The Quest for Happiness

This is a talk about happiness that I gave at church a few months ago. It is easy to see my efforts as finding a bunch of doctrine that could be used in the quest for happiness. But the thing is I actually believe it. I was in a pretty deep depression when I went on a personal quest to create happiness, and this is the list I came up with. If I could change anything, I would add one thing to the list, that after we have done everything we can to find happiness, and are still feeling unworthy and sad, we need to get help. The only reason I didn’t include it in this talk was because I taught a combined class about a month later- all focused on getting help to be happy. I truly believe these things can bring happiness closer to a person’s heart and mind. Though it’s not always possible to do it on our own, when done with a sincere purpose of heart, happiness comes closer to our grasp.

For a long time, I thought that happiness was our reward for enduring through this life. Get through it, and then you’ll be happy. But listen to what Joseph Smith taught:

“Happiness is the object and design of our existence.”

And the scriptures teach us that “men are that they might have joy”. Not men will be that they might have joy, but are- right now.

So, what if happiness isn’t just the end of our story? What if happiness becomes the means to the end? We are meant to be happy now- not just when the world is over and we’ve finally been perfected. Not just when we get that dream job, find our soul mate, and win the million dollar sweepstakes. Not when we have just one more child, or when we are finished raising our children. But now. In this life. Even this minute.

James E Faust introduced a very interesting concept about happiness. He suggested that happiness is not something to be consumed- it is something that we generate. Happiness is not acquired or attained; it’s created. We create our own happiness.

How is this accomplished? First of all, it requires work on our part. The church teaches that we need to be self-sufficient. We can’t rely on others to give us our happiness, even our own family members. Your husband or wife can’t give it to you. Nor are your parents responsible for your happiness. You must do everything you can first to ensure your OWN happiness.

The following are some tools that I have found helpful in achieving my own happiness.

1.    Be Optimistic

This is not the same thing as happiness. Optimism is action Optimism is a choice we make. It is something we do on purpose to see the best in every situation we are given.

It is not possible to be happy all the time. The scriptures teach there must be opposition in all things. So, the car will sometimes break down. We will have disagreements and sometimes lose our temper. Our health will sometimes fail us. There will be negative things going on in the world. There will also be times when we are sad for no apparent reason. The point of optimism, though, is to help us overcome the sometimes perpetual negativity that surrounds us.

President Gordon B Hinckley spoke of the power of optimism. He said “we are creatures of our thinking. We can talk ourselves into defeat, or we can talk ourselves into victory.”

One way we might help ourselves use optimism is keeping a gratitude journal. Gratitude and optimism are very similar- those with these attributes see the light and count their blessings. In practicing gratitude, we will see the blessings more naturally and easily, thus making us more optimistic.

There is something else I learned about optimism. It keeps us faithful. Patricia Holland stated that “Optimism (leads) to hope which (leads) to faith.” President Uchtdorf teaches that “Hope is made manifest in optimism.” So, as we continue to utilize optimism, the stronger our faith and hope become, resulting in an even greater capacity to be optimistic. It’s a cycle.

2.    Prayer

Don’t just say your prayers- really pray. Ask to be happy. Heavenly Father will always answer our prayers. He may not give it right away, or in the way we expect, but he will always give it. Maybe he wants to see you work a little harder for it, but in his time, he will always answer our prayers.

Even if He doesn’t give you happiness right away, your prayers will help you develop your relationship with Him, helping you realize His love for you, as well as your divine and royal identity.

President Uchtdorf taught: “The more we allow the love of God to govern our minds and emotions- the more we allow our love for Heavenly Father to swell within our hearts- the easier it is to love others with the pure love of Christ.” Which leads me to my next point:

3.    Service

This could mean really investing in your current calling. It could mean a major service project. It could mean simply lending an ear or giving words of encouragement. I have been the recipient of a lot of service over the years: watching my kids, helping me go grocery shopping or get to a doctors appointment, or just holding my babies during relief society or sacrament meeting so I can focus a little more on being spiritually fed. You know who you are. Thank you. Many of you have said that it’s nothing, but you really have no idea how much it means to the recipient.

I hope you have felt the joy of helping others. Lifting our neighbor lightens our own burdens. It helps us focus elsewhere rather than on ourselves. When we focus on our own trials, they are sometimes blown out of proportion, making them seem insurmountable. But, when we focus on others, our challenges are put into better perspective, and they seem a bit more manageable.

4.    Study the Words of the Prophets, Both Ancient and Modern

Both the scriptures and the words of the living prophets can invited the spirit into our lives. The uplift, inspire and teach us.

