Do I dare?

 I've noticed my posts lately have been more on the negative side. You could call it negative. You could just call it life. This is my life experience. Anyone with a mental illness has a lot of mental battles to fight- and we need to get it out sometimes. I need this blog to help me vent. I'm not trying to prove I have it worse off than anyone else. It's just really hard to live with a mental illness (or a few). I want my audience out there to know I'm just trying to be real. I'm trying to be a voice... a voice for myself so that others might understand me more (and the more I talk about it, the more I realize I'm the one in control here-not my illness)... and a voice for others who are maybe more introverted or scared to speak for themselves- you are not alone.

That being said, there are positive sides here, too. Learning to deal with these mental illnesses (and continuing to learn... there will never be an end to this learning) has given me strength, compassion, self-control (to a degree... definitely NOT when it comes to chocolate), and a lot of insight into myself and sometimes those around me.

Within the past month, I have learned of two dear friends who have been diagnosed with a mental illness or two. My mind immediately went back to that space of time when I knew I had bipolar, but I didn't know you could do anything about it, and I didn't want my friends to have to struggle as much as I did, so I put together some ideas that I thought were the most helpful in knowing when dealing with something this difficult. Whether or not they use it is up to them... and I know the way they deal will be different than how I deal. But, I wanted them to have a positive start... something I wish I had when I was first diagnosed.

This got me to thinking. I know mine is only one experience, but that experience and knowledge might be valuable to more people than just me and my friends. I wonder if it would be valuable to enough people to warrant writing a book about it.

Every time I bring it up, I immediately doubt myself. But ever since I was little, I've wanted to publish a book... and this is something I care about, don't mind doing research for, and would really like to get the information out there. Having a guidebook to learn how to manage Bipolar (that might also apply to other mental illnesses) might be helpful to a lot of people. But do I dare? Books are subject to negative attention as well as the positive. Could I handle that? The book is basically already outlined, and many of the chapters already written. If I went for it, I might have it finished by the end of the year.

I think I'm afraid of success on this one. If I did it- I'd fulfill a life-long dream, and I'd have something ready if I find another friend who needs support. But, do I dare?

Domino Effect

 On a story like today/s, it's a little difficult to find the beginning. One might say that it started with my Fall Depression crash in September... you know, the one that continued through December... seemed to go away, but came right back again. Some might say it started even before that- when the world sort of fell apart because of COVID-19... way back in February and March.

I guess even in trying to find the beginning, one might question what exactly started the whole thing. Was it caused by the stress? Or did it start with my Bipolar cycle?

In any case, it started at one point and just kept getting worse- adding little domino pieces to the trail, until it completely covered every aspect of my life.

For the sake of argument, we'll start with when the world fell apart with COVID. Though I feel like my family has dealt well with such a stress and all the lifestyle changes we had to make... like everyone... stress is something everyone had to deal with. I have a terrible habit of not recognizing when I'm stressed, so I tend to bottle it up until it explodes either emotionally or physically. First few months, I was a little high-strung, but mostly okay.

Then came my annual Depressive crash. This crash kept me low, hard on myself, and eventually during the depression, Brain Fog kicked in. I have never been acquainted with the name of this condition till this past year. It is exactly what it sounds like. My brain just gets foggy. I can be in the middle of a conversation, and stop in the middle of a sentence with no recollection of what I was talking about, or why I was talking about. I lose very easy words- they just go completely out of my head. You know the feeling of going to another room to get something and forget what it is and you keep having to go back and forth till you discover the reason? That's what it feels like in basically every room and every conversation. I have forgotten where I'm driving. I tried saying my prayers the other night... about something very important... I was on my knees for over 1/2 hour because my mind kept wandering and I couldn't remember what I was trying to ask for. Eventually, I had to end the prayer with saying nothing. 

The Fall Depression has since cleared... but the Brain Fog persists. It might have gone away for a couple weeks, but it is back... What I think is that the first time it came around, it was caused by Bipolar, but as I started having other issues, the brain fog stuck around. And brain fog , as you can imagine, causes all sorts of problems... like missing doctor appointments... or taking your night pills instead of your day pills... yes, both have happened with me.

So, this second episode of Brain Fog is due, I believe, to my sleep apnea. I've had obstructive sleep apnea for about 7 or so years. I struggled with keeping the CPAP on my face all the way during the night. I used a oral appliance for a while, which worked until I started gaining weight... now I've got congestion, closed off airways because of the added weight, a small passageway. Even sleeping upright with the oral appliance, I don't get a good nights sleep. I have to have naps almost every day again- even up to 3.5 hours. Again, if you don't have good sleep, lots of negative things happen. I wake up with headaches every day that Tylenol does nothing for. I've had a headache now for almost a week straight.

