Depression Attacks Again... or Still

 Every day, I wake up hoping it can be a normal, productive day... and every day, it's worse than the day before. I find myself with a completely blank head, but with thoughts buried so deep that have so much impact, that I still cry "for no reason". Today, I woke up at my normal time, and within one hour, I needed to take a 2 hour nap.

I really hate this. I try so hard to be positive... or at least realistic about my illnesses. You know, giving myself a break, because apparently my body needs it. But when it lasts as long as it does (I may still have an entire month before I'm able to pull out of this depression), it just wears on me. I can't stay positive that long... I mean, for the past 6 weeks or so, I've been trying with all that I am to pull myself out of it. To somehow keep some level of energy so I can get that little bit of validation that makes me feel like I'm not totally useless.

I get desperate for validation. I need to have that satisfaction that I'm doing the right thing- for anyone. I'm almost 40, and though I feel like I've cut the apron strings, I still feel the need to call my parents every now and then to get their approval on things that I'm doing.

Sorry... sidenote...

But when it comes to beating this fall crash (also called depression fatigue or chronic fatigue... very similar to adrenal fatigue, too), I'm at a loss. I'm to the point where I'm sick of trying to overcome it. Maybe the only way to get past it is allow myself to give in to it- take every nap my body tells me to, do nothing but lie on the couch watching musicals and Disney movies because it A- they always have that thread of positivity that I try to feed off of, and B- finishing a movie requires the least amount of effort and still provide a small sense of accomplishment. How sad is that?

I have to work on giving myself permission to be down for this long. A few days every now and then is fine, but for 3 months? I feel like a lazy loafer that my poor husband has to do double duty for, and all my kids see is someone who sleeps all the time and doesn't have the attitude or the energy to be a normal mom. That kills me. My girls are still in a place where they don't really notice, but my son is very aware. I try to talk to them about the downfalls of depression, and try to give them enough hugs and kisses and "I love yous" that they don't blame themselves for my flaws, or think they have a slacker mom. It's just not enough. I'm not enough.

There's that phrase again.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

deep breath...

another...

Problem: long term depression fatigue

Possible solution: let myself rest more, Be more vigilant in changing negative and distorted thoughts (use journal), do what I can and accept it, remember this happens every year- I'm still here, tell myself "I am enough".

Not Good Enough

"Not good enough"... the words ring in my ear. I'm taken out of the conversation, though it continues, and remember all the occasions in my life where that was the feeling shouting from my soul. As simple as the words themselves are, the feeling is deeper... darker... lonely... and somehow, pervasive in every nook and cranny of my inner self.

I've never made the connection of how much this phrase has leaked into my identity until my therapist spoke these words. For the first time, someone found a part of me that I had been unknowingly trying to hide. I want to be seen as strong, as together, as someone who can change things for herself and for others. But how can I make any difference for anyone else if I'm too freaking afraid to look into my own heart and heal myself first?

I've since noticed all the times this little saying has peaked its ugly little head out to get one more swing at me. Sometimes, it's obvious, and leads to isolation and tears. Other times, it only whispers, as if to egg me on to get more done during the day. In any case, I am only now seeing a part of myself that has been abused for too many years to number. There may be circumstances that have added to it's permanent residence in my head, but I blame only the consistent and subtle self-talk to the point that I didn't notice it for a long time.

I don't know how to fix it, but I do know in circumstances such as these, awareness is the first step. A step into what will either be a chapter into my new self... or a relapse back into rejection and self-abuse.

The Big Annual Crash

Just when I think I have something figured out, life throws me another curve ball. For quite a few years, I've had a major depressive crash in the fall. We've always been able to link it to some sort of  trigger... or at least what we thought was a trigger.

A few of those years seemed to be linked to the Shakespeare Festival in Southern Utah. I was asked to help some high school students choreograph dances based on some Shakespearean story or concept. I loved doing it. We did a group piece based on the Power struggle between Petruchio and Katherine in Taming of the Shrew (I believe you can still find this piece in my video section on my Bipolar Brain Dance Facebook page if you want to see it). We did a group piece about the fairies from A Mid-summer Nights Dream. The biggest surprise was the award we won for a trio dance based on a Shakespeare sonnet. The judges used the word "ethereal" to describe the dance, and that was exactly what I was going for. One disappointment was a dance that I really used my own experience for- while using Ophelia's dip into madness as the story. I put it on a group of junior high students- while teaching them about suicide and how to get help. They handled it all very maturely, and the dance was exactly what I wanted it to be... unfortunately, the director and I worried that the content was far too dark to place on their shoulders, and we quickly changed the piece. I never even got to record it just for my own purposes. I don't mind that we changed the piece. I never wanted to burden anybody. I thank those who were involved, especially for allowing me a bit of movement therapy.