President Gordon B Hinckley was well known for his optimism and winning attitude. He reminded us to keep trying- to be believe and be happy. He said “In my ninety plus years, I have learned a secret I have learned that when good men and good women face challenges with optimism, things will always work out. Despite how difficult circumstances may look at the moment, those who have faith and move forward with a happy spirit will find that things always work out!”

5.    Follow the Commandments

We know that wickedness never was happiness. The commandments and guidelines of the Lord’s church are there to lead us to happiness. Remember the Joseph Smith quote from the beginning of this writing? Let me continue that same quote:

“Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God.”

In John 13:17, Christ teaches “If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them.” Sometimes, this seems overwhelming, and we mess up, but that is why we have:

6.    The Atonement

The atonement is central to the plan of happiness. Without it, the plan would cease to function. Christ suffered EVERYTHING. Unfortunately, we talk of it so frequently, and in such general terms, I wonder if we have forgotten its personal meaning. The atonement is there to help us improve ourselves and come closer to Christ. When we sin, we separate ourselves from the spirit, causing feelings of discomfort: pain, sorrow, guilt. However the atonement covers much more than sin. Christ suffered EVERYTHING.

He knows what it feels like to be a single parent. He has dealt with the emotions associated with same gender attraction. He knows how it felt to lose a parent to cancer, or a sibling to a drunk driver. He’s had depression. He’s been lonely, betrayed by a friend, and hated by many- more than once. He feels the pain of infertility. He knows the frustration of having a distant spouse. He knows what it feels like to have a mental illness.

He also knows the physical pain and discomfort: he’s felt his tonsils removed, every muscle torn, every disease known to man- plus more. He KNOWS us- the intimate dealings in our minds and in our hearts. He knows our intentions. We can turn to him to heal- whether it’s to heal from sin, or to heal from emotional hurt, or physical pain. He’s been there. He can help to make us whole- if we but turn to Him.

I know He is real. It's not just a nice story. Christ lives. He LOVES us, individually and collectively. He suffered for me- He suffered for you, and He wants to help us. I love Him with all my heart. That we may seek His guidance and His love is my prayer. In His name, even Jesus Christ, Amen.

Stigma

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about stigma- what it means, what it entails, how it feels, and how it has changed for me over the course of my journey. Stigma, by a definition found in a google dictionary, means “a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.” The definition then specifically sites “the stigma of mental disorder”. How very fitting. Of all things to be an example of stigma, mental disorder is it.

So, why is there a mark of disgrace? My guess is that years ago, when mental disorders were being discovered, people were scared of it, just like people are scared of it now, and the stigma is perpetuated. If something is wrong with your brain, you must be (fill-in-the-blank).

That’s how I felt when I was first diagnosed. I thought I learned what it meant to have a mental disorder- that I was a screw-up, that I was eternally flawed, that I wasn’t the perfect girl with the perfect life that I thought I was. Just because a new title was placed on me, I was suddenly unworthy of everything; of people’s love and people’s time. I used to be perfect, but now I learned differently. And being the perfectionist that I was- this was unacceptable news.

I went into hiding. I shut myself up- not physically as much as emotionally. I let the stigma control who I was, and what I did. I was just as scared of it as everyone else seemed to be. If I wasn’t the person I thought I was, who was I supposed to be? What did this label mean for me?

I’m not sure when the change happened because now, I feel differently about the label, the title, the stigma. Somehow, I was able to make the change from being defined by a word, to taking control of who I am and what I do. Mental illness, disease, disorder, manic-depressive, bipolar, crazy, quirky; these are all just words. How I allow myself to feel about these words can have a great affect on my reaction if I let it. These are just words- and I’m not about to let words have more power over me than I have power over myself.

Stigma is more about personal attitude and choice than it is about the label itself. I can choose to let the words get to me, and affect how I feel about myself. Or I can choose to let the words wash over me. They’re just words, after all. The most important thing in managing bipolar is my attitude towards the disorder. I call it what it is- I can use a number of words to describe it, but it’s my attitude that changes how I feel. Where many might take offense, I don’t. I have chosen to see it for what it is, not what others might think or be scared of it. It’s just a difference in how my brain functions. That’s all.

Beyond the Medication

A few days ago, I wrote a blog discussing the importance of medication in managing bipolar. I acknowledged that not all with bipolar experience it the same way I do. In fact, no one experiences it the same way. I only write according to my own experience. I write the things that have helped me in the hopes that someone may find it helpful for them.

Managing bipolar is like putting together a huge puzzle. It is difficult to piece together, but it is necessary in order to find your own balance. Medication is, I think, like putting the edge pieces together- finding a framework in which to place the other pieces. But there is more to managing bipolar than just taking meds. This blog will discuss several management strategies or tools that I have used and find helpful in keeping my moods stable. For the most part, I consider them maintenance tools, and I do them whether or not I’m currently experiencing symptoms, but I’m sure they can also be used when in the middle of an episode. I think many of this can also be applicable to other struggles: depression and anxiety disorder are clear examples.

