FIX IT!!!

As we approach the beginning of a new year, it's customary to take a look at our lives and set goals to  become a better person: lose weight, pick up a new hobby, stop smoking, save money, etc.  In some way, we just want to ---FIX IT!!!

Sorry- I couldn't help myself. That video just makes me laugh. But let’s  get real- it ain't gonna fix itself- whatever “it” is for you.

One of my “its” is my thought patterns. Bipolar is specifically characterized by extreme moods and patterns of distorted thinking. Distorted thinking can have an extreme negative impact on a person’s perception of themselves, others, and the world around them.

None of us are immune from types of distorted thinking at some point in our lives. I think it is at least partially powered by our emotionally charged reaction to things. I would even guess that many break-ups of relationships and families are because of distorted thinking on the part of one or multiple parties. Learning to better control these dangerous thought patterns would be an excellent New Years Resolution. Just an idea...

To review, the main patterns are as follows (for explanations on each type, visit my previous entry here):

•    Filtering

•    Polarized or black and white thinking

•    Overgeneralization

•    Jumping to conclusions

•    Catastrophizing

•    Personalization

•    Control fallacies

•    Fallacy of fairness

•    Blaming

•    Shoulds

•    Emotional reasoning

•    Fallacy of change

•    Global labeling

•    Always being right

•    Heaven’s reward fallacy

In my experience, the first step in overcoming distorted thinking patterns is to question oneself. Challenging every thought that spurs  a negative emotion is not an easy thing to do. Essentially, you are accepting the idea that you might be wrong. In my case, that I might be wrong very frequently.

Once you’ve identified the thought, then you interrogate it. Search for the full picture. Gather the facts. This also includes trying to see the situation from another perspective, including that of your opposition. Be honest. Was that thought really warranted or did your brain overdo it a little?

I admit this is way hard to start, but it gets easier as you retrain your brain to be more balanced and react realistically and not perceptionally, if that makes sense. Perception is reality to many people. But our reality can be more fair and less depressing and angry if we look at a more complete picture.

Below is another list of ideas on how to conquer those poisonous distorted thinking patterns. I took everything below from psychcentral.com.

“1. Identify Our Cognitive Distortion.

“We need to create a list of our troublesome thoughts and examine them later for matches with a list of cognitive distortions. An examination of our cognitive distortions allows us to see which distortions we prefer. Additionally, this process will allow us to think about our problem or predicament in more natural and realistic ways.

“2. Examine the Evidence.

“A thorough examination of an experience allows us to identify the basis for our distorted thoughts. If we are quite self-critical, then, we should identify a number of experiences and situations where we had success.

“3. Double Standard Method.

“An alternative to “self-talk” that is harsh and demeaning is to talk to ourselves in the same compassionate and caring way that we would talk with a friend in a similar situation.

“4. Thinking in Shades of Gray.

“Instead of thinking about our problem or predicament in an either-or polarity, evaluate things on a scale of 0-100. When a plan or goal is not fully realized, think about and evaluate the experience as a partial success, again, on a scale of 0-100.

“5. Survey Method.

“We need to seek the opinions of others regarding whether our thoughts and attitudes are realistic. If we believe that our anxiety about an upcoming event is unwarranted, check with a few trusted friends or relatives.

“6. Definitions.

“What does it mean to define ourselves as “inferior,” “a loser,” “a fool,” or “abnormal.” An examination of these and other global labels likely will reveal that they more closely represent specific behaviors, or an identifiable behavior pattern instead of the total person.

“7. Re-attribution.

“Often, we automatically blame ourselves for the problems and predicaments we experience. Identify external factors and other individuals that contributed to the problem. Regardless of the degree of responsibility we assume, our energy is best utilized in the pursuit of resolutions to problems or identifying ways to cope with predicaments.

“8. Cost-Benefit Analysis.

“It is helpful to list the advantages and disadvantages of feelings, thoughts, or behaviors. A cost-benefit analysis will help us to ascertain what we are gaining from feeling bad, distorted thinking, and inappropriate behavior. Note: 1) clinical concept of secondary gain; and 2) refer to cost-benefit analysis.

“Reference:

“Burns, D.D. (1989). The feeling good handbook: Using the new mood therapy in everyday life. New York: William Morrow.”

Spirals of Distorted Thinking

We call it a spiral at our house; that moment when you remember something you forgot to do, or recognize something you did do, but shouldn't have? Then, all of a sudden, every mistake you've ever made comes crashing into your brain at once. It doesn't matter when the mistake happened- yesterday or 10 years ago.

Next comes the negative self-statements:

-"I'm such a bad mom"

-"I'm a horrible friend"

-"I've never been good at (fill in the blank)"

And finally, we reach an eternal "truth" statement. These aren't really true statements, but they sure feel true to us in the moment.

-"Why would God put me in this situation- I obviously can't handle it"

-"I'm letting everyone down"

If the spiral is bad enough, we might even slip into suicidal-type thinking:

-"My family would be better off without me"

-"I just want to crawl in a hole and disappear"

-"I want to go to sleep and never wake up"

-"I wish I could just stop existing"

And before you know it, you have completely flushed yourself down the toilet.