After each year working on, and attending, these competitions and workshops, I would have this major crash. For weeks I would not be functional... literally just laying on the couch and watching movies all day. I just assumed I had gone into hypomania during these projects- and crashing when the project was done. That's how it works the rest of the year, so it just made sense that I must've just put more into these projects (no surprise- I put everything into my choreography projects).

Last year, We moved to Connecticut over the summer. So, I spent the whole rest of the summer and the start of fall getting "settled". Doing paint projects and fix-it projects were a daily need. But then, in the fall, I crashed again. I don't recall it being as bad as it was before... but I had an "excuse", a trigger. I just moved across the country. It was a huge change for us. Any big change in lifestyle might trigger an episode.

But this year, though there were a few things that might have triggered an immediate episode... but it has turned into my annual big crash. I have gone about 2 months now without being functional. It usually goes about 3 months... which is really sad. I like the fall. I like pulling out my sweaters, drinking more herbal tea and hot cocoa, cuddling up with a book, or my favorite movie, or my girls, watching the leaves rain down on the grass...  and I can't fully enjoy any of it.

It's not that I'm completely wrapped up in depression. Though automatic thoughts will always pop in and bother me every now and then- making me believe I'm not enough, what get's me most is just the physical exhaustion. Guys... I'm so tired ALL the time. I get up at 6:30 to get the kids ready for school, and by 9, I'm ready for a nap. I'm lucky if I get one thing done during the day... like brushing my teeth. I can just about guarantee this post will be the only thing I do today. I'm trying to cheat the system and get this done early enough in the morning, so I can rest and be up for making dinner this afternoon.

It really sucks feeling competely useless for 3 months out of the year. I wonder if there's a management strategy that will help long term. I keep trying to talk to my husband about Christmas, in the hopes it will pull me closer to hypomania instead of this dreadful depression.

I've learned that it's pretty normal to be triggered by the weather- and that many of us who suffer from Bipolar have a Depression Episode in the Fall specifically.

So, here I am: stuck in the middle of the worst time of year for me... without power to pull myself up by the bootstraps, and with that evergoing "yuck" in the pit of my stomach that keeps telling me I'm not enough because I'm not doing enough.

Trials and a Memory

Let me tell you about the last couple of weeks. Jake had sudden severe pain that took us to the Emergency Room. Turns out he had a kidney stone (I have never seen him in so much pain). They did a ct scan to make sure the whole stone had been taken care of. And though they didn't find any remnant of the stone in the scan, they DID find a tumor in his heart. At first, they thought it was benign, but now they are not so sure. He is doing several tests on his heart to see what it is, and how to treat it.

I had a doctor appt this week, and was also diagnosed with something bigger (I don't really want to share what it is... for some reason, I'm quite embarrassed about it). But let's just say both Jake's and my issues may require major surgery.

Then, two nights ago, the toilet overflowed. By itself, it's not a big problem, but this house is 40 years old, and the caulking around the toilet and the tub has all but disappeared. All that water went through the floor and through the entire ceiling of our kitchen eat in area. We had guys out here to assess the problem (thank goodness for insurance), and while they were here, a big chunk of the ceiling fell on their heads. Awful how such a small thing can turn into such an expensive disaster.

My girls have developed a medical condition that they can't get into the doctor for- for a month. All my mental health medications were canceled because I didn't update my information soon enough, and now that's a fight... and I'm writing all this to you at three o'clock in the morning because I forgot to take my trazadone last night and I literally can't stay asleep without it.

We're all mostly keeping a good attitude about all this, but every now and then (like 3AM), it just seems like too much. It's hard to not think I didn't do something to deserve all this. I mean, I know I didn't... but goodness, isn't Bipolar enough? I've already been cursed with a few disorders that keep me from living a normal life... that keeps my family from living a normal life. Why so many big issues? God's trying to find my breaking point, I think.

I'm reminded of a time when Bipolar was particularly difficult- as it was combined with Post Partum Depression. It was around the time I was admitted to the hospital for suicidal planning. I remember asking "why me?". Whether I said it in an actual prayer, or just nebulously, I don't remember; but I do remember getting a distinct answer in my mind and heart that was clearly not from me. The answer was "Because I trust you". It took me off guard, because I wasn't actually expecting an answer. After thinking about it, I realized that I have been given my particular difficulties because God trusted I would turn to him for support, and together, we would get through whatever came my way.

I need to remember that now. In my hour of stress and struggle, I am not alone. I can do this. One step at a time. I know I can do hard things... I just may have to cry a few times throughout the process.