1.     Medication. I have talked already about the importance of finding the right medication. This is a difficult uphill battle for many. It’s important to find a good psychiatrist that can help with medication management: finding the right med, then the right dose.

2.     Therapy. My therapist is a rock star. In fact, many of the management strategies you’ll find on this list have come from her. She is a specialist in mental illness, and that’s why she was able to find me some tools to put into my management toolbox. A therapist can help one to positively process the many emotions that come with bipolar, and help one realize what may or may not be normal for the disorder. The important thing about getting a therapist is finding a good one. It’s easy to get attached to one’s therapist because you discuss intimate details of your personal life, and your illness. However, if you’re not making progress with your therapist- FIND A NEW ONE! Find one that works with you- one that will help you accomplish your goals, give you the tools you need, and treats you with respect.

3.     Chart My Moods. I must admit, I’m having a more difficult time with this one. I chart my moods every day for the purpose of seeing any patterns emerging. I have yet to find any patterns, but I understand the reasons we do it. Once patterns are found, we are able to better prepare ourselves for what’s coming. Whether that means gathering a good support group, taking extra medication, hiding your credit card, etc.

4.     Journal Writing. This is the reason that I am doing this blog. Journal writing can help make sense of what we’re experiencing. Just like talking to a therapist, writing in a journal is a way to positively process any outrageous, or simple, emotions we’re having. One journal strategy that my therapist has recommended is if I’m thinking obsessively about something (a frequent occurrence with me), I should simply write down the one or two sentences describing it, and crumple up the paper and throw it away. It sounds ridiculous, but it actually makes me stop thinking about things. It’s amazing how the simple things can help us make sense of what’s going on in our brains.

5.     Positive Self-Talk/ Reframing. I have a terrible habit of talking in negatives; especially when it comes to my feelings about myself, my looks, my impact on the world, etc. When I catch myself (which, again, I don’t realize very often) or am caught by my husband talking negatively about myself, I stop, and reframe. I take the same thought and paint it a different color. The point is to take the thought on a slightly different trail- not turn it completely around. For example, if my thought is “they hate me”, my reframe might be “that’s not my problem”, or “no one can be loved by everyone”. The reason this is important is because we very easily defeat ourselves with the thoughts that go through our heads. If we can put a more positive spin on that thought, we will have more control of our day, and our attitudes.

6.     Routine. Another difficult one for me. I hate routine. I got so tired of doing the same thing at the same time every day, so I never did it. Then, I had twins. The only way I surv

ive with them is by having a schedule. And you know what I realized? I’m much more stable when I know what is coming next in my day. I think it allows the brain to be a little more calm when I’m not searching for what to do next. I think it also allows me a structure that I can follow whether I’m manic or depressed. I don’t have to think about what comes next, I can just do. So, on those days that I feel so down that I don’t want to shower- it’s not a question as to whether I do it or not- it’s what comes next in my day. All I need is a little follow through, and most of the time, it works.

7.     Sleep. Every bipolar managing website I’ve been to says to get the same amount of sleep. I think it boils down to routine again. My body functions more evenly if it gets the same amount every night.

8.     Diet and Exercise. Good diet and exercise are an essential part of any well-balanced lifestyle. And when I say diet, I don’t mean Atkins, or Paleo, or whatever the new diet is at the time. I just mean eating healthy overall. Making sure the body gets essential nutrients and following basic diet rules help the body to function well, even when the brain is a little off. In addition to a well-balanced diet, I’ve read that for those who have bipolar should consume little to no caffeine. Though caffeine cannot cause mania, it could escalate an already existing mania. Being a dancer, I understand the reasons for exercise as well. It gives the manic energy an outlet. It also releases well-needed endorphins when one is depressed. As part of maintenance therapy, it gives a consistent connection between the body and the brain, allowing one to think more clearly.

9.     Monitor Myself in the Moment. I’ve already discussed this a little in a previous blog, but it’s a very important part of my bipolar management. There are times, particularly when I’m manic, that I have desires to take on projects. Normally, doing these projects wouldn’t cause a problem, but if these ideas come with feelings of urgency or irritability at others for not being on board, I need to slow down and do the opposite of what I’m feeling. Instead of doing projects, I do one of these management techniques. Sometimes, I do nothing, just to keep myself in check. It’s hard to go against what feels good and natural, but if I know I could potentially cause myself or my family harm by indulging, it’s best I go against my instincts.