A spiral is chalk FULL of what's called distorted thinking. There are 15 common types that can be hurtful to our mental well-being- all can be found below. Aside from extreme mood swings, distorted thinking is a key characteristic of Bipolar disorder. However, you don't have to have a mood disorder or a mental illness to suffer from any of the distorted thinking patterns, or to benefit from correcting such thought patterns, either on your own or through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. In my opinion, we could all benefit from challenging our thoughts.

This list was taken directly from psychcentral.com. (http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/)

"1. Filtering

"We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted.

"2. Polarized Thinking (or "black and white thinking)

"In polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re a failure — there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

"3. Overgeneralization

"In this cognitive distortion, we come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as part of a never-ending pattern of defeat.

"4. Jumping to Conclusions

"Without individuals saying so, we know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, we are able to determine how people are feeling toward us. 

"For example, a person may conclude that someone is reacting negatively toward them but doesn’t actually bother to find out if they are correct. Another example is a person may anticipate that things will turn out badly, and will feel convinced that their prediction is already an established fact.

"5. Catastrophizing

"We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and use what if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”). 

"For example, a person might exaggerate the importance of insignificant events (such as their mistake, or someone else’s achievement). Or they may inappropriately shrink the magnitude of significant events until they appear tiny (for example, a person’s own desirable qualities or someone else’s imperfections).

"6. Personalization

"Personalization is a distortion where a person believes that everything others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to the person. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc. 

"A person engaging in personalization may also see themselves as the cause of some unhealthy external event that they were not responsible for. For example, “We were late to the dinner party and caused the hostess to overcook the meal. If I had only pushed my husband to leave on time, this wouldn’t have happened.”

"7. Control Fallacies.

"If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless a victim of fate. For example, “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”

"8. Fallacy of Fairness.

"We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. As our parents tell us when we’re growing up and something doesn’t go our way, “Life isn’t always fair.” People who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness” will often feel badly and negative because of it. Because life isn’t “fair” — things will not always work out in your favor, even when you think they should. 

"9. Blaming.

"We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions.

"10. Shoulds.

"We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything. 

"For example, “I really should exercise. I shouldn’t be so lazy.” Musts and oughts are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When a person directs should statements toward others, they often feel anger, frustration and resentment.

"11. Emotional Reasoning. 

"We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect he way things really are — “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”

"12. Fallacy of Change. 

"We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

"13. Global Labeling. 

"We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves. 

"For example, they may say, “I’m a loser” in a situation where they failed at a specific task. When someone else’s behavior rubs a person the wrong way, they may attach an unhealthy label to him, such as “He’s a real jerk.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. For example, instead of saying someone drops her children off at daycare every day, a person who is mislabeling might say that “she abandons her children to strangers.”

"14. Always Being Right.

"We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.

"15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy. 

"We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score. We feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come."

So, instead of letting our thoughts spin out of control and make us feel less than, let's take action and challenge said thoughts. First, we need to allow ourselves to be imperfect and recognize that the thoughts themselves might be contaminated. Challenge every thought. Question it- does this thought fall into any of the above categories? Practice this for a while. My next post will give more tips on how to challenge and possibly even overcome distorted thinking patterns (with specific details on what has worked for me in the past). Here's to steering clear of the spirals!

The Blind Leading the Blind

Not too long ago, my husband and I moved in with his parents. This was to be a temporary solution as we figure out the next steps of our future. We soon learned this was by divine design. God placed us in my in-laws house for a reason.

We had only been there for six weeks, when my father-in-law unexpectedly passed away. There was no sign that anything was wrong, but his heart got too big (literally and figuratively) to be on earth with us anymore.

Normally, this wouldn't mean much difference for my little family's future, except that my mother-in-law has a medical issue that requires care. What she has is dementia caused my a series of mini strokes. She can't remember things. She has difficulty stringing sentences, or even words, together. She also struggles emotionally- and not just because she misses her husband. She gets frustrated. My father in law did everything for her, and now he's not here. By default, it falls to me to care for her.

This is a perfect example of "the blind leading the blind". In the Bible (Matthew 15:14), Jesus teaches "They be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch." Yup- if I'm to care for her, that's exactly what will happen. After all, our difficulties are very similar to each other.

To an extent, I understand her brain. My brain, too, is wired such that I'm extra-sensitive emotionally. While I'm learning to train my brain so that it is more balanced, I still have emotional problems that no one understands. And it gets so frustrating when no one seems to see the reasons behind my fear, or my anger, or depression, or yes, even my elation. She and I relate in this way.

On the other hand, as I'm learning to manage my emotions and sort of stabilize them, she's slowly getting worse. And now, without her rock, her husband, I'm afraid I just can't fill those shoes. No one expects me to be just like him, but I don't want her quality of life to suffer because I can't be him.

But again, President Thomas S Monson (Prophet and President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) has frequently taught that "Whom the Lord calls, He qualifies". I believe this. I've believed it in the past as I was asked to face hard things in my life- and I have to believe it now. If He saw fit to bring me to this situation, I know He can bring me through it.

So- onward we go: the blind leading the blind. And the thing is- even though I'll be taking care of her- I'm pretty sure she'll be the one leading and teaching me.