Consistently inconsistent

 It's the one thing I do best. I'm inconsistent. I really wish I wasn't... but it just sort of comes with with the Bipolar territory. I have a really good schedule for you for my facebook page. I do really well for a couple months... March hits, and I "change my mind". I still want to deliver the information I have prepared for you, but circumstances change, and I'm left with not enough time in the day.

It was my weight again. I got a partner in crime, my sister, who motivated me to get back to the gym. I got a membership, and I got a trainer. I know myself- I'm more productive in the morning- AND I've entered a more hypomanic phase of Bipolar. I know I can get more done/be more productive if I exercise in the morning. In the morning was when I mostly got my entries done as well... so by having something else in the morning to (desperately) focus on, I lost focus on the page and the blog. But I'm kind of done apologizing for it. This is how my Bipolar plays out. I do what I can, and hope that I help someone along my very scattered path.

So it's been a few months focusing on nutrition and exercise. I lost 2% body fat, but no weight off the scale. I have various people telling me how to eat (to lose weight, but also to fix acid reflux and IBS). A nutritionist is even telling me I need to cut calories to the point of starvation. I'm not sure I should follow that advice. Everyone's idea of weight loss eating conflicts with everyone else's. I was hoping to find an eating plan that has subtle enough changes that I can actually follow through with. Something realistic that I can stick by for the rest of my life. A true lifestyle change.

Unfortunately, I recognize that I might be at the point of serious radical change on what I can and can't eat. You see, once I started exercising again, my reflux problem got worse and worse. I'm not having acid come back up so much, but a lot of fluid likes to just sit in my esophagus, and some regurgitation. I need to burp a lot during exercise, and every time I actually do, a bit of something goes into my esophagus. 

I've learned that if that "something" is acid, a surgery can fix it just for extreme acid reflux. If, however, that "something in my esophagus" is NOT acid, like bile, or food, the surgery won't do any good. I haven't heard what it might be, but I will be doing a procedure in about a month that will tell us if it's acid or not. Of course, my imagination/ Bipolar distorted thinking is telling me this is worse case scenario... blah, blah, blah. I keep trying to tell myself it's nothing... it's fixable- because that's what I'm supposed to tell myself when it's distorted thinking. Once as a teenager, I was told that I have the ability to keep a peace of mind. At times like now, I wish that ability were something I could just call upon whenever.

And now, all week, I've been in a dysfunctional breakdown. I'm sure it's a mixed episode. My energy is zapped, I'm dizzy all the time, having a small bit of brain fog, lots of desire to be  productive, but having very little motivation (enough today to get something done). I can't count on myself to do anything in a certain time frame, or a certain way. It always takes me a while to figure me out- or my brain out, but there is no rhyme or reason as to when I have an episode or backwards thinking or when I'm in working order, or when I'm dysfunctional. It's really frustrating for me to not be able to count on myself... and it kills me when others can't count on me.

As sort of a side-note... I have been informed that in July of this year, those of you who have an email subscription to my blog won't be getting email notifications anymore to this blog.

The Turn of the Tides

Can I just tell you how good I feel? Just by saying that, I know hypomania is setting in. And hypomania is setting in because my body is finally sure that springtime is close- time to come out of hibernation.

I had been super depressed about my weight again, because I gained everything back that I lost last year. And I expect to lose again this fall when depression fatigue hits me again, but this time, I have a plan. I'm going to work extra hard to lose the weight, hopefully lose more than last year, and try to keep some habits going (this will take some planning) well enough that I don't gain that much back. You see? It's kind of a two steps forward, one step back sort of deal.

And I know what you're thinking- just keep the same habits all year. You know that doesn't work for me. When depressed like I am every fall/winter, my body is useless. I'm so tired that I can't move much during the day... and I feel so ugly and worthless that I can't see the point of keeping myself healthy... and even when I do see the point, my head is filled with so much nonsense and distorted thinking that I feel completely defeated like there's actually a person in there abusing me.

But the tables have turned for a minute. I have energy and that feeling that I CAN and I WILL accomplish my weight loss goals. I was at a standstill for a minute until I was texting my sister yesterday. She has similar feelings about it all, and we decided to team up. Right off the bat, I felt a surge of motivation. I've never had a weight loss partner before. I already feel stronger in my goals and the entire process. And since we're sisters, our bodies have similar weight patterns. We understand each other on a different level. AH! I'm excited.

So excited, in fact, that this morning, after seeing the kids off to school, I jumped in the car and went to the local gym. I was impressed by their membership (lack of) fees, and I purchased a membership for myself. BIG step in the right direction, right? I texted my sister right away to tell her, and she gave me a tip on how to stop cravings. This is going to be a good partnership, I think... even though I live in the Northeast, and she lives in the Southeast. The sweetheart even bought a fitbit for me (she called it an early birthday present).