10. Slow movement. Much like exercise, doing movement can help create a feeling of connectedness between the body and the brain. The added benefit of doing slow movement, such as Yoga or Tai Chi, helps to slow down the brain, thus allowing me to feel more in control. I’ve also been advised to teach this one to my children. When my girls seem to be getting agitated, I pull out a ball and slowly roll the ball back and forth. They calm down fairly quickly. Not only does this benefit them now, but I am also teaching them management strategies for when they get older, and might have to deal with full blown bipolar.

11. Meditation/ Guided Imagery/ Deep Breathing. This was a new one to me. My therapist recommended doing meditations a few times every day. Meditation is not always the sitting with crossed legs with your hands open on your knees. I started with simple deep breathing while reciting a mantra- such as “everything will be okay”, or “calm mind, relaxed body”. This helped me every day to re-focus myself and remind my mind and my body where I wanted to be. Later, I started using podcasts for my meditations. My favorites are the ones where I am asked to check in with my body- doing progressive muscle relaxations, or a strong focus on different body parts. I think this echoes back to my dancing days- being connected with my body. I unfortunately don’t do my meditations as often as has been recommended (after all, how do you meditate with 13 month old twins crying in your ears?), but I make time to do at least one focused meditation or guided imagery a day. I have seen a difference in my attitude when I do them, and feel a greater irritation building inside of me when I don’t.

12. Other Stress Management Strategies. I’m not very good at recognizing when I am stressed, but I have found that managing stress can be very similar to managing bipolar. Taking a break from life for a minute will help the brain re-focus and calm down from the mania and be distracted from the depression. Be careful with what the choice. If something will make you more irritated or escalate you further into mania or depression- don’t do it. I, for example, should not choose to start an art project when I’m manic, because my mania will only get worse. However, starting one when I’m depressed can help pull me out of depression. The point here is to be nurtured and slow down. Nurturing my bipolar self is a necessity, not a luxury.

·      Practice some Brain Gym (I’ll explain more about these in a future blog)

·      Go for a walk

·      Spend time in nature

·      Get sunlight

·      Take a long bath

·      Play with a pet

·      Work in garden

·      Get a massage

·      Read a book

·      Listen to music

·      Light scented candles

·      Watch a comedy/laugh

·      Go for a drive

·      Dance

·      Play an instrument

·      Pray

·      Play a sport

·      Do a craft

·      Bake

·      Lavender oil

·      Ride a bike

·      Go swimming

·      Service

·      Clean the house

·      Fold and iron laundry

·      Watch a favorite tv show

·      Smell a flower

·      Hug someone

·      Start an art project

·      Play a game with family or friends

·      Sew, knit, or crochet

·      Get organized

·      Practice gratitude

This list is only a starting point. Feel free to add to it as you find new ways to manage your disorder- whether it’s bipolar or otherwise. I’m always open to finding new techniques. I just know that these are working for me so far. I hope you can find it useful.

Medication

I have had a few people ask me about medication, so I have dedicated this blog to the ins and outs of my medication. In short, I am for medication. However, taking medication is a much more complicated answer than yes or no.

For me, taking medication was never a question. I saw how much I was hurting my family through my behavior, and felt it would be a selfish choice to go without. However, though I feel I am still a beginner at this whole bipolar universe (I was initially diagnosed about 4 years ago), I have learned about a few reasons why people choose not to medicate. The first reason is trying to live without emotion. Bipolar gives you a range of emotion that many cannot understand. Some medication seems to completely take away that emotion, and you’re left feeling numb and robotic. However, I don’t feel that all medication gives this reaction. The second reason I have learned about is having a bad reaction to a medication, and being scared out of trying different meds.

Whatever the reason for not taking medication, it’s important to note that everyone experiences bipolar differently. There are also varying degrees to which the disease manifests itself. When I was diagnosed, I was told that I had a mild form of bipolar. I guess there are people who have an even milder form than I do, which enable them to manage bipolar without medication.

Medication for some can be a scary avenue. It can give countless side effects that are scary and undesirable. But I still feel that with the help of the right psychiatrist, a medication can be found with little side effects and can help you manage your bipolar. I’ve been through a number of different medications, and felt like many of them didn’t even work (although it’s hard to tell due the unpredictable nature of the disorder.). But I think we may have found a drug that has helped me stay stable.

It’s called Lithium. By my understanding, it’s one of the most widely used maintenance drugs for bipolar. I’m also currently taking Geodon, which is also a maintenance drug. Taken together, they keep me from hiking too much into mania or dipping too low into depression. Unfortunately, they have their fair share of side effects. I have to drink a lot of water so I don’t have to go through kidney dialysis later in life. I have to pee a lot. I can’t take a lot of fiber, because it makes me get diarrhea. (I know- like you really wanted to know that, right? I’m just being honest here.) And I just learned that Lithium specifically might be responsible for my frequent brain farts, too. I’ve been having a hard time remembering things, and also have poor concentration. It’s pretty frustrating- so I’ll be talking to my psychiatrist about this particular issue the next time I see him. Maybe there’s another drug to combat it. Because so far, I think the Lithium is doing a good job at keeping me stable.

