Genius idea

I've seen research through many sources that express a link between Bipolar and creativity... Especially during a manic or hypomanic episode. My therapist even said that some companies will specifically  look for a Bipolar employee just for their "creative genius".

Every now and then, I have what I call a "genius idea"- at least it feels that way to me in the moment. I want to keep track of them, and re-evaluate them later to see if they're as genius as they feel in the moment.

Anyway...

I'm throwing myself a birthday party- is that tacky? I feel like it might be a while before I can do something like this for myself again. I'm inviting a lot of people- so that no one gets their feelings hurt, and so I can pretend I have a lot of friends. (I've never been very good at keeping relationships going- is that a Bipolar thing?)

For a long time... Years, even... I've wanted to do an Alice in Wonderland themed party. I'm calling it my Mad Hatter Tea Party. Oddly appropriate, wouldn't you say? Some things the Mad Hatter says are so perfect:

I totally agree.

I'm also making a bunch of decorations, have a fun craft activity planned; I even borrowed my parents croquet set- how perfect is that?

And today, as I was framing some Alice Images for decorations, I had a signature Bipolar "genius idea". I'm thinking a lot about having a mental illness, and how some might seriously call that being "mad" or "crazy". I believe we all have a little "crazy" in us, whether it's certifiable, or just qwerky. But, not many know how to handle their own mental health issue... And I thought- "GENIUS!!!" I would LOVE to travel around and teach people about mental health, and how to manage any issues that may arise (depression, anxiety, etc) I'd love to show them an attitude of- "you're still a normal person", and "dealing with any mental issue is doable- and it's okay. You're okay." "Stigma has no power over you". And I would do all of this in a "Mad Hatter Tea Party" setting with lots of colorful decorations, and teacups and me in a giant Mad Hatter hat- to make it fun and optimistic and normal. I hope this could help to lessen the stigma, help change people's attitudes towards mental illness, and have a greater desire and understanding of caring for their own mental health.

My first impression was to do this for the Relief Society (the organization for women in the LDS church). If it went well, I'd take it anywhere that would have me.

Mixed Episodes

What you just "witnessed" through my last entry was a full-blown bipolar episode. I have been slowly coming down from the 6 months I've been in hypo mania. One can only sustain that kind of energy level for so long. But then, something happened that "triggered" something in my brain- and on came the distorted thinking patterns.

We've been expecting an episode for a while now, and because it was so short (though it felt like forever), I expect another one will come soon.

It's different than you may think. It was obviously not a manic, or hypo manic episode, but- NEWS FLASH- it wasn't a depressive episode, either. What you read was a mixed episode. It contained elements of both depression (like the feelings of worthlessness, pain, helpless, hopeless, etc) AND hypomania (lots of frantic energy, a sense of urgency and importance blown out of proportion).

(A side note: I've been told that mixed episodes are the most concerning to doctors. In a mixed episode- though not every time- it's easy to feel horrible about yourself, and still have enough energy to "do something" about those feelings. Result: suicide.) (No, I'm not in that place, but you should know it's a very real issue.)

Don't misread this like I did as I learned about Bipolar- just because this episode was triggered does NOT mean my feelings were not real. The trigger merely brought those feelings to the surface, and amplified them a bit. I'm not "being dramatic", I'm not "trying to get attention"; when in an episode- how I think and feel is very real. And they are at least partially true. Maybe it seems silly to you, or superficial, or dramatic, or whatever. But my brain, at that time, is telling me it is more dire/serious/hopeless as I say it is. If you can't believe the seriousness of what I feel, then believe that bipolar has a very real say in how I feel. I say all the time that perception is reality- and that's true for everyone- not just those who have a mental illness.

My wonderful husband frequently tries to bring me closer to reality by questioning where those thoughts come from. Overall, presenting different perspectives and pointing out distorted thinking can at first, piss me off, but in the end, it helps because I want to be well. It's an agreement that we have to help me overcome an episode more quickly. It's kind of like he's my life coach. He knows I might bite his head off for any feedback he might give me- but it helps me question my thoughts- which is a necessary step to regaining a sense of stability.

Another thing mixed episodes do is make me extremely irritable. I've talked to people about this before- irritability levels are a hazard to us. Yes- I know that everyone can get irritable, but I'm not talking about those times you have a bad day and yell at your kids. I'm talking about in those mixed episodes, it can be like PMS times 100 for the entire length of the episode. 

My diagnosis includes "rapid cycling", which means I can have several ups and downs in a single day. My depressive episodes last the longest, as I've been in single episodes that can last for several months. Hypomania is similar, though it's rare, I can maintain hypomania for more than 3 or 4 months (except for now, since circumstances have driven it forward out of necessity). For me, mixed episodes are fast- they cut me deep, but they usually don't last very long.