Stress Eating

To manage well a mental illness, one must be very attentive to overall health; mental health and emotional health are vital, but so is physical health. Caring for my body includes ALL of my body, not just my head. Each part connects to the other, therefore affecting every aspect that makes up me.

I've been working very hard this past year to gain a greater physical health. Though "losing weight" has never been top priority, it has always been a hope that taking care of my physical health would result in fewer pounds. After so much work (and with the aid of a weight loss pill- as much as I hate to admit it), I finally dropped 15 pounds- and since being pregnant with my girls, got my weight below 200.

Unfortunately, the pill had to stop (after a certain time, the body gets used to the energy and suppressed appetite to the point that it no longer works). As a result, my eating returned to previous bad habits.

What do I call it? Stress eating? Yes. Comfort eating? Yes. I often have a need to feel productive- always doing something with my hands. If I'm not otherwise occupied, I grab some food- usually something sweet.

Whatever the reason, I return to the feelings of helplessness. I have again gained weight to 200 pounds. I know my eating habits and nutrition need to change- a lifestyle change, not a diet. But a lifestyle change takes longer to adjust for than my patience seems able to handle. I am at an impass.

PTSD

I was at the gym, trying to check in and get my kids situated with kidcare, and a conversation strikes between me and another mom- who we'll call Rose. We talk about our kids and how they adjust (or don't adjust) to babysitters and day cares. She asks me how young my girls were when I started taking them to the gym. Specifically- how they did when they were 6 months.

At first, I gave her the simple answer- "I had emotional issues and was not well enough to come to the gym". I don't remember if I volunteered further information, or if she asked... Either way, the conversation continued. I told her about Bipolar, and how that made me more prone to having Post Partum depression, how I had started planning my suicide, and how my husband and I decided to commit me to UNI (The University of Utah Neuropsychiatric Institute), to help me get better.

I really don't have a problem talking about this kind of thing. Rose sympathized with me, explaining that her sister was also hospitalized for Post Partum Depression and a suicide attempt. She then further described her sister's experience. Even though it's been 6 plus years, her sister experiences PTSD because of it.

We most often associate PTSD with soldiers who have seen death, or had a near death experience. Though this does happen often, PTSD is not restricted to a soldier's experience only. Rose's sister experiences PTSD when she is reminded of her suicide attempt.

My husband also struggles with PTSD because of his cancer experience. At one point during his treatment, he found that he was having symptoms similar to that of the flu or bronchitis. We took him to the doctor, who told him to go to the ER. (We were used to ER trips by this point- we had been several times before- you have to be extra careful with any symptom a cancer patient might have.) He was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia. It ended up being a bad reaction to one of the chemo drugs. It took them a week to figure that out- while he stayed in the hospital.

One particular evening, Jake called me saying he was having a hard time breathing and added he was "afraid to die, and (he) didn't want to die alone." I called my sister to come stay with my son so I could be with Jake. While I was on my way, Jake called the nurses in for help. He couldn't breath. They checked his oxygen levels, which were way below normal. Anything below 90 is concerning- Jake's was 71. He said it felt like the movies: nurses rushing left and right- going as fast as possible to hook him up to oxygen and keep him conscious.

PTSD has followed Jake ever since. He feels extremely high levels of anxiety, sick to his stomach (and otherwise ill) and has to stop whatever he's doing (including pulling the car over if he's driving), just so he can focus on breathing. That day at the hospital was the same day that Micheal Jackson died- every channel at the hospital was tuned in to his life's work. To this day, Jake can't listen to a Micheal Jackson song without feeling the anxiety and flashbacks build.

For the longest time, I didn't realize that anyone other than a soldier could experience PTSD... That is, until Jake was diagnosed. Pretty much anyone who has a psychologically traumatic experience may also have PTSD.

Having PTSD is nothing to feel ashamed about. Get help. Surround yourself with support and love. The effects of PTSD are hard- and real. Know you are not alone.

Anxiety

I've been feeling very weird lately. It's almost like a mixed episode in that I have excess energy, but feeling negative. My stomach is churning and my head is swimming. I feel the constant physical need to sleep, but when given the chance, my sleep is very light- I can't get comfortable and my brain won't shut up! In fact, my brain and thoughts are going so fast and are so disorganized that I can't really think. I'm not able to slow down despite my efforts doing meditations, deep breathing exercises, etc. Might this be what torture feels like?

Our lives have been in constant flux for a while now. I've been thinking/hoping that we'd have a solution by now, but we were just told the opposite. We are losing stability and control, despite our best efforts- and I'm at a loss.

I do my charting every night like a good girl. I keep track of my medications (which I take faithfully every day), my mood swings within a day, when I go to therapy, my menstrual cycle, my irritability levels- and something that I've never really noticed until recently: anxiety. My levels of anxiety have been crawling upward.