There was another drug that I tried that I really liked. It’s called Latuda. It was just approved by the FDA to be used for bipolar depression. I felt a difference almost right away. I felt calm and in control. Unfortunately, because it was so recently accepted by the FDA, insurance won’t cover it. For a month’s worth of the drug, it was over $500. We tried appealing to the insurance company to cover more of the drug, since it apparently worked so well for me. Unfortunately, we were turned down. So, until there’s a generic form, or our insurance company is comfortable covering this drug, I have to make do with something else. Bummer.

Commonly used are other mood stabilizers and antidepressants, anticonvulsants, antipsychotics, and benzodiazephines- or central nervous system depressants. A lot of these medications work on your brain to slow down your brain function- since a bipolar brain is a hyperactive one. I’ve tried drugs in each of these classifications. Unfortunately, I didn’t do a very good job at keeping track of which was which and what my reactions were to the drugs. I wish I had- I’d have a much better understanding now of what the drugs actually were doing to me and for me.

The thing to remember about medication is that it doesn’t take away the bipolar. It can’t “fix it”. Medication can only make bipolar a little more manageable.

So, my philosophy on treating bipolar is this: take the best of every treatment avenue, and combine it to find a happy balance that works for you.

Find a good psychiatrist to help you find the right medications.

Find a good therapist.

Learn other management techniques that work for you (I’ll discuss these next time.)

Know that Bipolar is manageable. It only takes desire and discipline. It’s hard, but it’s totally doable. Medication, in my opinion, is a large piece of the managing bipolar puzzle. When used appropriately, it helps one become whole.

Check-In

So far, my blog entries have been about topics that I’ve thought a bit about and have pulled together with a bit of work behind them. I do most of my blog entries with the hope that someone out there can be reached or helped. I just want to make a difference. This blog is my small contribution to society; and they mean a great deal to me as I add to a wider conversation about mental illness. This blog, however, will be slightly different. I’m calling it a “check-in blog”. A check-in blog will have a lot less thought, and a lot more stream of consciousness put to it. I will do these blogs periodically mostly for my own benefit. These are mostly like my journal entries- how am I doing right now on my bipolar spectrum? Is there anything right now that is on my mind? Etc. I hope this doesn’t drive you away from reading my blog, but will perhaps add to your understanding of what the life of a mentally ill person is like.

Lately, I’ve been more on the hypomanic scale. My sleep has been getting worse, and that’s one of the first signs to me that my body is hiking uphill. I usually need 9 hours of sleep, but when I tried going to bed last night at my usual 9:30 bedtime, I couldn’t relax enough to sleep until well after midnight. There are tools I can use- I tried a meditation, then some soft music to help lull me there, but my brain was too awake.

That’s another sign that I’m on the upward swing: my brain. When I get like this, my brain just decides it can conquer the world. I start worrying excessively about things- like my son’s social life or my own impact on the world. I also start thinking obsessively about projects that I can do; creative or otherwise.

 

 Projects are bittersweet for me. For Jake, it means mania without a doubt. For me, projects are just a means for me to feel creative and productive. It is unfortunate that mania, or hypomania, so often accompanies my desire to take on certain projects. Often, they start out just being little innocent things, but by the end, they've turned into a remodeling job. Its no wonder Jake fears when I say the word "project".

The projects that I most want to do lately are organizational projects for both the master bath and the kitchen. My make-up and hair products are taking over the bathroom counter, so I need a way to better organize so they are still accessible, but look nice and clean, too. I have found a few ideas on Pinterest. The one I like the best is a mini shelving unit to change the one large mirror into two smaller ones. Along with this shelf, I could frame out the mirrors so they look a little more custom. How do you like that? The one I like best is the one that would be hardest to do. This is not uncommon for me. Somehow, my hypomanic brain believes that I- who has no experience in woodworking or construction- can accomplish any shelving unit I see on Pinterest. Besides, we don’t have the money to do it… so that’s off the list.

My other project obsession is the kitchen. I want to create a user-friendly family command center. This project has been on my mind for a while, and I’ve already started it. For Christmas, I got a wall file, and a white board calendar to put in this area. I also already have some frames (to use for chore charts and a menu board), and a magnet board that I bought for my son, but then never used it. It’s going to take up an entire wall. I want to put some decorations interspersed through the practical things that I can change out seasonally just to keep things fresh and fun. So, it’s not just a practical project, but a creative one as well.