Now, the downside to my day was that with all my intentions to get moving, I still spent most of it on the couch. But planning and preparation need to happen, too... I don't know what else I need to prepare, but we'll see. 

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with an ENT. I'm still struggling getting enough oxygen when I sleep, even though I'm actually wearing the CPAP machine all night now. A while back, another ENT told me I had a narrow nasal passageway, so I'm going to see if that can be open ed up, and if there is something I can do for my dry nose (like my dry eyes, and my dry mouth that are being treated, some of my Bipolar meds are causing issues) to help clear everything out so that more air can flow.

And I think I've decided after that appointment, I might go wander about the gym... and try an elliptical for maybe 5 minutes... and maybe try the tanning booth- just to get a little "sun" for a minute.

I'm going to do this, you guys. The way I'm feeling today- nothing can stop me... but I also know it's Bipolar talking.

A Little Hypomania

You know what a strange feeling is? Feeling very tired, but also feeling elevated... even hypomanic. Usually hypomania goes with being very awake/alert. I'm more alert than I usually am when I'm tired, but not to the point I usually am  when I'm hypomanic.

My brain has been talking at me all day, keeping me active, helping me feel productive, but not screaming at me to take over the world. I still have feelings of being sleepy, and have had my moments of just staring off into space, but the talking keeps going. I have designed and organized my new master closet- which will not be taking place for a number of years. I have planned on which bookshelf and totes to buy to continue to organize my craft room (an ongoing process)... and have convinced myself I have unknowingly stumbled upon my new look.  See, I've been growing my hair out just to prove I can (this is probably the 20th time I've tried)... and am about ready to dye it red again (another frequent occurrence when hypomania comes around). A friend of mine saw me last night after months of no contact, and she didn't even recognize me. I love it when that happens...

 So, keep growing my hair out. Dye it red. I showered last night and my hair was still wet when I went to bed. I've been trying to use my CPAP again to help me sleep , and all the straps around my head created waves in my hair... so today, it's a little wild, and is giving me the idea to put a soft perm in my hair as part of my new look.

Also, I don't need them all the time, but I'm starting to use glasses again. My right eye is still mostly good, and definitely compensates for my left, but things are starting to get fuzzy far away, so I put them on when I want/need a little more clarity, especially when I drive at night.  So, this is part of my new look, too. And I got a bunch of new clothes for Christmas (and the first government stimulus check)... with a whole bunch of cardigans. 

Now let me lose about 50 pounds and I'm a new woman! Yes, though I know I can't lose weight that fast, it doesn't stop me from trying to find a quick solution. Hypomania wants solutions NOW, and is willing to pay just about any amount for it.

(Jake and I have decided I should stay home today, because we both know I would spend money we don't have)

So, all that is where my brain has been. A little productivity along those lines, too.... But mostly what I've done is still a lot of sitting in front of the Television watching movies, while I jot down whatever idea is floating into my head. And even though I'm tired; fat chance I'll be having a nap today.

What a strange feeling... I'll let you know if the makeover fully happens.

Do I dare?

 I've noticed my posts lately have been more on the negative side. You could call it negative. You could just call it life. This is my life experience. Anyone with a mental illness has a lot of mental battles to fight- and we need to get it out sometimes. I need this blog to help me vent. I'm not trying to prove I have it worse off than anyone else. It's just really hard to live with a mental illness (or a few). I want my audience out there to know I'm just trying to be real. I'm trying to be a voice... a voice for myself so that others might understand me more (and the more I talk about it, the more I realize I'm the one in control here-not my illness)... and a voice for others who are maybe more introverted or scared to speak for themselves- you are not alone.

That being said, there are positive sides here, too. Learning to deal with these mental illnesses (and continuing to learn... there will never be an end to this learning) has given me strength, compassion, self-control (to a degree... definitely NOT when it comes to chocolate), and a lot of insight into myself and sometimes those around me.

Within the past month, I have learned of two dear friends who have been diagnosed with a mental illness or two. My mind immediately went back to that space of time when I knew I had bipolar, but I didn't know you could do anything about it, and I didn't want my friends to have to struggle as much as I did, so I put together some ideas that I thought were the most helpful in knowing when dealing with something this difficult. Whether or not they use it is up to them... and I know the way they deal will be different than how I deal. But, I wanted them to have a positive start... something I wish I had when I was first diagnosed.

This got me to thinking. I know mine is only one experience, but that experience and knowledge might be valuable to more people than just me and my friends. I wonder if it would be valuable to enough people to warrant writing a book about it.

