Apparently, when I was writing regularly, my moods were much more stable and upbeat. I hope to find a more consistent time to write for this reason. Lately, I have been having what are called "mixed episodes". I go through both the highs and the lows in one day. I haven't felt neither really happy or really sad.... wait- that's a lie. I haven't felt really happy (fine, but not ecstatic)- but I have had some lows. These lows have mostly been tied to my weight. I hate my body. I know better than to say that, but that's probably why it hurts so much- it's true.
One of the changes in my routine has been my exercise. I had started a new exercise regime because I am sick and tired of my weight. I was so thin growing up- I mean REALLY thin. I didn't reach 100 pounds till I was a junior in high school. It looked worse than it was, too, because I'm tall. I'm 5'8". People teased me all the time about being anorexic (which I'm sure did a lot for my self-esteem). I wasn't- I never had any issues with that- I just was abnormally thin by nature. But once I had kids, my metabolism and body type changed. So, I started DDP yoga. And it was working- I started losing inches. Then, I had one week that threw off my schedule- and I gained everything back, plus 10 pounds. When I realized that, I lost it. It takes so much hard work to get anywhere- make one mistake, and you're back to square one.
Yeah- I know you all have the right solution to my problem. I always am looking for the "easy fix". But I know better. Exercise regularly. Eat right. De-stress (which I may need some help with). I'm starting DDP yoga again on Monday. I did get somewhere with that- so I'm hoping my body will remember losing the weight once I start back up.I think I'm putting extra pressure on myself lately, too. My husband and I will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary in January, and soon thereafter, going somewhere to celebrate just the two of us. We haven't decided 100% on where we want to go, but it would be nice to feel attractive for him. (He says it's not an issue- and he's attracted to me right now... but I need it for me- because I feel ugly and run down these days.)
I'm hoping that in writing these things down, I will let the venting clear my head and let me think and feel better about myself. I know that feeling attractive is more of a mindset than of an appearance. Over the course of my life, I have let magazines and movies dictate what "sexy" and "attractive" are. They still heavily influence how I feel about myself. I don't really know how to change that, but I do know a trick that helps me begin to feel better about myself.
It is a good idea to be healthy. Exercise is good. Eating healthily is good. But the point of it should be to help me feel good- not so much to make me look like those supermodels I see in the magazines, or all those skinny movie stars. Then, instead of focusing on the things I don't like about myself (for me, my belly and the beginnings of my double chin), I need to focus on the things I do like about myself. For example, I love my eyes- the color, the shape. I like my hands- how my dancers training has given me very elegant hands, and how the bump on my right middle finger tells how I wrote countless stories when I was young. My smile- genuine. My legs- longer than my husband's legs, and he is taller than me. My feet- fairly small for how tall I am; I also like my dancer's point.
You know what else I like about myself? I'm adaptable. It showed really well in my dancing- I could learn new dancing styles easier than many others- I was told I have a Chinese soul when I was learning Chinese dancing techniques because I could adapt to their aesthetic. I planned on going to graduate school, but kids came first, so now I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm also creative. I'm always finding new projects to do. Right now, I'm creating some tooth fairy pillows from scratch. I'm also working on some Christmas advent calendars, and some rods to hang my necklaces from. I'm a romantic. I love the smell of books, and traveling to a new culture. I believe in the power of listening and being real with someone. I also believe in the power of being vulnerable.
This is a good start for me... focus on the good- on the outside AND the inside. I'm for sure far from perfect- and that kills me sometimes- being the perfectionist that I am- but I'm a good and interesting person. I deserve to treat myself right.