I think, as much as I hate to admit it, hypomania is the driving force of my creativity. Though I am a creative crafty person in general, I usually don’t get any projects done unless I’m more on the manic side of things. But I’m most of the time manic or depressed. Being in the middle of the road- “normal”- only happens 10% of the time. (I got that statistic from my first psychiatrist.) But I guess that number may increase due to medication and therapy- so there’s really no way of knowing. It’s just a matter of using what energy I have to accomplish what needs to be done, without going overboard.

Always in check. That’s the moral of this story- I always have to keep myself in check. I can never be too comfortable.

So, in the meantime, I’ll keep going with my management techniques. I’ll do slower exercise routines in the evenings. Also, I can’t let myself get too carried away with projects. I’ll work on my family command center, but only a little bit. Hopefully, I can keep the mania to a minimum.

Motherhood

I’ve read in books and comments on the Internet that people who are bipolar are actually advised to not have children. This advice comes from friends, and, surprisingly, from doctors. I have mixed emotions about this. Mostly, though, it makes me sad that people actually believe that because life will present specific challenges, it’s not worth living. Many babies will be born with a specific pre-disposition to have some type of health challenge, but if you’re bipolar, you shouldn’t reproduce? That’s the biggest load of CRAP. It is true that bipolar is genetic, and my children have a chance of getting it, but there’s no guarantee they will. And if everybody stopped having kids because of the possibility of getting a disease- no one would ever reproduce.

I desperately wanted to be a mother, both the first time (before I knew I was bipolar) as well as the second time (when I knew full well the challenges I would face). I believe it was a desire that God placed in me. The memory of this heavenly desire keeps me going, even when I feel like a failure as a mother.

All of us mothers face challenges. And I’m sure most, if not all, question the job they are doing. Am I doing right by my child? Am I giving him every possible advantage? Am I teaching him everything he needs to know to survive in this world? My boy is only 6, and I face these questions every day. Is he getting enough social time? Is he learning everything he needs to at school? Am I attentive enough to him at home, even when my girls need me? Sadly, I feel the answer too often is no.

Then there are my girls. Hello- surprise! You’re getting two at once. That’s enough to make anyone feel overworked and underappreciated. I do anything to make my life a little easier. Small things become huge, and very important. For example, I have decided to make my girls match clothes as often as possible; not because I think it’s cute, but because that’s one less decision I have to make. We don’t go places much because it’s too much of a hassle to take the girls anywhere; load them in and out of the car, take the stroller everywhere I go because I can’t carry both and still have a hand free. Church is a nightmare for me. I am so grateful to a few specific people who volunteer their arms to hold a girl, while I take the other out to change a diaper. Or to take both girls altogether and let me just sit in peace and get something out of church- be spiritually fed myself. You have no idea how much this means to me, ladies. Thank you.

The hardest days, though, are when my bipolar gets in the way of me being the best mom I can be. It becomes a giant hurdle that I have to face- in addition to the regular stresses of parenthood. When I’m depressed, I become unresponsive. I have so little energy that all I can do is cry… yet if I dig deep enough, maybe I’ll find it in me to get off the couch and console a crying baby, or change a poopy diaper. My response time when depressed, however, has decreased considerably. I’m sure my children wonder where I am- even when I’m right in front of them. Depression makes parenthood exceptionally difficult.

As does mania. One symptom of mania is irritability. I can always tell when my mania (or hypomania) is acting up because of my sensitivity to noise. You wouldn’t think this was an issue with mania- because my voice becomes louder and more dominant in the room. But what really gets to me is the talkativeness of a 6 year old, and the crying of a couple of babies. My girls are getting old enough that they have started competing for my attention. They do this by seeing who can scream and cry the loudest. The fact is- I can’t really console both at the same time. I try, but then the girls are close enough to each other that they hit and push the other- trying to be the one closer to me. When I’m hypomanic (because, truthfully, I don’t get truly manic all that often… just a slightly milder form of mania), this noise is too much for me to take. My irritability sky rockets, and I start screaming, too.

I count myself very lucky. It could be a lot worse. But, my kids have sure heard how loud my voice can go, and that’s still enough to make me go to bed with countless regrets. How dare I raise my voice to my children who just needed a little reassurance from me? I recognize that it is very selfish of me to act the way that I do, but it’s all I know how to do right now. I am working on techniques and strategies to calm myself when I’m manic (to be discussed in a future blog). Bipolar is a discipline. It’s something that forces me to learn and be in control. It is not always easy, but for my kids? Definitely worth it.

16-year-old Mentality

Our brain goes through stages of development, just like the rest of our body does. For example, did you know that until you’re a certain age, you believe that you can change genders if you want to? Eventually, our minds grasp the concepts of reality. Each of these phases of development happen naturally. All of them, that is, except one.