But- Knowledge is empowering; my husband and I are starting to understand how anxiety can play a role in my bipolar state of being. It's never really been an issue before, but our lives are so up in the air lately that I think it has finally made its way into my disorder. As we have read today, it's possible for anxiety to replace depression in a mixed episode. So I'm having symptoms of hypomania and symptoms of anxiety. I really don't like this feeling... This racing of my brain that's so disorganized and unfocused I feel like throwing up because there are no answers. At least with hypomania, I have a grasp on (and find answers to) my racing thoughts. But I guess it's another facet of Bipolar that I get to learn about. Gee- lucky me.

Genius idea

I've seen research through many sources that express a link between Bipolar and creativity... Especially during a manic or hypomanic episode. My therapist even said that some companies will specifically  look for a Bipolar employee just for their "creative genius".

Every now and then, I have what I call a "genius idea"- at least it feels that way to me in the moment. I want to keep track of them, and re-evaluate them later to see if they're as genius as they feel in the moment.

Anyway...

I'm throwing myself a birthday party- is that tacky? I feel like it might be a while before I can do something like this for myself again. I'm inviting a lot of people- so that no one gets their feelings hurt, and so I can pretend I have a lot of friends. (I've never been very good at keeping relationships going- is that a Bipolar thing?)

For a long time... Years, even... I've wanted to do an Alice in Wonderland themed party. I'm calling it my Mad Hatter Tea Party. Oddly appropriate, wouldn't you say? Some things the Mad Hatter says are so perfect:

I totally agree.

I'm also making a bunch of decorations, have a fun craft activity planned; I even borrowed my parents croquet set- how perfect is that?

And today, as I was framing some Alice Images for decorations, I had a signature Bipolar "genius idea". I'm thinking a lot about having a mental illness, and how some might seriously call that being "mad" or "crazy". I believe we all have a little "crazy" in us, whether it's certifiable, or just qwerky. But, not many know how to handle their own mental health issue... And I thought- "GENIUS!!!" I would LOVE to travel around and teach people about mental health, and how to manage any issues that may arise (depression, anxiety, etc) I'd love to show them an attitude of- "you're still a normal person", and "dealing with any mental issue is doable- and it's okay. You're okay." "Stigma has no power over you". And I would do all of this in a "Mad Hatter Tea Party" setting with lots of colorful decorations, and teacups and me in a giant Mad Hatter hat- to make it fun and optimistic and normal. I hope this could help to lessen the stigma, help change people's attitudes towards mental illness, and have a greater desire and understanding of caring for their own mental health.

My first impression was to do this for the Relief Society (the organization for women in the LDS church). If it went well, I'd take it anywhere that would have me.

Mixed Episodes

What you just "witnessed" through my last entry was a full-blown bipolar episode. I have been slowly coming down from the 6 months I've been in hypo mania. One can only sustain that kind of energy level for so long. But then, something happened that "triggered" something in my brain- and on came the distorted thinking patterns.

We've been expecting an episode for a while now, and because it was so short (though it felt like forever), I expect another one will come soon.

It's different than you may think. It was obviously not a manic, or hypo manic episode, but- NEWS FLASH- it wasn't a depressive episode, either. What you read was a mixed episode. It contained elements of both depression (like the feelings of worthlessness, pain, helpless, hopeless, etc) AND hypomania (lots of frantic energy, a sense of urgency and importance blown out of proportion).

(A side note: I've been told that mixed episodes are the most concerning to doctors. In a mixed episode- though not every time- it's easy to feel horrible about yourself, and still have enough energy to "do something" about those feelings. Result: suicide.) (No, I'm not in that place, but you should know it's a very real issue.)

Don't misread this like I did as I learned about Bipolar- just because this episode was triggered does NOT mean my feelings were not real. The trigger merely brought those feelings to the surface, and amplified them a bit. I'm not "being dramatic", I'm not "trying to get attention"; when in an episode- how I think and feel is very real. And they are at least partially true. Maybe it seems silly to you, or superficial, or dramatic, or whatever. But my brain, at that time, is telling me it is more dire/serious/hopeless as I say it is. If you can't believe the seriousness of what I feel, then believe that bipolar has a very real say in how I feel. I say all the time that perception is reality- and that's true for everyone- not just those who have a mental illness.

My wonderful husband frequently tries to bring me closer to reality by questioning where those thoughts come from. Overall, presenting different perspectives and pointing out distorted thinking can at first, piss me off, but in the end, it helps because I want to be well. It's an agreement that we have to help me overcome an episode more quickly. It's kind of like he's my life coach. He knows I might bite his head off for any feedback he might give me- but it helps me question my thoughts- which is a necessary step to regaining a sense of stability.

