Suicidal Thoughts

I sat alone- very lonely- feeling useless- that my life was pointless, and that I was causing more harm than good. No matter what anyone said to me, I couldn’t feel loved- only emptiness. My mind started wandering, and with what felt like a completely natural thought process, they began:

“If I were to commit suicide- how would I do it? I’m too much of a baby to use a gun or a knife, or do anything really violent. I just want to go quietly. Maybe I would just take every pill we have in the house. Or maybe I will turn on the car and breath in the toxins till I fall asleep. Maybe I’ll just do both- to make sure it works.”

These thoughts came more than once, but as long as they were just in my head, it wasn’t a big deal. Or so I thought.

Soon after that, I noticed things were not right with my body; I was tired all the time, I felt kind of out of whack, though I don’t really know how to describe it. I figured I needed a dosage change in my bipolar medications, so I went to my new family doctor. I described to her the symptoms I was feeling, and told her I probably need a change in my bipolar medications. Then, kind of as an afterthought, I told her about these thoughts. As I described them to her, I realized the seriousness of what I was saying. Was this really coming out of my mouth? Were those thoughts seriously in MY head?

I watched as the doctor’s jaw dropped, and she stopped her business of typing on the computer. I could tell she was very concerned, and now, so was I. She told me about certain levels of suicidal thinking. There are suicidal thoughts, suicidal planning, and suicidal intentions. Suicidal thoughts, she said, could be something like “I wish I could just disappear” or “my family would be better off without me”. Suicidal planning was exactly where my head was- how would I do it? Even though I had a plan, I had no intentions of carrying it out. It just felt like normal wondering… And Suicidal intentions are just that- real intent to follow through and carry out my plans.

This is not an easy subject to write about, but I have felt for some time that it needed to be done. Suicidal thoughts are real, and can happen to anyone. My experience with suicidal thoughts and suicidal planning scare me to this day. How could I let it get that far? My circumstances were NEVER bad. I’ve ALWAYS had a team of good people surrounding me. It was never an issue with my life circumstances- it was an issue with my mental health. Somehow, that made it worse. A little stigma played into this, too. Somehow, because it’s in my brain, that made the problem inaccessible.

I hope this blog can help be a game changer for someone. The information in this blog in no way replaces getting professional help. It is only meant to help the readers understand a little more about suicide and suicidal thinking.

While attending Women’s Conference in April, I went to a session entitled “Only He Would Know the Intent of the Heart: Understanding Suicide”, which gave me more valuable information to pass on to you. The words of the two speakers will be bolded. My additional thoughts will be in regular or italics.

David Wood

Brother Wood gave lists of information regarding someone who may be at risk for suicide. He said that those at risk:

•  Never says on their own they have suicidal thoughts
• May send clues or invitations
• Part of them is contemplating dying, but part of them also wants to live
• Will usually discuss suicide first with a NON-professional

We were given an introduction to the Interpersonal Theory of Suicide as developed by Dr. Joiner. These were a few of the life-sustaining needs of an at risk people:

• Perceived Burdonsomeness: thoughts along the lines of “People will be better if I’m gone”, “I’m a disappointment to others”, “I’m the reason that others are ___________”
• Thwarted Belongingness: Limited social support/loss of closeness, relationships never materialize, painful disruption in key relationships
• Acquired capabilities: experiences that desensitize to pain and fear, or prior attempts

Don’t be surprised by the following: Brother Wood said it’s okay to ask someone: “Are you thinking about suicide?” It’s easy to assume they won’t answer in the affirmative. But, in asking this, its almost like you’re giving them permission to release a load from their shoulders. Don’t freak out if they do answer yes. The thing is- like in my story above- most people don’t realize the level of severity unless they talk about it. Once they are allowed to talk about it without being judged, they can come to terms with what they need to do on their own (though they might not want to do it alone).

Lisa Leavitt

Sister Leavitt spoke mostly of how to cope when someone you know has committed suicide. She talked about the grieving process: denial, anger, guilt, isolation, confusion, and how these steps all lead towards healing. She wanted everyone to recognize that all these feelings are normal and valid and have no set time limit.

One thing that she said about guilt was that many feel guilty for being angry, and use the phrase “I could have prevented”. While waiting for the class to start, I actually heard someone say “If I had only been a better mother…” My heart broke for this woman. I did not know everything about her story, but it cut straight to my heart that she felt so sure that she could have prevented her son from committing suicide, and blamed herself for it happening. I wanted to wrap her up in love and reassurance. But, I recognize that she is on her own path of finding peace again. I pray that she finds it.