It’s called the 16-year-old mentality. At sixteen, most of us believed we were invincible. The world couldn’t touch us because it revolved around us. Everything was black and white. We believe that we’re old enough to understand how the world works, when in truth, we only see a sliver. Coming out of this mentality is a choice. Some people may go through this phase change easily, but others fight tooth and nail to stay in the ignorant bliss and romanticized ideas of the world. I was one of those people.

It all can be initiated by one experience. I was already married, and my husband and I decided to go camping for a family reunion on my mother’s side. Because, being still in the 16-year-old mentality, there wasn’t really a choice as to whether or not going was the best choice for my husband and me. I just accepted the expectations of me (16-year-old me) as truth and what I should be doing. (Looking back on it now, I feel sorry for my poor husband.)

There was an incident one evening at camp. My mother and a cousin got into an argument about something, and sparks started to fly. I witnessed the whole thing, and clearly, we needed to take sides. I, of course, took my mother’s side. It was a clear duty to validate my mother by putting down my cousin. Not because my mother asked us to, but because that was my understanding of sticking to your family. A little later, I was speaking with my husband, trying to get him to validate my mother. But, he wouldn’t do it. He didn’t take sides, because according to him- my cousin did nothing wrong. She only shared an opinion my mother didn’t agree with.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My husband was refusing to take my mother’s side. This was unacceptable. I didn’t know what to say, so I left the tent. By this point, it was getting really dark outside, and people were starting to go to bed. I just started walking.

I don’t know how long I was standing out by the lake. It was apparently long enough for my husband to start worrying about me and start looking for me. But I was in the middle of a major dilemma. Do I still take my mother’s side and be at odds with my husband? (Such was the all-or-nothing state of mind I was frequently in.) Or do I side with my husband and betray my mother? Finding my own opinion about the whole ordeal never entered my thoughts. But then the truth hit me- for the first time, I realized my mother was wrong. She had made a mistake. She wasn’t perfect.

This blew my mind. I went in search of my cousin to apologize for my mother, and I consciously took my first steps into leaving the 16-year-old mentality.

Coming out of the 16-year-old mentality was not a pleasant experience for me. It made me question a lot of things about who I was, and who I wanted to be, about the world around me, and even about my family I had lived with for so many years. There were a lot of moving parts inside my head. The biggest one was being able to accept my past self when I was ignorant, and accepting my current self. Suddenly, nothing was black and white anymore. There were so many layers of explanation that I couldn’t really accept anything at face value anymore.

In church just a couple of weeks ago, we were discussing the creation and the fall of Adam and Eve. We spoke of how perfect their world was before the fall, and how crappy everything seemed for them after the fall. Yet nobody in that class talked about how horrible of a decision that was. Were it not for the fall, we would not exist. And it hit me- Adam and Eve had to make a conscious decision to accept a life of hardship and despair in order to know the good from the evil.

A choice was made- to pass through sorrow and uncertainty- to really be able to understand the good and the evil. I think we similarly must make a choice. It must come more naturally to some than to others- and I know there are yet others who decide to stay in a 16-year-old mentality because it feels safe, and they don’t see a reason to leave it.

For me, leaving the 16-year-old mentality was the biggest eye opener of my life. It made a lot of things a lot harder for me- a lot of decisions more difficult to make. But I wouldn’t go back to the way they used to be. I wouldn’t go back to my eyes half shut because I sincerely believe that, though difficult as it is, it helps me a lead a richer, deeper, more meaningful life. I wouldn’t change that for the world.

The Storm Inside of Me

Many people don’t understand what it’s like to be bipolar. And why would they? They live normal lives where they don’t need to worry about mental illness. SO, let me take you on a simplistic journey. One way to understand bipolar is to just watch the movie, Frozen. I know that it’s just a movie, but it had a deeply profound impact on me as it relates to my being bipolar. Understanding the character, Elsa, is to understand- on a very basic level- what it’s like to be bipolar. I was not prepared for the level of understanding a Disney movie would have on my feelings. I think Elsa was mentally ill- like me.

Let me take you through the similarities between Elsa, and Bipolar. Elsa is born with a power. This power gets stronger the older Elsa gets, and as a result, she shuts herself up- keeping herself isolated from anyone who would get close to her. She’s told her whole life to not have feelings, as those can exacerbate the problems her powers can create. She hides herself not only to keep others safe from her, but to keep people from knowing she has this power.

