How do I even begin? My name is Michelle Black. At the time
of this writing, I’m 32 years old, I’m married, I’m a mother, I’m a member of
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I’m
Bipolar/manic-depressive. These are the things that make up the majority of my
identity. In deciding to write a blog, I struggled with what to talk about,
convincing myself that I had nothing interesting to say, and that no one would
care to read about me. I still struggle with it. However, my therapist highly
recommends writing in a journal. It’s supposed to help me positively process my
emotions, which, being bipolar, are widely varied. So, this blog will
essentially be a journal for me.
You will learn a lot about me, but I think what you will
learn most is about how I think, and how I feel, since my brain is wired a
little different than yours. We bipolars feel the same way you do, just a bit
more intense. We don’t need a reason to be depressed, sometimes we just are-
even though I still try to find reasons for it anyway. Other times, we are
thinking a mile a minute, getting genius ideas one right after another, and are
up working at two o’clock in the morning because our brains won’t let us sleep.
Being bipolar shades my perspective of everything. The main reason I talk about
my mental illness is because of the stigma attached. I believe there will be
fewer pre-conceived notions or judgements if I talk openly about it.
Just as bipolar will have a say in everything I write, so
will my membership in the Church. I’ve grown up in The Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter-day Saints all my life. Yes, that makes me a Mormon. My parents were
members; my grandparents and great grandparents were also members. I’ve learned
there are certain expectations for me because of that. But I’ve also learned I
don’t need to live up to those expectations, only according to the dictates of
my own conscience. I recognize there will be some who will question me because
of my beliefs. I recognize I am not exactly a religious scholar and there are
many questions I cannot answer. I’m not here to prove whether or not my church
is true, only to share my perspectives and feelings about the doctrine I’m
taught.
As you can see, I have no problem talking about my mental
illness or my membership in the church. Both are a very real part of who I am,
and I don’t like holding myself back from anyone who would be my friend. I have
faced rejection, but the acceptance far outweighs it.
Now a word concerning the title of this blog: “Bipolar Brain
Dance” has a couple different meanings. First, the obvious side of bipolar and
the brain; in a sense, the brain does a bit of a dance as it maneuvers between
mania and depression and anything in between. But “Brain Dance” means something
else, too.
I studied dance at Brigham Young University, with an
emphasis on modern dance (though I did take several other forms: ballet, tap,
Chinese folk, ballroom, creative movement, etc.). While I was there, I came to
learn about the brain dance, as developed by Anne Green Gilbert. The idea is
that moving helps your brain , including specific movements to help with
specific brain functions. I became very intrigued by this concept and couldn’t
shake the question: can moving/dancing really aid cognitive functioning?
Every senior in the dance program has a few options to end
their undergraduate experience. Most choose a choreography project, where they
create a dance and have it performed by fellow dancers at a concert. I,
however, chose a different route. I decided on a research project instead. I
had already been published as a dance researcher, and was convinced I could
find compelling evidence to support the idea of the brain dance. I presented a
strong paper, and was told by my supervising professor that for all intents and
purposes, I had shown him work of a graduate student. I took that as a huge
compliment since I had considered going to graduate school, but it had to take
a back seat to other responsibilities.
I still consider this my peak accomplishment at school. I
still try to stay involved in dance. I don’t work outside the home, but
sometimes, I’m involved as a dance professional in local schools. My last
choreography project was to reinvent “Thriller” for my congregation as a
surprise flash mob for our Halloween activity. It was a lot of fun. You can watch it here:
So, there you have it: me in a nutshell. Goodness, I feel a
little bit like a Mormon Ad: My name is Michelle Black. I’m a wife, a mother. I’m
a dancer and choreographer. I’m bipolar, and I’m a Mormon. :)