(I am seeing my sleep specialist later today... hopefully we'll find a treatment that will work for me.)

And then, there's the stress added onto everything else. The days all run together. Recently, my nephew was diagnosed with ALL Leukemia. The boy is only 2 1/2 years old. His family is young with 3 boys under 7. Having cancer so close in the family brought my back to memory lane (but not the pleasant one). I remembered when my husband, Jake, was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma... Cancer royally sucks. I cried remembering the burden that was on my shoulders emotionally... and I cried for My Sister-in-law- and Brother-in-law, and mostly for my nephew. It's at the forefront of my memory now... causing a lot of hard emotions. My Brother-in-law (a different one) is creating a gofundme to help with their medical bills- when it's ready, I'll include it in the facebook page if you feel so inclined to donate. I know it would be very much appreciated.

So, in addition to the stress I was already under with COVID, I've been very emotional about my nephew, and my other health issues, not to mention health issues for my daughters. It turns out, one of my girls might need brain surgery. That's not a big deal or anything. I mean, it is most likely she won't need it... but the possibility can cause a lot of stress just by itself. 

Stress can cause physical ailments. Off and on for about a week, I've had knots in my stomach- very tender to the touch... that just don't seem to want to go away. I can't eat three meals a day because i get so much inflammation in my abdomen. Yes, I have appointments for those doctors, too. In fact, I have doctors appointments for my and my girls every day for the next week and a half.

I'm just waiting for the first domino to topple over and send the rest of them down to trigger my nervous breakdown. I'm barely holding it together... My mantra for today? One thing at a time...

Nature vs Nurture

For last week's post, I was caught up in trying to find one incident that caused my haunting life-long thought: I'm not good enough... And Jake helped me remember the other half. Last week was all about nurture- this week, its all about nature... and things make a lot more sense putting those together.

First- genetics. Bipolar is a passed down genetically. I know it got passed down- because my brother has it as well. I know it's from my mother's side of the family because 4 people have confided in me their various mental illnesses, Bipolar being among them.

Second- early signs of Bipolar. Bipolar has a few characteristics that I have wondered about. Usually, Bipolar doesn't kick in till late teens/early 20s. Though some people believe in childhood bipolar, others think it doesn't exist in childhood. I have a couple memories that these facts sort of play a part in. One was when I was pretty young. I think my day was totally fine- nothing big happened, but by the time I got home from school, I was in serious tears... for no reason... I recognize this might have been one of my first times with PMS. But it really felt like there was more to it than that.

The other "example" was just how much I took onto my shoulders in high school. I was part of marching band and pep band, was a member of band council, played in 2 orchestras (one before school, and one after school), and would fit in a musical here and there (either playing in the pit orchestra or being on stage dancing and trying hard to win a part). I had a science teacher that told my mom I had an aptitude for science and really had a future if I wanted to pursue it. (I will admit here that I had absolutely ZERO aptitude for math...I was never good at math). I was an amazing overachiever in high school... and got my fingers into anything I could. It is possible all of this was me trying to earn the validation that I wanted or felt I needed. But, I got away with all of it, and still got decent grades. If you ask me, this all smells of a prolonged manic episode; all the energy with a clear head, thinking I was amazing (I was really only mediocre at any of these skills), in addition to being extra extroverted and flirty. Maybe this was my first actual experience with mania... before the whole experience of it kicked in.

Third- distorted thought patterns. I know that distorted thinking can happen with or without a mental illness, but I think it happens more often in those with a predisposition of mental illness. I know for a fact that this was part of the problem for me growing up. My whole family knew it. Everyone asked me all the time why I took everything so personally like it was a deliberate choice on my end to be difficult and selfish or something. I wish I knew at the time it was a way of thinking that happened naturally, but could be changed... not that there would be much I could do to change it as a kid, but maybe it would leave a more forgiving attitude between myself and my family.

Just like this last paragraph illustrates, the interaction between nature and nurture can all boil down to just a misunderstanding, but if there is no efforts in understanding it, it can create a negative thought about oneself. I think just doing it once is something that can be more easily overcome... but if it's something that happens repeatedly or similarly and it doesn't get resolved, it creates a negative cycle that reinforces the same distorted thought, turning it into a negative belief about yourself.

This makes so much sense to me. Though having an explanation by itself doesn't fix it. I hope I can get there and change that belief. I want to belief I'm good enough. I want to believe I don't have to earn anyone's love or validation.

My childhood shadow

 I've been through therapy lots of times. I've been taken step by step through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with lots of my thoughts before... but I guess this time, we are adding another layer to it. Or it could be we're doing something different to help me through this step.