ADD Meltdowns

 I've been thinking about my issue with afternoon dips in mood swings, and I wondered why it was so bad with me. I mean, I think most human beings have a dip in energy levels every mid-afternoon, making work or any activity a little more difficult in the afternoon... but why does it have to be that much more difficult for one with a mood disorder?

I started doing a little research and found a few things that kept repeating themselves.

"Hypomania in the morning means Depression in the afternoon"- which might be what's going on. After all, I have for sure felt depressed during several afternoons. However, I don't think I've been as high as Hypomania in the morning. Elevated, maybe. Hypomanic, no. Though sometimes, it's really hard to tell the difference between elevated and hypomanic.

"ADD meltdowns"- this compared ADD meltdowns to those regular human dip in energy levels, and they were very similar. Apparently, it has to do with circadian rhythms dipping during certain times- one of them being between 1-3 in the afternoon. 

Come to think of it- that's really a pattern by itself when one has ADD. I've been noticing it a lot with myself and every conversation. I just don't last long, My attention dips, and I end up not listening to the person I'm talking with. Things start going in one ear and mixing with all the chaos I normally have in my head... to the point where it's so much, I start getting agitated. I find excuses to run away from conversations... I mean, if it stops sounding like a human being talking to me, and just turns to mushy chaos in my brain... I understand why I want to disappear. AND that makes much more sense why my ADD brain can't handle much more than till 2 in the afternoon before it starts breaking up into a "meltdown" that lasts through the evening.

There were a few more words that were used in conjunction with Afternoon dips and ADD meltdowns that I'm hoping with give me a better handle on it: A management strategy or two. Here's the list:

Move the body

Stay Nourished

Stay hydrated (this is what happens when your brain becomes a bit dehydrated- emotions are housed in your brain)

Have a snack with Protein in it: I will pull a list together for the facebook page for those interested. 

Take some downtime to try to pull yourself together (maybe a nap?)

Play with these suggestions. I will do the same. If you find any more information regarding ADD meltdowns or how to manage them, please let me know in the comments. I'm still new to ADD knowledge.

Self-Evaluation

I've been noticing a pattern in my moods lately. I'm great in the morning. Not hypomanic great, but good, stable, functional, and can see the day clearly in the morning. By about 2 in the afternoon, I start dipping, and by the evening, I'm either in tears, or I'm angry. The bulk of either reaction is sent in the direction of my husband. Poor guy has to endure so much crap from my emotional difficulties.

No matter how much I can get done in the morning... or even in the afternoon... I'm left at the end of the day feeling like I wanted. I feel left out of that feeling of accomplishment- even if I did accomplish things. I feel disappointed in myself for not doing more, or not staying happy.  I'm usually pretty good about recognizing my mood differences and giving myself a break... but when it's happening every single day, it gets pretty tiresome.

As a matter of fact, the past two days have changed slightly... and I'm just tired ALL the time. Seriously, Sunday I was so tired that I slept 13 hours during the night and still had two 2 hour naps... went to bed again at 8 and slept for 13 hours again.

I've heard the explanation that oversleeping can cause fatigue... but I don't think that's what's happening. I think professionals use that explanation for normal human beings who don't have tiring issues. My period exhausts me... depression wants to "check me out" or the normal world. The best way to do that is to make me sleep or so tired I'm not able to handle anything.

I've just been in contact with my psychiatrist about these two patterns- which have been the main daily patterns since he took away my Vyvanse for ADD. I have not had the reaction he wanted on stimulants for ADD, since it sets off my Bipolar hypomania. So for now, I don't get more drugs for ADD. To address the new patterns, he thinks that upping my dose of Lexapro would be a good place to start. My Lithium is perfectly in the range it should be, so he doesn't want to mess with that. Just addressing one thing at a time.

He also recommended I go back to therapy for the depression. I stopped going to therapy when COVID-19 broke out. I thought I was doing okay, but when BOTH my psychiatrist AND my husband think I should go back, I guess I should listen.

I've always been an advocate for talk therapy. But I thought I was in a place where I didn't need it anymore. I think there is still a stigma on therapy- even for a seasoned client like me. I always get to the point where I'm just saying the same thing at every visit, and feel the therapist gets sick of me. I'm sure that's just some distorted thinking on my part. So, I'm now stuck on the decision of going back to my last therapist (super nice, did extra research just to understand my background better), or find a fresh set of thoughts and eyes to help give me a new perspective on things. 

I'm stuck. I don't know yet what to do.

And in the meantime, I'm stuck with this awful pattern of being extra tired and hating either myself or the world by the end of every. single. day.

Welcome Back!

