Trials and a Memory

Let me tell you about the last couple of weeks. Jake had sudden severe pain that took us to the Emergency Room. Turns out he had a kidney stone (I have never seen him in so much pain). They did a ct scan to make sure the whole stone had been taken care of. And though they didn't find any remnant of the stone in the scan, they DID find a tumor in his heart. At first, they thought it was benign, but now they are not so sure. He is doing several tests on his heart to see what it is, and how to treat it.

I had a doctor appt this week, and was also diagnosed with something bigger (I don't really want to share what it is... for some reason, I'm quite embarrassed about it). But let's just say both Jake's and my issues may require major surgery.

Then, two nights ago, the toilet overflowed. By itself, it's not a big problem, but this house is 40 years old, and the caulking around the toilet and the tub has all but disappeared. All that water went through the floor and through the entire ceiling of our kitchen eat in area. We had guys out here to assess the problem (thank goodness for insurance), and while they were here, a big chunk of the ceiling fell on their heads. Awful how such a small thing can turn into such an expensive disaster.

My girls have developed a medical condition that they can't get into the doctor for- for a month. All my mental health medications were canceled because I didn't update my information soon enough, and now that's a fight... and I'm writing all this to you at three o'clock in the morning because I forgot to take my trazadone last night and I literally can't stay asleep without it.

We're all mostly keeping a good attitude about all this, but every now and then (like 3AM), it just seems like too much. It's hard to not think I didn't do something to deserve all this. I mean, I know I didn't... but goodness, isn't Bipolar enough? I've already been cursed with a few disorders that keep me from living a normal life... that keeps my family from living a normal life. Why so many big issues? God's trying to find my breaking point, I think.

I'm reminded of a time when Bipolar was particularly difficult- as it was combined with Post Partum Depression. It was around the time I was admitted to the hospital for suicidal planning. I remember asking "why me?". Whether I said it in an actual prayer, or just nebulously, I don't remember; but I do remember getting a distinct answer in my mind and heart that was clearly not from me. The answer was "Because I trust you". It took me off guard, because I wasn't actually expecting an answer. After thinking about it, I realized that I have been given my particular difficulties because God trusted I would turn to him for support, and together, we would get through whatever came my way.

I need to remember that now. In my hour of stress and struggle, I am not alone. I can do this. One step at a time. I know I can do hard things... I just may have to cry a few times throughout the process.