I take a thought/belief and apply it to a younger version of me. Do I want her to have that thought? Do I approach it differently? Where does that thought come from? Beliefs come from all different aspects/places of our lives. Many beliefs come from our family of origin or our religion. And when I say beliefs, I mean any belief that I have about myself, not necessarily a religious one (but those can be included). The belief that stands out the most to me is that one you all have already been introduced to: "I am not good enough".

Though I can not pinpoint the exact moment in time when I started believing such a destroying thought, I do know it's been a lifetime of trying to overcome/overcompensate for it. I always felt like a black sheep in my family. I stood out- apparently in all the wrong ways. I would try the craziest ways to "earn" my parents validation and love... It's not because they were bad parents- they were very good parents... I just felt different from everyone and didn't know how to feel completely accepted, unless I was doing everything they wanted me to... even though they didn't match with who I was... or who I am. I still try to earn their validation. 

I just wish I could talk my younger self through a different belief- to believe enough in herself that getting the validation of others was not necessary. Or that it was okay to feel different than others in your family.

How could I have better armed her to fight for herself throughout her life? She kept searching for that feeling of validation, and would take it where she could get it, which would get her into trouble sometimes. It did make me feel what I needed, but it never lasted very long. Even now, with a family of my own, even with their full validation, the same original thought haunts me: "I am not enough". If only I could go back in time and correct the situation where the thought first came... where the thought would forever take away my validation.

I hope I can learn how to change it now...

The Vote is In!

 I've been doing some thinking, and some talking, and some more thinking, and I've decided to do it. I AM going back to school. I'll be studying Dance Therapy and Mental Health Counseling hopefully at Lesley University in MA. I've known about this program for a while and have wanted to go there for a while, but the timing was never right. I think the time might be now.

I have a friend who is in the program now and has told me a great deal about it. After my post about having second thoughts, this friend called me and eased my worries quite a bit about the expectations, the homework, the faculty, etc. After that phone call alone, I feel more confident.

I have another friend who knows a lot about what accommodations can be made for someone like me; Bipolar, ADD, Anxiety... to make sure I can get through school despite my issues. Oh, yeah! There are offices specifically for students like me that will help me request those accommodations and hold the professors to them. Although, according to the friend already in the program, the faculty makes those accommodations even without the office. Also a confidence booster.

So, now, the only 2 concerns left is getting accepted to the program, and paying for the program. I feel pretty confident in getting accepted to the program. My resume is full of applicable experience. I have a paper that I'm going to send that I'm extremely proud of and that is also applicable to the stuff I'll be learning as part of the Masters. I'm a little concerned about sending them a video of my dancing ability... since it's been a while since I've performed. But since I have time to practice improvisation around the house, I feel like I can get that skill back by the time I should send in my application.

That brings me to my final concern: how to pay for it all. See, I've already missed the deadline for grants and scholarships for this year. We have absolutely NO budget to get me through school... I need to find someway to pay for the full $70,000 tuition and fees. If any of you know of a good scholarship or grant, please let me know. I did find a list of grants to look into specifically for Dance Therapy, so I'm hoping that can give me something. Our school district just sent out a call for substitute teachers recently. I've got experience working will all age groups- Elementary through high school... and I'm experienced in using dance in any subject. Unfortunately, with the increase of COVID cases pretty much everywhere... the schools are going remote, and I'm not sure if they want substitutes for that. I'll apply, but I'm not sure they'll use me enough. I make wallets and purses now, but that won't bring in enough money, either.

I'll figure it out. I really want this- have for a while. I can't let this stop me. I'm open to any ideas, if you have any, to earn enough money to pay for a Masters Degree.

Back to School? Or Give Up on a Dream?

 Last week, I made a decision- a life-changing one. I'm going back to school. I'm getting my masters degree in Dance Therapy and will also be certified to become a mental health therapist. Ever since my introduction to the brain dance, I've been fascinated with the body-brain connection. I knew already about the brain controlling the body and its movement, but when I learned it could go the opposite way, too (body movement influencing the makeup of the brain, our behavior, the way we think, etc), I got hooked. I wrote a paper about it called "Sensational Learning" while still an undergrad, and was told it was real close to being a Masters Thesis. I still think about it... so the decision to learn about it formally and doing something with that knowledge is very exciting for me.

Then this week hit. I got hit by a trigger that plunged me into a really bad depression. One where I was left non-functional. I could barely even move. I sat there completely sad, with my head down and not able to think of anything but this trigger, despite my best efforts. And I started having second thoughts. I realized this decision to go to school might not be a good one. I desperately want the knowledge that this program could provide for me. Even if I'm not able to go into the workforce because of Bipolar, I could provide more researched information on my facebook page about management and more information about different mental health topics.