Sister Leavitt also spoke of other things that someone dealing with the suicide of a loved one might be dealing with:

• There will always be unanswered questions
• They may socially withdraw
• They are also dealing with the stigma of suicide (and many avoid the topic altogether)
• They may feel abandoned by God
• They are coping with a great deal of confusion

Knowing these small facts may help us understand what the families and friends have to deal with now that their loved one is gone. It tells me to be more open and loving, and deal with feeling uncomfortable if they need to talk.

Finally Sister Leavitt spoke of the one thing we all know, but is important to reiterate: A Savior was promised. Only He knows the magnitude of our struggles. You have read my words about this topic before, and trust me, this won’t be the last. I know that Christ is my Savior. I know it is in his power to take away my pain, but sometimes He allows me to suffer, and He teaches me in the process if I let Him. I am so grateful to know I am not fighting my battles by myself. I know that Christ suffered in the garden of Gethsemane to take upon him my sins, but to also take upon him my physical pain and my emotional pain. He knows what it feels like to think that there is no way out- to feel completely hopeless and helpless and useless. And he did that so he could be there for ME- and know and understand ME. The acceptance of this is empowering.

With my Savior on my side, I was able to take the necessary steps to getting help. My husband took off work and stayed at home with my kids, so that I could go to the University of Utah Neuropsychiatric Hospital. I felt like I didn't belong at first, but everyone who worked there was so respectful and understanding. The psychiatrist that I was placed with regulated my meds, and my social worker found me a psychologist and a psychiatrist to be my guides as soon as I left the hospital. Have I had suicidal thoughts since? Yes, in all honesty, I have. But, they've been more fleeting because it's been easier to talk about and easier to know what to do when that happens. I am continually in recovery- which is a good place to be.

I hope this has served to give you more understanding of suicide and suicidal thinking. Below is a national crisis number if ever you need help. There is NEVER shame in asking for help. It is a sign of strength.

1 (800) 273-8255

Help and Hope: Coping With Depression

At Women’s Conference, there was a possibility of going to 6 separate classes. In each time slot, there were 15 classes to choose from. It was a very difficult choice. There were so many good options. But I had a specific goal and purpose in mind. I wanted to see what kind of insights I might find on mental health/mental illness to write about on this blog. That made the decision a lot easier. There were 3 separate classes that spoke about mental health and mental illness. So as not to stress myself out, I only attended these three classes, and boy- do I have some good stuff for you!

I was going to try and cram all three sessions I attended into one blog, but there are way too many good insights to just breeze through them all. I think I will have to do one blog entry for each class. For the purpose of this entry, I will use bolded words to show what the speakers said, and regular or italicized wording for my own thoughts and insights. Each class had two speakers. This first class was called “Help and Hope: Coping with Depression”.

Shauna Beard

Sister Beard had a list of helpful hints when learning to deal with depression (and I regret to say I didn’t catch them all- I don’t write fast enough). One was to recognize the symptoms. I have been taught to do this with both bipolar depression as well as mania. There are generally patterns associated with an episode. They may be different from person to person, but over time, you learn to recognize when you might be dipping down into depression (or mania) again, and you can initiate actions that can minimize the effects of an episode.

Seek professional help. PLEASE!!! We all need help sometimes, and there is NO shame in asking for it. If our car breaks down, we take it to the mechanic, not hide and pretend that everything is okay. Mental illness is just like a heart condition- it needs professional care. This care may include medication, verbal therapy, or even hospitalization. The sooner you get professional help, the sooner you can lessen the effects of depression.

Respond with kindness- even to yourself. We humans (especially we women) have a terrible habit of not giving ourselves a break. We are compassionate and understanding and kind to those around us, but if we ourselves are struggling, we respond by beating ourselves up. STOP IT!

Don’t stop searching until you get the help you need. I have almost always been pretty open about having bipolar, and gave my husband permission to talk about it as well (It can be very draining on a caregiver). He found someone that gave him this same advice. Just because you go to a therapist doesn’t mean that’s the best therapist for you. Apparently, this man’s wife went to a therapist for a number of years until she finally admitted it wasn’t helping her. They found another therapist that was more in synch and this man’s wife could finally start getting the help that worked for her. It’s okay to be more aggressive in your search for good care.

Fear can be dispelled through correct knowledge. Depression can be a scary thing. You have thoughts that aren’t you. You don’t feel like you. You suddenly feel completely alone and lonely in a room full of family and friends who love you. However, recognizing depression for what it is (situational or clinical- see previous post) can give you more power. Just the knowledge that there’s something in your brain that’s causing those things makes it more real instead of an all-powerful controlling entity. Learn everything you can- and you’ll better be able to manage it.

