week, I've had knots in my stomach- very tender to the touch... that just don't seem to want to go away. I can't eat three meals a day because i get so much inflammation in my abdomen. Yes, I have appointments for those doctors, too. In fact, I have doctors appointments for my and my girls every day for the next week and a half.
I'm just waiting for the first domino to topple over and send the rest of them down to trigger my nervous breakdown. I'm barely holding it together... My mantra for today? One thing at a time...
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