But getting through school is the issue. Having those couple of non-functional days reminded me how much of a gamble it will be to go back to school- especially during my fall crash. Not only can I not physically do anything- I really can't do much mentally, either. Most of my days are filled with brain fog, lack of focus, and a terrible memory. How can I expect to succeed at school when my brain can't catch the information. This program is online during the year with a few weeks in person over the summer. If most of it is reading- would I be able to retain what I need? Or should I quit while I'm ahead?

OH! It kills me to think I can't do this. I'm trying to be realistic. There are really a lot of days that I can't do anything... on the other hand- I've never been more gung-ho to learn more about this fascinating topic. It's a gamble. There's no way to know how many good days and how many bad days I will have. Will I have enough good days that I can get through the program? I just ordered Prevagen- you know, that pill that helps with the brains memory and alertness. Will that be enough to let me soak in the information? And one more thing- I can't go back to school unless I find some means to pay for it all... and I mean ALL. Our current budget doesn't allow for anything extra... so I have to get enough scholarships and grants to cover the entire $70,000 tab. Another gamble.

So, what do I do? Seriously- if any of you have any insight or ideas regarding going back to school with a mental illness, I would love to hear about it. I really want this, but don't know if I would be wasting everyone's time and money... help?

A Diagnosis Story

 There was nothing wrong with me. Hey- I was practically perfect; outgoing, a good student, happy most of the time. I wasn't without my bad moods and stress, but that was all normal. That's what I was- I was normal.

My fiance would ask every now and then if I was okay. I didn't think much of it- he was just being nice checking on me. I was pretty lucky to have him. Unlike a lot of men today, I got one who was sensitive as well as strong. He would notice subtle changes in my mood before even I did. This continued after we were married. He started asking too much- always assuming something was wrong. I was fine- nothing was wrong with me... maybe he didn't really want to be married to me. He couldn't seem to accept me for who I was. I was getting a bit frustrated.

Finally, I started noticing things: I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry for hours, or do nothing but lie on the couch for a week. We decided it might be depression and went to the doctor to get some medication to help me through it. On the day I was to take the first pill, I felt the desperate need to take a pregnancy test. It was positive.

See? I knew I was normal! I dismissed all my "symptoms" and did my best to move forward.

Then my husband was diagnosed with Hodgekins Lymphoma in 2009, and started chemo treatment. I tried to distract myself as much as I could (did a complete home makeover for a friend of mine- painted every room in the house, bought second hand furniture with my own money to add, I made curtains and bed coverings and new art pieces for them) ... I just thought of it as natural to distract myself. There were some scary moments, too. When my husband had to be checked into the hospital, and called me later that evening saying that he thought he was going to die and he didn't want to die alone. His oxygen had dropped really low and the nurses had to come in- rushing around him to get him hooked up to oxygen. Another time, I was driving my little baby boy around so he would nap, and so many times, I wanted desperately to drive into oncoming traffic. My boy was the only thing keeping me from actually doing it. I didn't see the warning signs in my behavior or thoughts.

Finally, when treatment was over and Jake was pronounced "in remission"... I crashed. I had another couple of weeks where I did nothing but lie on the couch and watch movies. I'm not sure I even showered at all during that time. I don't know why this time was different... maybe the whole cancer experience finally broke me down... but I finally realized that my behavior was not normal.

We went back to the family doctor, told him what was going on. He said he had an idea what was going on, but to be sure, I should keep a journal for a month. He wanted me to write down my moods, and any behavior that didn't seem to be normal. So I did. After that month, the Doc asked me what I found. I told him, and he said I had a classic case of Bipolar 2, and prescribed me some medicine. I don't remember anything else he might of said. He just told me I had a mental illness- It rang in my head and drown out anything else he tried to tell me.

That was that. Suddenly I was not only imperfect, but completely broken... and at that time, the only way to help (cuz, oh yeah, not only is there no cure... this is something that you are burdened with for the rest of your life) is a bunch of pills you have to try until you find some that help your moods a little without completely screwing you over with their side effects. That was the only thing I could do. So for years, I would periodically change my meds or add to the cocktail through the family doctor cuz that's all I knew how to do.

It wasn't until I was planning my suicide that I finally got to a neuropsychiatric hospital where they taught me some of the other things I could do to help. They found me a psychiatrist and a therapist. After switching therapists to find one that would listen to me better, I started learning about all the different self-care and coping skills that would work for me. And now continue to research and learn what it means to take care of myself.

I'm now at a point where I recognize what is Bipolar and what is me. I still have times where I lay on the couch for long periods of time because I just can't function. I also still have times where I try to do a million projects at once because I feel invincible and my brain goes a mile a minute coming up  with new "genius" ideas. But I have learned to recognize them and try to minimize the destruction I can cause unchecked.

But for the most part, I can finally see the normal me again. Far from perfect, but not completely broken.