Last week, I made a decision- a life-changing one. I'm going back to school. I'm getting my masters degree in Dance Therapy and will also be certified to become a mental health therapist. Ever since my introduction to the brain dance, I've been fascinated with the body-brain connection. I knew already about the brain controlling the body and its movement, but when I learned it could go the opposite way, too (body movement influencing the makeup of the brain, our behavior, the way we think, etc), I got hooked. I wrote a paper about it called "Sensational Learning" while still an undergrad, and was told it was real close to being a Masters Thesis. I still think about it... so the decision to learn about it formally and doing something with that knowledge is very exciting for me.
Then this week hit. I got hit by a trigger that plunged me into a really bad depression. One where I was left non-functional. I could barely even move. I sat there completely sad, with my head down and not able to think of anything but this trigger, despite my best efforts. And I started having second thoughts. I realized this decision to go to school might not be a good one. I desperately want the knowledge that this program could provide for me. Even if I'm not able to go into the workforce because of Bipolar, I could provide more researched information on my facebook page about management and more information about different mental health topics.
But getting through school is the issue. Having those couple of non-functional days reminded me how much of a gamble it will be to go back to school- especially during my fall crash. Not only can I not physically do anything- I really can't do much mentally, either. Most of my days are filled with brain fog, lack of focus, and a terrible memory. How can I expect to succeed at school when my brain can't catch the information. This program is online during the year with a few weeks in person over the summer. If most of it is reading- would I be able to retain what I need? Or should I quit while I'm ahead?
OH! It kills me to think I can't do this. I'm trying to be realistic. There are really a lot of days that I can't do anything... on the other hand- I've never been more gung-ho to learn more about this fascinating topic. It's a gamble. There's no way to know how many good days and how many bad days I will have. Will I have enough good days that I can get through the program? I just ordered Prevagen- you know, that pill that helps with the brains memory and alertness. Will that be enough to let me soak in the information? And one more thing- I can't go back to school unless I find some means to pay for it all... and I mean ALL. Our current budget doesn't allow for anything extra... so I have to get enough scholarships and grants to cover the entire $70,000 tab. Another gamble.
So, what do I do? Seriously- if any of you have any insight or ideas regarding going back to school with a mental illness, I would love to hear about it. I really want this, but don't know if I would be wasting everyone's time and money... help?
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