My therapist and I frequently talk about taking our “daily vitals”. These vitals are basically me checking in with myself: where am I on the scale? How depressed? How manic? Did I take my medication today? How much sleep did I get? Was I irritable or anxious today? These things help me stay in tune with myself and my disorder. I was thrilled when Sister Beard talked about taking your religious vitals. Have I read my scriptures today? Have I had a priesthood blessing? Did I pray? Have I been compassionate towards others? Have I been kind to myself? Do I follow the spirit (though this last one is sometimes difficult to do. When a person is depressed, it becomes very hard to feel the spirit or to know when your feeling the spirit)? Staying in tune religiously or spiritually is just as important as staying in tune physically. It helps me keep my disorder in better perspective. It reminds me that there are more sides of me than just a mental illness- I am so much more than that. Remembering my relationship with God bolsters me and keeps me from getting overly angry (yes, it still happens a little, but I’m working on it) when I do have an episode.

Kristina Hansen

Sister Hansen is a psychologist and assistant clinical professor at BYU. It seemed her whole thesis statement was that understanding depression allows for proper responding. She used all of her time to cram as much information about depression as possible. It was amazing- SO much good stuff. I took 3 full pages of single-spaced notes on her talk alone. Here’s a summary of what I gleaned from her:

Talking about depression humanizes both us and depression. I wrote a recent blog entry about why I talk about having bipolar. One of the reasons was that somehow talking makes bipolar less of an all-powerful thing. Talking brings it into perspective and allows me to be in control. To read the full entry, click here.

Depression affects more women than men

Religion alone doesn’t lessen the chance of getting depression. PLEASE- do NOT be hard on yourself for getting depression. For a long time, I was angry and felt hopeless because I kept having the thought over and over “but I’m a good girl. I do everything that I should. Why do I have to suffer through depression?” Trials are trials, and nobody is immune for the possibility of getting depressed. Accepting that fact may make it easier to manage.

There was a list of aspects that may make you more prone to having a depressive episode. These include: stress, loss, anger, genetic predisposition, physical illness, lack of sunlight, low rewards, other physiological causes. It seems to me that not all, but some of these are within our ability to control- or at least lessen the affects of. For example, we can’t control genetic predisposition, but we can lower our stress. Lack of sunlight seems out of our control, but we can buy a grow light or a sun lamp to give us at least a small portion of vitamin D.

Somehow, we Feel more valid if our depression is tied to a reason. NEWSFLASH! And I hate this as much as you do… we don’t always get to have a reason to feel depressed. Clinical depression comes at random times- and may not align itself to what is going on in your life. It is NOT okay for friends or family to say “You have so many things going for you- you shouldn’t be depressed.” If you hear this, they are obviously a little ignorant. Don’t let it get to you.

There are 9 symptoms typical of the depressed (5 need to be present in a two week period in order to be diagnosed as depressed):

·      Depressed mood

·      Loss of interest or pleasure

·      Significant weight loss

·      Insomnia

·      Psychomotor agitation or retardation

·      Fatigue or loss of energy

·      Feelings of worthlessness

·      Diminished ability to think or concentrate

·      Recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal ideation, or an attempt

It has been my belief that when someone struggles with depression, or bipolar like me, or any other mental illness, one should look everywhere for ALL the best practices. Sister Hansen seemed to agree. She said that we should seek help in the form of individual therapy, group therapy, and medication, but doctors say that compassion is the best treatment. Be kind to yourself. You are not less than. You are not at fault, nor should you be blamed. In fact,

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

YOU ARE ENOUGH

Wanting to be loved and accepted is good, but you don’t have to earn love.

First, she stated that seeking help is a reflection of a belief that God wants the best for his children- INCLUDING self.

Then, she proceeded to give a list of Strategies For Resilience

1.    BALANCED lifestyle: daily exercise, good hydration, balanced diet, good sleep, etc. I almost laughed out loud at this one. I don’t know how many times my therapist has reiterated to me these very things. And yes, I notice a big difference when I’m making an effort on this front.

2.    Give yourself time for relaxing and pleasure

3.    Avoid social isolation- This one is really hard to do. All you want to do when your depressed is to avoid other people and just be completely alone. So, we’re basically being asked to go against instincts. So, if we’re to avoid making depression and stress worse in our lives, connecting with others is the key.