Every time I bring it up, I immediately doubt myself. But ever since I was little, I've wanted to publish a book... and this is something I care about, don't mind doing research for, and would really like to get the information out there. Having a guidebook to learn how to manage Bipolar (that might also apply to other mental illnesses) might be helpful to a lot of people. But do I dare? Books are subject to negative attention as well as the positive. Could I handle that? The book is basically already outlined, and many of the chapters already written. If I went for it, I might have it finished by the end of the year.

I think I'm afraid of success on this one. If I did it- I'd fulfill a life-long dream, and I'd have something ready if I find another friend who needs support. But, do I dare?

Domino Effect

 On a story like today/s, it's a little difficult to find the beginning. One might say that it started with my Fall Depression crash in September... you know, the one that continued through December... seemed to go away, but came right back again. Some might say it started even before that- when the world sort of fell apart because of COVID-19... way back in February and March.

I guess even in trying to find the beginning, one might question what exactly started the whole thing. Was it caused by the stress? Or did it start with my Bipolar cycle?

In any case, it started at one point and just kept getting worse- adding little domino pieces to the trail, until it completely covered every aspect of my life.

For the sake of argument, we'll start with when the world fell apart with COVID. Though I feel like my family has dealt well with such a stress and all the lifestyle changes we had to make... like everyone... stress is something everyone had to deal with. I have a terrible habit of not recognizing when I'm stressed, so I tend to bottle it up until it explodes either emotionally or physically. First few months, I was a little high-strung, but mostly okay.

Then came my annual Depressive crash. This crash kept me low, hard on myself, and eventually during the depression, Brain Fog kicked in. I have never been acquainted with the name of this condition till this past year. It is exactly what it sounds like. My brain just gets foggy. I can be in the middle of a conversation, and stop in the middle of a sentence with no recollection of what I was talking about, or why I was talking about. I lose very easy words- they just go completely out of my head. You know the feeling of going to another room to get something and forget what it is and you keep having to go back and forth till you discover the reason? That's what it feels like in basically every room and every conversation. I have forgotten where I'm driving. I tried saying my prayers the other night... about something very important... I was on my knees for over 1/2 hour because my mind kept wandering and I couldn't remember what I was trying to ask for. Eventually, I had to end the prayer with saying nothing. 

The Fall Depression has since cleared... but the Brain Fog persists. It might have gone away for a couple weeks, but it is back... What I think is that the first time it came around, it was caused by Bipolar, but as I started having other issues, the brain fog stuck around. And brain fog , as you can imagine, causes all sorts of problems... like missing doctor appointments... or taking your night pills instead of your day pills... yes, both have happened with me.

So, this second episode of Brain Fog is due, I believe, to my sleep apnea. I've had obstructive sleep apnea for about 7 or so years. I struggled with keeping the CPAP on my face all the way during the night. I used a oral appliance for a while, which worked until I started gaining weight... now I've got congestion, closed off airways because of the added weight, a small passageway. Even sleeping upright with the oral appliance, I don't get a good nights sleep. I have to have naps almost every day again- even up to 3.5 hours. Again, if you don't have good sleep, lots of negative things happen. I wake up with headaches every day that Tylenol does nothing for. I've had a headache now for almost a week straight.

(I am seeing my sleep specialist later today... hopefully we'll find a treatment that will work for me.)

And then, there's the stress added onto everything else. The days all run together. Recently, my nephew was diagnosed with ALL Leukemia. The boy is only 2 1/2 years old. His family is young with 3 boys under 7. Having cancer so close in the family brought my back to memory lane (but not the pleasant one). I remembered when my husband, Jake, was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma... Cancer royally sucks. I cried remembering the burden that was on my shoulders emotionally... and I cried for My Sister-in-law- and Brother-in-law, and mostly for my nephew. It's at the forefront of my memory now... causing a lot of hard emotions. My Brother-in-law (a different one) is creating a gofundme to help with their medical bills- when it's ready, I'll include it in the facebook page if you feel so inclined to donate. I know it would be very much appreciated.

So, in addition to the stress I was already under with COVID, I've been very emotional about my nephew, and my other health issues, not to mention health issues for my daughters. It turns out, one of my girls might need brain surgery. That's not a big deal or anything. I mean, it is most likely she won't need it... but the possibility can cause a lot of stress just by itself. 

Stress can cause physical ailments. Off and on for about a week, I've had knots in my stomach- very tender to the touch... that just don't seem to want to go away. I can't eat three meals a day because i get so much inflammation in my abdomen. Yes, I have appointments for those doctors, too. In fact, I have doctors appointments for my and my girls every day for the next week and a half.