This location was my blog a long time ago. I got a more custom blog for a while, and was really pleased with it. Unfortunately, we were given bad information on the upkeep of the blog, and lost everything... and I mean EVERYTHING. All those blogs lost to the empty space of the universe. Oh, well. I let myself mourn for a while, started a facebook page with more simple entries (found at facebook/bipolarbraindance), and just lived there for a while. I think I'm brave enough to try a blog again.

So, thanks for coming and welcome back to my more wordy journal. My goal here is to try to be more vulnerable- more in-the-moment in these entries. My facebook page is good for more pre-planned helpful entries. But I'm hoping the blog will i you the raw emotions, as well as the day to day boring stuff that is my life with Bipolar. I want to be real with you...

So, here it goes...
I've been in a mixed episode lately. Sometimes, I feel just fine. Other times, I really don't understand myself. Like the other day, I was trying to have just a normal conversation with my husband. But the things that were coming out of my mouth were absurd! I was absolutely aware of what was coming out of my mouth, but there was no filter, so it was like an out of body experience. I kept telling myself to shut up, but I had no control. Even in front of my husband, who has been with me for 16 years now and has seen me in every light, I was embarrassed. 

I still have my manic genius moments. During this episode, I have started writing two books. One about Bipolar, and the other about raising kids. I think both will be nice for me to have and use as resources- even if no one else wants to buy. But I am going to try to get them out there... even if they take me forever to get done (Since I jump from project to project and have a hard time getting anything done).

OH! And the other other day, I just felt so conflicted. There was so many voices in my head about doing things: "you need to paint the walls", "you need to build the bookshelves", "you need to make some wallets and purses", "you should focus on your kids for a while", "You need to go out and buy stuff" (that one is my Bipolar cure all... Unfortunately, its amazing how a little retail therapy can end up spending your husband's entire paycheck), "you kind of suck- go lose some weight", "you don't have any friends". No matter what you try to do, you feel no sense of accomplishment or purpose. You just feel like something should change... so I did what a lot of people with Bipolar do- I dyed my hair... to bleach blonde. It took a couple days to get used to it, but it's not too bad of a color... a little extreme, but I dye my hair a lot in this phase of life. I think it's another fix-all that doesn't cost as much as all the stuff I could ever want to buy. I've tried pink, brown (lots of different shades- browns look pretty good on me), a lot of highlights (I like highlights a lot)... but the one I like the most is an intense auburn... kind of an almost purple sort of deep red  with a brown base. Yup- I think I'll go back to that one once the platinum (and possible pink) calm down, or get cut off.

See what I mean? I'm just kind of jumping all over the place- but that is really me right now. I can't say if it's mostly the Bipolar mixed episode, or maybe its my ADHD which I had to stop taking meds for. Boo. My ADHD med was a stimulant. It did wonders for my focus, but flipped me into a really bad manic episode. I was able to come down from the pure mania, but got stuck in this mixed episode.

Mixed is still where I get the most confused. I know a lot of management strategies for mania, and a lot for depression, but have harder of a time knowing what to do when I'm mixed. I just kind of guess a lot of the time. Maintenance strategies are still the best to carry you through any episode, but sometimes, you just need a reboot.

So I find it kind of funny that the reboot of this blog is happening simultaneously with the reboot of my Mental management. A lot of things have happened over the past 6 years or so. I won't tell the whole story now- just know that my family and I have kind of been put through the ringer. Well, we have finally found a more permanent and stable living situation. We've been in our new house for a little over a year, and I have found that many strategies don't work the same for me. I wrote a bunch down, and started re-evaluating what I should keep, and what I might need to change. Meds will stay put- except for maybe some new meds for ADHD. The rest of them are good.

I'm having to start fresh with exercise since my back injury, but I'm still convinced daily exercise will help me stay more even throughout the day. So, that will stay on the list.

I've stopped paying attention to the guided meditation app I've been using. I end up just falling asleep. I need to meditate, but I'm afraid I'll have to do it on my own- putting more effort into it. I'll try them during the day instead of bedtime.

I stopped mood charting sometime during the last 6 years, and haven't been able to get back to it. Jake swears it makes a difference in my mood.

Writing has always been helpful to me in "working through", or "figuring out" my feelings, so using this blog as a journal should kill two birds with one stone!

I also think in order to keep my brain less cluttered, I need to keep my physical space less cluttered. I've always had a bad habit of leaving piles all over the house. I don't feel this is bothersome. I don't even notice my piles until my brain starts to get super messy. Occasionally, cleaning up would be beneficial for my mental health.

This is where I'm starting. We'll see what works and what doesn't. This overhaul might take some time- but I've got to start somewhere.

Welcome Back to the REBOOT!