Once there, they don't go away. They chatter incessantly- taunting- laughing at me. Building on each other- growing louder and louder- clouding my ability to think- or sometimes judge- clearly. They are my constant companion, my ball and chain- always talking- always yelling conflicting ideas. I didn't agree to this. The noise becomes so loud in my head that I get irritated at a mere whisper around me.
The chaos is unbearable.
I try to catch each thought as it rushes through. I chase them all over my head- grasping every which way with my bare hands- reaching to the uncatchable, hopelessly missing by mere seconds as they rush by.
I go to bed exhausted- just by trying to make sense of all the noise in my head. It may look like I did nothing to anyone else, but I fought a battle today... One that most won't understand... But I have no choice but to fight my own thoughts- either to understand them, or to go against them- and hold on for dear life.
And then, every now and then, there's a spark. A small ball of light- like a firefly, or a pixie. She takes pity on me, and slows just enough to be seen- or even caught... And I get to see things that many can't; maybe just a glimmer of hope, maybe it's validation... But this time, it's an idea- one that holds a crystal ball- one that will drive me to a successful future.
Now it is up to me. Time and time before, I've seen the fairy with the crystal ball, but it is taken from me time and time again. Either the screaming gets too loud and drowns out the drive... Or another fairy entices me with another idea, and I forget the first. I am easily excited- and the noise in my head tends to control what happens next.
Can I do it this time? Can I hold to a dream? Can I follow through with the promise of a brighter tomorrow? One that says I'm in control of my future and not so much the noise in my brain?
It might have to be both... But I've got to at least try.
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