For 6 months, I was the primary care-giver for my mother-in-law who has Alzheimer's. We were living in her home, and had to adjust to her level of comfort. She was angry or suicidal a lot of the time. She hated taking the pills her doctor prescribed- and would frequently take her frustrations out on me. She would tell me I was a horrible mother, and try to give me parenting advice. When I tried to give her hope or comfort her when sad, she would tell me to "shut up, because it makes me throw up". Was it always this bad? No. But it made life hard. A sharp word always seems to linger longer than a kind one. AND it wasn't her fault- so I couldn't (and don't) blame her. It was the disease talking. Alzheimer's is a hard thing. It changed me.
We're now moving in with my parents. Learning to live with a new roommate (even if you've been with them before) requires a little adjustment and a lot of patience. This will further change me.
I exercise - it took a while, but I think it's a habit now- a lifestyle change. Though my weight is still fluctuating, I usually feel better when I go to the gym- even if it's just cardio. I'm going to be a healthier me; this includes physical health, but also mental health. It helps me release tension and focus on the present. Next to doing a meditation (which I do every night) exercise (which I do in the morning at least 3 times a week) clears my head and helps me start the day on the right foot.
I'm fixing my sleep. About a year ago, I started waking up during the night in a panic because I couldn't breath. Really. I stopped breathing. I thought it was mania, which can also interrupt my sleep, but I wanted to be sure. So, I did a sleep study and learned that I have sleep apnea; my body wakes up frequently and doesn't ever really get into a good recuperative sleep because it has to stay awake to breath. I got a C-PAP machine. I go through phases where I rip the mask off during the night, so I'm groggy the next day. But, when I keep it on- I notice how much more energy and alertness I have the following day. Fixing my sleep has changed me.
I am more accepting of my body. It's the strangest thing. I only weigh 10 pounds lighter than I did when I hated my body, so it doesn't really show... But it's not so much about what I look like as it is about accepting where I am. I'm a mom- so my body is a mom body- that's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm older- so my metabolism has started slowing down. I'm on medication that makes it difficult for me to lose weight- but this isn't a race, it's a process.
I'm starting down a career path. This isn't just a change because I have ideas for a career- I've done this plenty of times before. This is a change because I've only just started the process, and things are falling into place to make it happen. My husband is on board (he's generally very supportive, but until now, he has always questioned how Bipolar was playing into it). I have found books to help me learn and help prepare me for what is to come. If you know me, you know this is huge for me. I love books... But I have a really hard time focusing on reading- id rather be moving. I've also always said that I don't care for the business side of business- but now I'm trying to soak in as much as possible to make this thing work. I'm building on something that I'm already doing. My girls will be starting preschool in the fall- which will allow me time. I can use those few hours a week to focus on working. It's already giving me a level of confidence I haven't had in a while. This is a change.
For quite a while, I have looked in a mirror and not know the person staring back at me. She had been worn down- without identity. She only survived. She was a stranger to me. Now, I see a new me in the mirror. Because of change in circumstance and surroundings, I have had to live- not just survive. I have had to ... I have realized that to live, you can't wait for the world to give you what you want- you either go out and make it happen, or you change your attitude about your circumstances and surroundings. (Yes- easier said than done. But, I have been the best mom I've ever been while in difficult circumstances. It is possible.) i see a new face in the mirror; and my thought changes from "who are you?" To "there you are!" I know her... And I like her. I am changed.
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