Lessons from Yellowstone

I may have come up with a new system where I will be writing once a week, provided it works. I know most bloggers write several times a week if not every day. This will at least be a steady entry.

I recently went on a road trip to Yellowstone National Park. My parents invited us to stay with them at Island Park Resort. (Thanks, Mom and Dad!) My husband couldn’t come, but I thought it was a good opportunity to give my kids some well-deserved experience and memories. And since my parents would be with us, I would have some help with the kids, especially the twins. My son has always been a good traveler- never complaining. The girls, however, are a little less patient, so having my parents to help was a necessity.

Not long ago, I made the decision to take the kids to (or through) all 50 states. I recognize that circumstances may not allow for this because who knows what the future holds- but, I believe that goals can get you beyond your original intent. I heard a saying once: If you shoot for the moon, at least you’ll land among the stars. I want to give the kids something to look forward to and learn from. I also believe that traveling can broaden one’s perspective; not only of the world, but of oneself. I’ve done a bit of traveling and am pleased with my growing understanding of myself and my own little world.

Anyway, this trip was the first to really test me. I had been on overnight trips, but this trip was a full week away from home, away from routine. It was interesting to see my stress levels rising leading up to the trip. I didn’t want to forget anything- especially when it came to my girls’ comfort. I wanted this trip to go as smoothly as possible. Luckily, I didn’t forget anything. Unfortunately, though, by the time we got there, my high stress had turned into high irritability levels.

Now, I don’t understand exactly how it works, but with Bipolar, there’s depression, hypomania, mania, and mixed episodes. In addition to these are anxiety and irritability. Some who struggle with bipolar are also diagnosed with anxiety issues. I don’t worry so much about anxiety, but irritability can be a large problem with me. I used to think it was linked to mania, but I have since noticed I can be just as irritable when I’m depressed. So, I think irritability is just it’s own issue.

For the first couple of days, I took all my irritability out on my son. I’d snap at him for no reason, and had no patience for his questions. Once I recognized what I was doing, I apologized to him, and reminded him (We’ve had this conversation numerous times) that it wasn’t his fault, and I would try to do better.

In order to resolve getting so irritable and impatient with everyone, I needed to resume somewhat of a routine, and remember to do my daily meditations. At home, I would always do my meditations when my girls were down for a nap. Unfortunately, that was not always possible with our activities at the resort (We only spent two days at Yellowstone Park, and the rest at the resort). But I made a big enough deal about it to my mom, that she offered to take the girls out to play while I did my meditation if I couldn’t while they were sleeping. It was a huge help. I was smart in my hyper-planning because I remembered to bring a yoga DVD. My son and I did a yoga routine every night that week. That helped us have some form of routine, as well as keeping me calm and centered.

I don’t think I was manic, but I was more elevated than usual… I stayed this way for most of the trip. The day before we were to come home, I felt depressed; not terribly depressed, just a little depressed. I recognized all the signs: energy levels were down, lack of desire to do anything, etc. I voiced my status, like I would at home. I was pleased that I had recognized the signs of depression, which is not something I’m always on top of, but I accepted it, and took the necessary steps to cope.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into this, but my big mood swings, and even my little mood swings, are something I have to take very seriously. I chart my moods every night and am advised to “take my vitals” many times throughout the day. Since my moods can change rapidly, I need to be aware at all times where I lay on the spectrum so I can make the necessary changes. If I don’t pay attention to my behavior and my emotions, they can very quickly get out of control. I’d much rather constantly make small adjustments than rarely make big changes.

Another small thing that I realized in coming home from this trip is my tendency to favor the “all-or-nothing” kind of thinking: if I’m not doing everything, I must be doing nothing. I saw my kids blossom during this trip, and felt it was from the lack of tv and abundance of activities. Doing anything with the kids by myself really wears me out, but I look forward to the fall when I can take the kids outside more often. My son will be going to first grade (ah!!!), so he’ll be gone all day. I can focus my efforts on the girls, and have started a project that will hopefully keep us all occupied.

All in all, it was a very successful trip. Jonas saw the paint pots, elk, bison, and old faithful. The girls broke out of their shell a little more- and not only started babbling more, developed a love for the song “Let It Go”. And I learned how to fairly quickly get my irritability levels under control, and how to conduct a more balanced lifestyle.