4.    Express intense emotions appropriately. If you get really angry, don’t start throwing things or hitting people, take a walk to cool off. Put yourself in time out and working on breathing exercises. Call your therapist and schedule an extra appointment.

5.    Seek professional help. It’s okay to admit if you need help. Everybody does in some capacity at some point in their lives. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to get better.

6.    INVOLVE CHRIST- struggles are a part of God’s plan. I don’t believe we asked or volunteered for our specific trials; but I do believe that God knows us so intimately that he knew how we could grow through this trial. Also, He sent Jesus to suffer and die- not just for our sins- but so He would know how to succor (run to) his people. That means He knows what its like to feel depressed, angry, suicidal, alone, isolated, etc. He KNOWS you. The atonement is not just for sin, it’s so we don’t have to carry this burden alone.

Now, will these things take away your depression? Maybe, but probably not. What they WILL do is take the edge off and make it a little more manageable. I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE!!!

My Eyes Were Opened

What a busy couple of weeks I have had! It’s been full of sickness, doctors appointments, dentist appointments, a new diagnosis and sleep adjustments. By far, though, my favorite activity was the opportunity I had to go to Women’s Conference. Held at BYU, Women’s Conference is very similar to BYU Education week. There are a few keynote speakers, and several classes offered on various topics throughout the course of two days. This was the first time I attended, but I don’t think it will be the last. I went with the objective of finding new perspectives and resources for this blog, and since the blog is mainly about mental health- that became my goal.

I don’t think I can cover everything I want to in just one blog, so I thought I’d take a few entries to cover all the wonderful information I got there. The overall theme this year was “Covenants” (promises between us and God). Many of the speakers spoke of what making covenants can do for us: they protect us, they help our commitment to God, they give us heavenly power, they ease our burdens.

Sister Wendy Watson Nelson went as far as to say the fulfillment of the specific covenant to attend the temple and do family history work will take away depression and anxiety. This is not 100% true. While I don’t discount the power that serving in this capacity has, I do have to make one clarification that I wish she had made. There are two types of depression. There is situational depression, and there is clinical depression. Situational depression is just that; extreme sadness that is brought upon by one or more acts in a person’s life. Clinical depression, though it can be triggered by an event in our lives, it’s not always necessary for a depressive episode to occur. The same thing is true about anxiety. A person may have a little anxiety without having an anxiety disorder.

The reason this is so important to clarify is because I have been on both sides of depression: situational and clinical. And in my experience, service has the power to pull you out of a situational depressive episode. However, it CANNOT pull you from clinical depression. In fact, generalizing statements like these can add a load of guilt on top of clinical depression. I’m already feeling low- so if I’m told that service can take it away, and it doesn’t? That only makes me feel like I’m not righteous enough, and I’m undeserving of God’s power.

Do I recommend doing service when depressed? Yes. It does have the power to ease your situational depression, even if it can’t take it away. Even if clinically depressed, service still might take a small portion of your thoughts and put them on someone else. Clinical depression can be very hefty, though, and can make it physically impossible to remove yourself from your bed. DO NOT think you are any less of a person if clinical depression is in your life. DO NOT believe, for a minute, that you are doing something wrong if service doesn’t take it away.

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I fully enjoyed my experience over the two days spent at Women’s Conference. Each sister I spoke with was more delightful than the last. I wish I took pictures with all of them, but here are a couple whose stories were something I could connect with… and what beautiful spirits!

The final keynote speaker was Elder M Russell Ballard. He spoke of the amazing influence a woman can have. He spoke of our ability to change the world. He advised us to ask questions and find truth on our knees; to desire to fortify our faith; to be unified in faith and purpose; to draw on my unique experience and perspective. He emphasized that everyone has a part and a specific purpose, saying that you didn’t have to earn the role of being a daughter of God. He reminded us that we’ve made covenants to save souls- and to build the kingdom of God and lead the women of the world with those covenants.

I was crying by this point. He had so many amazing things to say about women- about me. There was even one point where everything seemed to slow down, and my eyes were spiritually opened. I looked around the Marriott Center where we were seated, and I saw how many women were there. I was spiritually touched by how much WORTH was in that room; how much LOVE I knew God had for every single person there. And I wanted to tell them.

So, instead, I tell you. I know you are in your own phase of life. I know you have your own reasons for reading this blog… but that doesn’t matter. YOU have so much worth. YOU are beautiful. YOU are strong. YOU have the ability to do hard things. God loves YOU so much. He has a plan specially designed for YOU because he knows you can do it. YOU have a part to play.  YOU are important. YOU are talented. YOU are loved.