My childhood shadow

 I've been through therapy lots of times. I've been taken step by step through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with lots of my thoughts before... but I guess this time, we are adding another layer to it. Or it could be we're doing something different to help me through this step.

I take a thought/belief and apply it to a younger version of me. Do I want her to have that thought? Do I approach it differently? Where does that thought come from? Beliefs come from all different aspects/places of our lives. Many beliefs come from our family of origin or our religion. And when I say beliefs, I mean any belief that I have about myself, not necessarily a religious one (but those can be included). The belief that stands out the most to me is that one you all have already been introduced to: "I am not good enough".

Though I can not pinpoint the exact moment in time when I started believing such a destroying thought, I do know it's been a lifetime of trying to overcome/overcompensate for it. I always felt like a black sheep in my family. I stood out- apparently in all the wrong ways. I would try the craziest ways to "earn" my parents validation and love... It's not because they were bad parents- they were very good parents... I just felt different from everyone and didn't know how to feel completely accepted, unless I was doing everything they wanted me to... even though they didn't match with who I was... or who I am. I still try to earn their validation. 

I just wish I could talk my younger self through a different belief- to believe enough in herself that getting the validation of others was not necessary. Or that it was okay to feel different than others in your family.

How could I have better armed her to fight for herself throughout her life? She kept searching for that feeling of validation, and would take it where she could get it, which would get her into trouble sometimes. It did make me feel what I needed, but it never lasted very long. Even now, with a family of my own, even with their full validation, the same original thought haunts me: "I am not enough". If only I could go back in time and correct the situation where the thought first came... where the thought would forever take away my validation.

I hope I can learn how to change it now...