I'm just waiting for the first domino to topple over and send the rest of them down to trigger my nervous breakdown. I'm barely holding it together... My mantra for today? One thing at a time...

Nature vs Nurture

For last week's post, I was caught up in trying to find one incident that caused my haunting life-long thought: I'm not good enough... And Jake helped me remember the other half. Last week was all about nurture- this week, its all about nature... and things make a lot more sense putting those together.

First- genetics. Bipolar is a passed down genetically. I know it got passed down- because my brother has it as well. I know it's from my mother's side of the family because 4 people have confided in me their various mental illnesses, Bipolar being among them.

Second- early signs of Bipolar. Bipolar has a few characteristics that I have wondered about. Usually, Bipolar doesn't kick in till late teens/early 20s. Though some people believe in childhood bipolar, others think it doesn't exist in childhood. I have a couple memories that these facts sort of play a part in. One was when I was pretty young. I think my day was totally fine- nothing big happened, but by the time I got home from school, I was in serious tears... for no reason... I recognize this might have been one of my first times with PMS. But it really felt like there was more to it than that.

The other "example" was just how much I took onto my shoulders in high school. I was part of marching band and pep band, was a member of band council, played in 2 orchestras (one before school, and one after school), and would fit in a musical here and there (either playing in the pit orchestra or being on stage dancing and trying hard to win a part). I had a science teacher that told my mom I had an aptitude for science and really had a future if I wanted to pursue it. (I will admit here that I had absolutely ZERO aptitude for math...I was never good at math). I was an amazing overachiever in high school... and got my fingers into anything I could. It is possible all of this was me trying to earn the validation that I wanted or felt I needed. But, I got away with all of it, and still got decent grades. If you ask me, this all smells of a prolonged manic episode; all the energy with a clear head, thinking I was amazing (I was really only mediocre at any of these skills), in addition to being extra extroverted and flirty. Maybe this was my first actual experience with mania... before the whole experience of it kicked in.

Third- distorted thought patterns. I know that distorted thinking can happen with or without a mental illness, but I think it happens more often in those with a predisposition of mental illness. I know for a fact that this was part of the problem for me growing up. My whole family knew it. Everyone asked me all the time why I took everything so personally like it was a deliberate choice on my end to be difficult and selfish or something. I wish I knew at the time it was a way of thinking that happened naturally, but could be changed... not that there would be much I could do to change it as a kid, but maybe it would leave a more forgiving attitude between myself and my family.

Just like this last paragraph illustrates, the interaction between nature and nurture can all boil down to just a misunderstanding, but if there is no efforts in understanding it, it can create a negative thought about oneself. I think just doing it once is something that can be more easily overcome... but if it's something that happens repeatedly or similarly and it doesn't get resolved, it creates a negative cycle that reinforces the same distorted thought, turning it into a negative belief about yourself.

This makes so much sense to me. Though having an explanation by itself doesn't fix it. I hope I can get there and change that belief. I want to belief I'm good enough. I want to believe I don't have to earn anyone's love or validation.

My childhood shadow

 I've been through therapy lots of times. I've been taken step by step through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with lots of my thoughts before... but I guess this time, we are adding another layer to it. Or it could be we're doing something different to help me through this step.

I take a thought/belief and apply it to a younger version of me. Do I want her to have that thought? Do I approach it differently? Where does that thought come from? Beliefs come from all different aspects/places of our lives. Many beliefs come from our family of origin or our religion. And when I say beliefs, I mean any belief that I have about myself, not necessarily a religious one (but those can be included). The belief that stands out the most to me is that one you all have already been introduced to: "I am not good enough".

Though I can not pinpoint the exact moment in time when I started believing such a destroying thought, I do know it's been a lifetime of trying to overcome/overcompensate for it. I always felt like a black sheep in my family. I stood out- apparently in all the wrong ways. I would try the craziest ways to "earn" my parents validation and love... It's not because they were bad parents- they were very good parents... I just felt different from everyone and didn't know how to feel completely accepted, unless I was doing everything they wanted me to... even though they didn't match with who I was... or who I am. I still try to earn their validation. 

I just wish I could talk my younger self through a different belief- to believe enough in herself that getting the validation of others was not necessary. Or that it was okay to feel different than others in your family.

How could I have better armed her to fight for herself throughout her life? She kept searching for that feeling of validation, and would take it where she could get it, which would get her into trouble sometimes. It did make me feel what I needed, but it never lasted very long. Even now, with a family of my own, even with their full validation, the same original thought haunts me: "I am not enough". If only I could go back in time and correct the situation where the thought first came... where the thought would forever take away my validation.

I hope I can learn how to change it now...