Suicidal Thoughts

I sat alone- very lonely- feeling useless- that my life was pointless, and that I was causing more harm than good. No matter what anyone said to me, I couldn’t feel loved- only emptiness. My mind started wandering, and with what felt like a completely natural thought process, they began:

“If I were to commit suicide- how would I do it? I’m too much of a baby to use a gun or a knife, or do anything really violent. I just want to go quietly. Maybe I would just take every pill we have in the house. Or maybe I will turn on the car and breath in the toxins till I fall asleep. Maybe I’ll just do both- to make sure it works.”

These thoughts came more than once, but as long as they were just in my head, it wasn’t a big deal. Or so I thought.

Soon after that, I noticed things were not right with my body; I was tired all the time, I felt kind of out of whack, though I don’t really know how to describe it. I figured I needed a dosage change in my bipolar medications, so I went to my new family doctor. I described to her the symptoms I was feeling, and told her I probably need a change in my bipolar medications. Then, kind of as an afterthought, I told her about these thoughts. As I described them to her, I realized the seriousness of what I was saying. Was this really coming out of my mouth? Were those thoughts seriously in MY head?

I watched as the doctor’s jaw dropped, and she stopped her business of typing on the computer. I could tell she was very concerned, and now, so was I. She told me about certain levels of suicidal thinking. There are suicidal thoughts, suicidal planning, and suicidal intentions. Suicidal thoughts, she said, could be something like “I wish I could just disappear” or “my family would be better off without me”. Suicidal planning was exactly where my head was- how would I do it? Even though I had a plan, I had no intentions of carrying it out. It just felt like normal wondering… And Suicidal intentions are just that- real intent to follow through and carry out my plans.

This is not an easy subject to write about, but I have felt for some time that it needed to be done. Suicidal thoughts are real, and can happen to anyone. My experience with suicidal thoughts and suicidal planning scare me to this day. How could I let it get that far? My circumstances were NEVER bad. I’ve ALWAYS had a team of good people surrounding me. It was never an issue with my life circumstances- it was an issue with my mental health. Somehow, that made it worse. A little stigma played into this, too. Somehow, because it’s in my brain, that made the problem inaccessible.

I hope this blog can help be a game changer for someone. The information in this blog in no way replaces getting professional help. It is only meant to help the readers understand a little more about suicide and suicidal thinking.

While attending Women’s Conference in April, I went to a session entitled “Only He Would Know the Intent of the Heart: Understanding Suicide”, which gave me more valuable information to pass on to you. The words of the two speakers will be bolded. My additional thoughts will be in regular or italics.

David Wood

Brother Wood gave lists of information regarding someone who may be at risk for suicide. He said that those at risk:

•  Never says on their own they have suicidal thoughts
• May send clues or invitations
• Part of them is contemplating dying, but part of them also wants to live
• Will usually discuss suicide first with a NON-professional

We were given an introduction to the Interpersonal Theory of Suicide as developed by Dr. Joiner. These were a few of the life-sustaining needs of an at risk people:

• Perceived Burdonsomeness: thoughts along the lines of “People will be better if I’m gone”, “I’m a disappointment to others”, “I’m the reason that others are ___________”
• Thwarted Belongingness: Limited social support/loss of closeness, relationships never materialize, painful disruption in key relationships
• Acquired capabilities: experiences that desensitize to pain and fear, or prior attempts

Don’t be surprised by the following: Brother Wood said it’s okay to ask someone: “Are you thinking about suicide?” It’s easy to assume they won’t answer in the affirmative. But, in asking this, its almost like you’re giving them permission to release a load from their shoulders. Don’t freak out if they do answer yes. The thing is- like in my story above- most people don’t realize the level of severity unless they talk about it. Once they are allowed to talk about it without being judged, they can come to terms with what they need to do on their own (though they might not want to do it alone).

Lisa Leavitt

Sister Leavitt spoke mostly of how to cope when someone you know has committed suicide. She talked about the grieving process: denial, anger, guilt, isolation, confusion, and how these steps all lead towards healing. She wanted everyone to recognize that all these feelings are normal and valid and have no set time limit.

One thing that she said about guilt was that many feel guilty for being angry, and use the phrase “I could have prevented”. While waiting for the class to start, I actually heard someone say “If I had only been a better mother…” My heart broke for this woman. I did not know everything about her story, but it cut straight to my heart that she felt so sure that she could have prevented her son from committing suicide, and blamed herself for it happening. I wanted to wrap her up in love and reassurance. But, I recognize that she is on her own path of finding peace again. I pray that she finds it.

Sister Leavitt also spoke of other things that someone dealing with the suicide of a loved one might be dealing with:

• There will always be unanswered questions
• They may socially withdraw
• They are also dealing with the stigma of suicide (and many avoid the topic altogether)
• They may feel abandoned by God
• They are coping with a great deal of confusion

Knowing these small facts may help us understand what the families and friends have to deal with now that their loved one is gone. It tells me to be more open and loving, and deal with feeling uncomfortable if they need to talk.

Finally Sister Leavitt spoke of the one thing we all know, but is important to reiterate: A Savior was promised. Only He knows the magnitude of our struggles. You have read my words about this topic before, and trust me, this won’t be the last. I know that Christ is my Savior. I know it is in his power to take away my pain, but sometimes He allows me to suffer, and He teaches me in the process if I let Him. I am so grateful to know I am not fighting my battles by myself. I know that Christ suffered in the garden of Gethsemane to take upon him my sins, but to also take upon him my physical pain and my emotional pain. He knows what it feels like to think that there is no way out- to feel completely hopeless and helpless and useless. And he did that so he could be there for ME- and know and understand ME. The acceptance of this is empowering.

With my Savior on my side, I was able to take the necessary steps to getting help. My husband took off work and stayed at home with my kids, so that I could go to the University of Utah Neuropsychiatric Hospital. I felt like I didn't belong at first, but everyone who worked there was so respectful and understanding. The psychiatrist that I was placed with regulated my meds, and my social worker found me a psychologist and a psychiatrist to be my guides as soon as I left the hospital. Have I had suicidal thoughts since? Yes, in all honesty, I have. But, they've been more fleeting because it's been easier to talk about and easier to know what to do when that happens. I am continually in recovery- which is a good place to be.

I hope this has served to give you more understanding of suicide and suicidal thinking. Below is a national crisis number if ever you need help. There is NEVER shame in asking for help. It is a sign of strength.

1 (800) 273-8255