Another thing mixed episodes do is make me extremely irritable. I've talked to people about this before- irritability levels are a hazard to us. Yes- I know that everyone can get irritable, but I'm not talking about those times you have a bad day and yell at your kids. I'm talking about in those mixed episodes, it can be like PMS times 100 for the entire length of the episode. 

My diagnosis includes "rapid cycling", which means I can have several ups and downs in a single day. My depressive episodes last the longest, as I've been in single episodes that can last for several months. Hypomania is similar, though it's rare, I can maintain hypomania for more than 3 or 4 months (except for now, since circumstances have driven it forward out of necessity). For me, mixed episodes are fast- they cut me deep, but they usually don't last very long.

Here- let me emotionally vomit on you

There are those people who seem to get the easy life- their trials are seemingly non-existent- he (and maybe her, too) have careers doing what they love- they've got beautiful healthy children- a house with enough room to do their hobbies and have more kids, if they want- the picture perfect life. (And don't try to lecture me about everyone's trials are different, or that their trials are as hard for them as yours are for you... Sorry- not buying it. Not today.)

And then there are those who just get hit with trial after trial- and BIG ones, too. 

BOOM- your husband has cancer.

BOOM- you can't have any more children.

BOOM- did I mention you have Bipolar 2?

BOOM- Post-Partum Depression is very real.

BOOM- did I also mention suicidal thoughts/planning?

BOOM- you have no house- live with your in-laws (which in and of itself was fine, but then....)

BOOM- goodbye father-in-law

BOOM- take care of your mother-in-law who has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia and depression including suicidal thoughts and planning, help her deal with grief of losing her husband, as well as losing her mental capacities, give her her medications, make sure she eats, get her to all her doctors appointments to get a sure diagnosis to know how to help her, all the while being ignored for any thoughts you might have about her care, yelled at for being a bad (fill-in-the-blank), and being hated by others every step of the way.

BOOM- remember- you have bipolar and have to raise your own family at the same time.

And there's not many people you can talk to about it... So no. You keep it to yourself, Michelle. Nobody really cares about you or what you're going through. They don't know how hard it's been, and why should they go out of their way to understand? They're too busy with their picture perfect lives to reach out and support. You're meant to do this alone. Maybe someday you'll understand why.

In the meantime, all I can do is pray... But even He seems far away: my Lord, my Lord- why hast thou forsaken us? We are doing everything you are asking of us- the least you can do is remind us you are still there and aware of us. I plead with you to let me take my little family and disappear somewhere- where I may teach my children respect and compassion and be free of such trials for a season.

But even in this plea, I ere. Many trials will come and go in their time, but I know I will never be completely free of the demons of Bipolar. No one will ever, despite their best intentions, understand what it is like to be or to feel in my head. It will follow me till the day I die. Then maybe I can know what it's like to deal with things "normally". Maybe then, I can look back on these trials and see how "easy" they would be if I weren't so screwed up- so flawed. Maybe that's why nobody cares- cuz to a "normal" brain, these would be easy? Maybe with a "normal brain", I could handle them instead of trying to develop a harder shell or crying so much because something cut too deep or I didn't know if I could handle another day- literally.

I guess I just feel too much- that's what happens with bipolar. It's very rare that I feel "normally"- I get more excited about good things....and I get hurt too easily at the bad things. Every day is a fight for me to react "normally"- to try to be like everyone else... Unfortunately, it seems that even in my efforts to appear like the picture perfect, I am destined to always suffer- whatever the trial.

Starting again

Yes- I have failed yet again to be consistent in writing my blog. Part of it is because of the personal things going on in my life, but part of it is also just the nature of bipolarity. I haven't done any research on it, but I've just noticed a sort of ADHD affect when it comes to my resolve in finishing/continuing my projects. I can't tell you how many I've started but can't stay focused to finish. 

My therapist has been on my case about my journal writing (which makes way more sense when I think someone else will read it). Also, my husband (upon hearing that my therapist recommends writing) tries to support and reminds me as well. 

Somehow, if I do a blog at all, my brain tells me it has to be big, detailed, intense, and with enough unique insight that it can change someone's life. (stupid distorted thoughts) But the thought of doing a huge cerebral blog overwhelms me right now. Jake reminds me that it doesn't have to be any of those things. So, here I go; just a short check in to keep my head a little more organized.

Let's just say I'm stressed and a little hopeless, too. Life threw us a curve ball, and I don't play baseball. I've been doing the best I can, but feel that most people don't understand the kind of extreme effort I have to put into coping as well as managing my disorder and taking care of my family. I can only do so much, and in this case- I can't fix it. But I still have to try to cope and cope, and manage, and cope, and de-stress (unsuccessfully, I might add- this has never been an ability that I have)... And manage some more.

So here's a question for my readers: how do you know when you're stressed?