PTSD

I was at the gym, trying to check in and get my kids situated with kidcare, and a conversation strikes between me and another mom- who we'll call Rose. We talk about our kids and how they adjust (or don't adjust) to babysitters and day cares. She asks me how young my girls were when I started taking them to the gym. Specifically- how they did when they were 6 months.

At first, I gave her the simple answer- "I had emotional issues and was not well enough to come to the gym". I don't remember if I volunteered further information, or if she asked... Either way, the conversation continued. I told her about Bipolar, and how that made me more prone to having Post Partum depression, how I had started planning my suicide, and how my husband and I decided to commit me to UNI (The University of Utah Neuropsychiatric Institute), to help me get better.

I really don't have a problem talking about this kind of thing. Rose sympathized with me, explaining that her sister was also hospitalized for Post Partum Depression and a suicide attempt. She then further described her sister's experience. Even though it's been 6 plus years, her sister experiences PTSD because of it.

We most often associate PTSD with soldiers who have seen death, or had a near death experience. Though this does happen often, PTSD is not restricted to a soldier's experience only. Rose's sister experiences PTSD when she is reminded of her suicide attempt.

My husband also struggles with PTSD because of his cancer experience. At one point during his treatment, he found that he was having symptoms similar to that of the flu or bronchitis. We took him to the doctor, who told him to go to the ER. (We were used to ER trips by this point- we had been several times before- you have to be extra careful with any symptom a cancer patient might have.) He was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia. It ended up being a bad reaction to one of the chemo drugs. It took them a week to figure that out- while he stayed in the hospital.

One particular evening, Jake called me saying he was having a hard time breathing and added he was "afraid to die, and (he) didn't want to die alone." I called my sister to come stay with my son so I could be with Jake. While I was on my way, Jake called the nurses in for help. He couldn't breath. They checked his oxygen levels, which were way below normal. Anything below 90 is concerning- Jake's was 71. He said it felt like the movies: nurses rushing left and right- going as fast as possible to hook him up to oxygen and keep him conscious.

PTSD has followed Jake ever since. He feels extremely high levels of anxiety, sick to his stomach (and otherwise ill) and has to stop whatever he's doing (including pulling the car over if he's driving), just so he can focus on breathing. That day at the hospital was the same day that Micheal Jackson died- every channel at the hospital was tuned in to his life's work. To this day, Jake can't listen to a Micheal Jackson song without feeling the anxiety and flashbacks build.

For the longest time, I didn't realize that anyone other than a soldier could experience PTSD... That is, until Jake was diagnosed. Pretty much anyone who has a psychologically traumatic experience may also have PTSD.

Having PTSD is nothing to feel ashamed about. Get help. Surround yourself with support and love. The effects of PTSD are hard- and real. Know you are not alone.