Control or lack of control? That is the question. Control has always been an issue in my life- even before I discovered I had Bipolar... Maybe even before it manifested itself. I was in a constant battle with my parents- trying to take control of my own life rather than have them control it for me. I just needed that knowledge that I was in the driver's seat- that I had control over my own life.
Unfortunately, I think I didn't use that control well when I did have it. I would over schedule myself so that I was doing too much. Even though I enjoyed everything I scheduled myself for- I ended up with no down time. I became overly stressed. I didn't allow any time for home and family (which later caused problems in my attitude about home and family). I'm not saying it was a bad thing to gain control of my own life. Everyone needs to have that learning curve as we explore our independence. I'm only using it as an example of how not to exercise that control.
Now, as someone with Bipolar, exercising control in my own life is a continual uphill battle. As much as I want to do what I want when I want... I don't get that privilege... Not anymore. There are a lot of aspects in a Bipolar's life that requires constant "supervision": daily exercise, "checking in" frequently with my moods throughout the day, journal writing, daily meditations, charting my moods/medications/irritability and anxiety levels, going to therapy (the verbal kind), etc.
I recently got very frustrated with all these things. I decided to talk with my husband about it. I told him that I don't feel like I get a say in my life anymore. That my life revolves around Bipolar instead of me or even my family. I've become nothing more than a puppet on strings- controlled by the whims of my disorder.
Being the good husband that he is, Jake listened compassionately and allowed me to say my piece. Then, as he frequently does, he gave me a different perspective. He said that though it feels that I have no control, my active participation in bipolar management is what allows me to have the control in my life.
I've thought of this frequently since we had this conversation. I've realized that it is not a matter of being in control, but rather, having self-control that is key in life. I have recently been in contact with others who, like me, have bipolar. But, unlike me, they don't manage their bipolar (even if they think they do). And I've seen that this lack of management puts them and those around them in difficult positions. It is their choice to not manage their disorder. In a way, they are as puppets who have cut their strings. They, like me, so desperately want control in their own lives, they have made the choice to cut those strings by which they feel constrained. But by so doing, They lose control in their own lives. I know this not only by observation, but by experience. Without managing my disorder, the disorder takes charge and everything else falls apart. However, it is my active choice to do everything I can to lead an AVERAGE (which is good, in this case) life with HEALTHY relationships. This takes a great deal of self-control.
Everything I do is to keep Bipolar under control. I make a CHOICE to pro-actively manage my disorder. What I've been talking about thus far are the preventative measurements I take so my episodes will be fewer and far between, not to mention smaller in intensity and shorter in duration. But there is another type of self-control if and when those episodes hit. When my husband or I notice that I am acting elevated or depressed, I have to exercise control to act in opposition to what I'm feeling. When I feel like starting a million projects, I take a few steps back and do some deep breathing and not work on any projects. When I feel depressed and want to be by myself, I try to surround myself with people who can help to distract and love me. (This may sound easy, but trust me, it's VERY difficult acting in opposition to yourself.)
Yes- I am still a puppet on strings, but I am also the puppet master. The strings are my lifeline that allows me to decide what to do and who to be. If I accept my place as puppet master, and continue my sometimes tedious course of bipolar management, I am then able to move and act as a normal citizen in society, and more importantly, in my family. I can contribute more consistently. I can interact with others in a more positive way. I can actually hear what you're telling me without taking offense. I can actually sleep at night instead of my brain waking me up every half hour. I can feel good about myself without feeling like I have to conquer the world in order to have value.
I assume everyone enjoys having control over their own lives, but I also assume that everyone has their own set of issues hat require some level of self-control first. Seriously, you don't have to be like me and have an official mental health disorder diagnosis to benefit from a certain level of routine and discipline. However, if you are like me and have a similar diagnosis, you will notice a night and day difference when you "take care" of your mental health first.
