This location was my blog a long time ago. I got a more custom blog for a while, and was really pleased with it. Unfortunately, we were given bad information on the upkeep of the blog, and lost everything... and I mean EVERYTHING. All those blogs lost to the empty space of the universe. Oh, well. I let myself mourn for a while, started a facebook page with more simple entries (found at facebook/bipolarbraindance), and just lived there for a while. I think I'm brave enough to try a blog again.
So, thanks for coming and welcome back to my more wordy journal. My goal here is to try to be more vulnerable- more in-the-moment in these entries. My facebook page is good for more pre-planned helpful entries. But I'm hoping the blog will i you the raw emotions, as well as the day to day boring stuff that is my life with Bipolar. I want to be real with you...
So, here it goes...
I've been in a mixed episode lately. Sometimes, I feel just fine. Other times, I really don't understand myself. Like the other day, I was trying to have just a normal conversation with my husband. But the things that were coming out of my mouth were absurd! I was absolutely aware of what was coming out of my mouth, but there was no filter, so it was like an out of body experience. I kept telling myself to shut up, but I had no control. Even in front of my husband, who has been with me for 16 years now and has seen me in every light, I was embarrassed.
I still have my manic genius moments. During this episode, I have started writing two books. One about Bipolar, and the other about raising kids. I think both will be nice for me to have and use as resources- even if no one else wants to buy. But I am going to try to get them out there... even if they take me forever to get done (Since I jump from project to project and have a hard time getting anything done).
OH! And the other other day, I just felt so conflicted. There was so many voices in my head about doing things: "you need to paint the walls", "you need to build the bookshelves", "you need to make some wallets and purses", "you should focus on your kids for a while", "You need to go out and buy stuff" (that one is my Bipolar cure all... Unfortunately, its amazing how a little retail therapy can end up spending your husband's entire paycheck), "you kind of suck- go lose some weight", "you don't have any friends". No matter what you try to do, you feel no sense of accomplishment or purpose. You just feel like something should change... so I did what a lot of people with Bipolar do- I dyed my hair... to bleach blonde. It took a couple days to get used to it, but it's not too bad of a color... a little extreme, but I dye my hair a lot in this phase of life. I think it's another fix-all that doesn't cost as much as all the stuff I could ever want to buy. I've tried pink, brown (lots of different shades- browns look pretty good on me), a lot of highlights (I like highlights a lot)... but the one I like the most is an intense auburn... kind of an almost purple sort of deep red with a brown base. Yup- I think I'll go back to that one once the platinum (and possible pink) calm down, or get cut off.
See what I mean? I'm just kind of jumping all over the place- but that is really me right now. I can't say if it's mostly the Bipolar mixed episode, or maybe its my ADHD which I had to stop taking meds for. Boo. My ADHD med was a stimulant. It did wonders for my focus, but flipped me into a really bad manic episode. I was able to come down from the pure mania, but got stuck in this mixed episode.
Mixed is still where I get the most confused. I know a lot of management strategies for mania, and a lot for depression, but have harder of a time knowing what to do when I'm mixed. I just kind of guess a lot of the time. Maintenance strategies are still the best to carry you through any episode, but sometimes, you just need a reboot.
So I find it kind of funny that the reboot of this blog is happening simultaneously with the reboot of my Mental management. A lot of things have happened over the past 6 years or so. I won't tell the whole story now- just know that my family and I have kind of been put through the ringer. Well, we have finally found a more permanent and stable living situation. We've been in our new house for a little over a year, and I have found that many strategies don't work the same for me. I wrote a bunch down, and started re-evaluating what I should keep, and what I might need to change. Meds will stay put- except for maybe some new meds for ADHD. The rest of them are good.
I'm having to start fresh with exercise since my back injury, but I'm still convinced daily exercise will help me stay more even throughout the day. So, that will stay on the list.
I've stopped paying attention to the guided meditation app I've been using. I end up just falling asleep. I need to meditate, but I'm afraid I'll have to do it on my own- putting more effort into it. I'll try them during the day instead of bedtime.
I stopped mood charting sometime during the last 6 years, and haven't been able to get back to it. Jake swears it makes a difference in my mood.
Writing has always been helpful to me in "working through", or "figuring out" my feelings, so using this blog as a journal should kill two birds with one stone!
I also think in order to keep my brain less cluttered, I need to keep my physical space less cluttered. I've always had a bad habit of leaving piles all over the house. I don't feel this is bothersome. I don't even notice my piles until my brain starts to get super messy. Occasionally, cleaning up would be beneficial for my mental health.
This is where I'm starting. We'll see what works and what doesn't. This overhaul might take some time- but I've got to start somewhere.
Welcome Back to the REBOOT!