Bipolar is something you’re born with. It’s a genetic disorder that you may or may not get if you have a parent with bipolar disorder. It doesn’t usually manifest itself till late teens, early twenties, but the predisposition is still there. I have read that even though you don’t know if you are bipolar till your twenties, there are still evidences present: more moody than average, more creative, and outgoing at other times. I don’t know how true this is, but my parents would tell you that this was the case with me. I was always creative, always a little more on the dramatic side.

Back to my comparison. Though its hard to always agree with this; bipolar can be considered a power. Many companies will in fact hire people because they’re bipolar, or more specifically- manic. When I’m manic, I might as well be a walking creation machine. Mania produces great creative minds. Genius (I don’t know how “genius” my ideas really are, but I do feel that way at the time) ideas come in bulk. I am very productive when I’m manic. I get lots of things done.

The down side of mania is that I can be mean. I get really irritable and frustrated that no one else is thinking as quickly as me, and I take it out on the people that are closest to me. I can also spend money like crazy and can cause serious hurt there. So, many times, I isolate myself just like Elsa does in the movie. I know I can cause hurt, so I keep to myself- fighting with myself to keep it under control. The problem comes when I indulge too much in mania. When I do, that usually means my depression is that much worse, so I have to be careful. This is why I have to tell myself the same thing that Elsa did. “Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.” Not having feelings seems like the best way to get over bipolar, however impossible this task is. It seems that to manage it, I need to pretend feelings don’t exist. That way, I can’t hurt anyone.

It’s difficult because a great deal of the time, you’re going against what feels right. Elsa has a joyous song in the movie called “Let it Go”, where she lets herself do whatever feels right at the time. She says “It’s time to see what I can do- to test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I’m free.” I wish I knew what that felt like. But I cause too much hurt- too much damage when I’m careless like that, so I must go against my instincts. I imagine this is what it feels like to stop smoking. You feel that what you need right now is a cigarette, but you have to go against that feeling in order to make any progress in your goal. Going against your instinct really sucks, but you have to trust that making that decision will be the best thing for you and for those you’re closest to. It really sucks.

When I feel manic, I want to get something done, my brain is going a million miles a minute, and I just want to create a new project, or deep clean the whole house. That’s not a bad thing, right? Well, it is if it’s mania telling me to do it, so I have to watch for other signs. Are my thoughts coming super fast? Am I fidgety? Am I getting irritated at other people for not understanding why I want to repaint the kitchen, or put in a backsplash, or make a family command center? Is there a sense of urgency that I have to do these things right now? If I answer yes to one or many of these questions, chances are I’m manic. If I am manic, I must chose to sit and do nothing, or at least work on slower activities rather than conquer the world. That way, I won’t hurt so many people, and my depression won’t be so bad.

I haven’t even discussed depression yet. Sometimes, depression comes quickly, sometimes it’s few and far between, but it always comes, and it’s all you can do to not sleep all day. I have yet to find anything positive in depression except for the fact that it gives my body time to recover from all the mania. I feel about the dance between mania and depression (and mixed episodes) much the same way that Elsa does. In learning that she had set off an eternal winter in her kingdom, she says, “no escaping the storm inside of me”. There is no escape. There will always be manias, and there will always be depressions, and that makes me feel a little hopeless.

Through all of this struggling between mania and depression- feeling a bit like a freak because I can’t be normal no matter how hard I try- I lock myself up just as Elsa did. I get embarrassed when I can’t control the “storm” inside of me, so I keep to myself and don’t talk to people. I don’t like this part. I used to (before knowing I was bipolar) be so outgoing and open with people, but now, I’m just embarrassed. I’m trying to talk to people about my bipolar, but they don’t always care to understand- and I don’t blame them, but I have to try. The more I talk about it, the more it makes sense to me, and I can be more accepting of being this way.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel; one thing that keeps me going, even when I feel like I can’t. SPOILER ALERT! In the movie, Elsa finally learns that the key to controlling her power is love. When she makes this connection, it’s almost an instant resolution.

I just finished reading a book called “An Unquiet Mind” by Kay Redfield Jamison. Though it wasn’t her original intent, she showed me through her own experience with bipolar that love is what pulls us through. She spoke mostly of the love she felt in her romantic relationships, but I see that it can be even more than romance. My relationship with my husband is key- yes. But, so is my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and Savior Jesus Christ. This love is renewing, and empowering. Because they love me, I understand that I am worth loving even with all my flaws, and life’s worth living. Because I love them, I’m given a reason to keep trying – to manage bipolar to the best of my ability. It gives me motivation to stay alive and to find the positive in a life of turmoil. Love. It keeps me humble when I’m manic and keeps me treading above water when I’m depressed. Love is an incredibly powerful thing. Without it, none of this would be worth it. But it is.

So, there you have it: a glimpse into the world of the bipolar. It is not the same experience for everyone who has manic-depressive, but it is this way for me.